March 21, 2008
Frank and I
I have written a little bit about my friend in New York and his girlfriend, who are poly. Since I haven’t written MUCH, though, I thought that perhaps I should outline the situation. Shall we start at the beginning?
I’m going to change the names so that no one is accidentally outed, so we’ll call them Frank and Tiffany. Back in November, I think it was, I created a profile on a poly dating site. I was trying to find a poly partner, but wasn’t having much luck and I was quickly losing interest in the hunt. I decided to sign on to a poly chat room while I was there. In that poly chat was one other person. He was not actually poly, but kind of curious, so I ended up answering a bunch of his questions. When he signed off, I decided to leave the chat window open when I went on with my work.
A little while later, this guy Frank signs on. We spend a while chatting about our various situations. At the time, Frank and Tiffany were involved in a quad with another couple. It was a soft-swap quad, which means that they were allowed to trade partners for things like making out and snuggling, but sex was primaries only. At time time, Michael was still dating Becky. We enjoyed conversing so much, that at the end of the conversation, we exchanged screen names for an online messenger.
Frank had a computer job, and so do I, so we chatted (and still do) almost every day. He became one of the rare people that I trusted almost instantly, and in the course of our conversations, things started to get a bit more than friendly. We started talking dirty to each other, and at one point I showed him some photos of myself in an intimate position or two. I talked to him about being an online Dom, and he was interested, but had to ask his girlfriend, as I had to ask Michael. It was interesting explaining to him that things had gone so far, and he was a little irritated with me, but he gave me permission to continue. Meanwhile, Frank had not talked to Tiffany.
At the time, Tiffany was having problems with their girlfriend not paying attention to her, and she was having jealousy issues and other problems that made her doubt poly in general. Frank saw this as a bad time to talk to her about such things, and put off talking to her about me except to mention that I was a friend who was going through similar poly woes. We decided on our own to back off of the sexual talk until he had spoken to Tiffany. Over the course of the next few months, I realized that I had fallen in love with him. I told him so one day, and he reciprocated those feelings, which was wonderful.
A couple of weeks ago, I told him that I felt like he was keeping secrets from Tiffany, and that he had to tell her about me, even if he didn’t ask for or get any kind of permissions. I told him that in her position I would be hurt that he hadn’t told me, and agreeing, he talked to her that same night. She was surprised and a little hurt that he had not talked to her about it before, and even more surprised to her about the photos that he had seen. She asked that he not form a romance with me.
It is my opinion that as his primary, Tiff should and does have priority, and I will happily respect those wishes, especially since that is how I would want someone in my position to ask were she dating Michael. It is still hard sometimes when I have feelings that are more than friendly, but I keep them in check and things are fine. I was a little hurt yesterday, though. Frank had been joking about being text messaged by everyone he knew, so I asked for his number to join the ranks. He hedged, and I told him that it seemed he didn’t want to tell me.
Frank feels that giving out numbers in some way advances our relationship. The line between friend and lover, for me, doesn’t have to be so firm because Michael is ok either way. For Frank, though, the line has to be very firm, and I get that and am ok with it. Still, phone numbers have sort of been a mark of good friends online for me, and him saying that he doesn’t want to give me his feels like he doesn’t want me in his life except online, and even from just a friend’s perspective, that kind of sucks. Anyway, respect is the key here, and I will respect his feelings on the matter and not push it. When it comes down to it, it really isn’t that big of a deal. Does he trust me? I think so… I also think that he loves me, and he has to find a place for that where it is okay for his Love, Tiffany.