February 24, 2008
There are going to be a lot of entries about processing, so I guess I should let you all know what that means, at least to me. Processing is what happens when you feel raw emotion, and need to give it time to sink in and find its place. Feeling jealous is not a bad thing – going crazy about it can be. I had felt jealous of Becky for being able to make out with Michael while I sat there between his legs, pretty much ignored. She also does something that kind of makes me insanely uncomfortable, which is that she apparently can orgasm from just kissing, so she was making some noises that I am just not used to hearing from other women, particularly when my husband is the one causing them.
As I said, I was more than happy saying “no thanks” to more involvement, and Michael agreed that this was either both of us or nothing, and that he didn’t want me to be “in it” just for him. Nonetheless, he was pretty sad about the whole thing, and spent quite a bit of time just plain down about it, even crying to me several times. Still, he was adamant that I not change my mind because of him. It caused a lot of stress for me because I’m a sub and I really, really want to do just about anything to make him happy.
It was from there that the deep thoughts started hitting me. I was trying to be as open as possible about the whole thing, and doing an okay job of it, and that opened the door to new ways of thinking. One of those thoughts was that sex should not necessarily be considered more intimate than a deep conversation or a long hug. It can be, sure, but if I am okay with Michael hugging other women, and put no restrictions on that, then why do I feel the need to restrict his sexual activity, too? The answer came to me from a friend, Tara, who mentioned society’s view of sex as a bad thing. What a revelation! Some tiny part of me somehow had retained the training that I had gotten since I was a girl that sex is something bad, and something that you should be ashamed of. If I am theoretically okay with intimacy in various ways with others, and sex is good and intimate, then why should I feel that something that is both good and intimate has to be exclusively mine?
Keep in mind that these thoughts were churning over the course of a couple of weeks. The climax was the conversation that we had just before I made my decision. I battered him mentally, seeking out the reason, deep down, that he wanted a relationship with Becky. What could she give him that I could not? The reason that finally came out was that he wanted a friend. He wanted a close friend. He wanted to be able to do fun and intimate things with that friend, and sex is fun and intimate. The reasoning seemed sound to me. I told him that he had my blessing to see her.
It took several days of convincing, and several weeks (again) of thought before Becky agreed to see him alone, fearful, probably, of the drama that I was sure to cause (*wink*). Her five year crush on him won out, and she decided to date him. The funny thing is, I was as nervous as he was. I was like a new mom hovering on the playground to make sure that her little lovey doesn’t get hurt.
I think that some part of me took ownership of that relationship, even though I technically had no part in it except as lover and wife to Michael and friend to Becky. That’s probably why I took it so hard when things ended, but I’m getting ahead of myself again.
More on how the relationship progressed and how my processing continued later. For now, the next topic is going to be Poly versus Swinging.
Thanks for reading!