04.25.08
Two Couples Together
What do you all think of the idea of two couples who live and love together? In my poly experience, I have mostly met straight men, although I have met a few bi men as well. I would say that for the most part I am really not attracted to the idea of two guys having sex. If I were to be in a two couple relationship, it would be a group with 6 relationships, but only 5 of them romantic, especially since Michael is not into the idea of other men.
I think that it could be really interesting to see how we would handle dating another couple. It would be wonderful to have that sense of support and that… I don’t even know how to say it, exactly. I really like the idea of being able to choose a partner for the night or whatever and know that no one is getting left out or feeling lonely. The guys might have to just be buddy buddy when the girls get together, but for the most part there is a comfortable place for everyone. That is what I think of when I think of two couples.
~Kathleen
Colbymarshall said,
April 25, 2008 at 6:13 pm
This is just from my point of view, which is one of being in a monogamous relationship in which I don’t have the desire to be with others; even though I’m not interested in choosing this way of life for myself, I enjoy reading your blog just because its an interesting prospective to read about. But from my perspective, some of these things seem to, like you said in one post, look at the emotional implications of poly “through rose colored glasses.” I’m definitely not saying this to criticize…I’m saying it to get more information. Because when I read this:
“I really like the idea of being able to choose a partner for the night or whatever and know that no one is getting left out or feeling lonely.”,
the first thing that jumped into my mind was, but what if one lady wanted to be with a certain man that night and he wanted to be with another? Wouldn’t that be a stressful/tense/emotionally volatile situation? I really am so interested in your take on the subject because it is so foreign to me. Thanks for sharing such an informative and intimate corner of your life.
Kathleen said,
April 25, 2008 at 7:13 pm
That, my friend, is a wonderful question, and one that I think deserves its very own post. Look for it tomorrow, k?
Colbymarshall said,
April 26, 2008 at 6:37 am
Sure thing. Have a good weekend
Louisa said,
April 26, 2008 at 8:27 am
Dating (and falling in love with) another couple is very tricky but the rewards are amazing! The biggest issue we face is when one of the couples is going through a tough time – how much do you interfere in their relationship? Difficult to stay objective when you see both points of view and yet are protective of both of them! The relationship is not just two couples, the same sex friendships are also exceedingly important as is the dynamic of a three out of four group when one person is away or out of town. But beyond this, the synchronicity is absolutely fabulous, in fact getting into secondary or tertiary relationships is still wonderful, but with another couple I believe that the joy is exponential (as is the potential for trouble!!).
Thomas said,
July 12, 2008 at 6:41 am
Here here, on the potential for trouble as well as joy. My wife and I are entering/experimenting with a two-couple relationship with a couple with whom we’ve been friends for a long time. They’ve ‘played’ nonromantically for a long time; we never did. Knowing them ignited our sex and love life, and the two couples eventually fell together, in a beautiful way.
But – then storm clouds. Then another beautiful experience, then another storm. But it just gets better, as do each of us and each relationship.
About the issue above of ‘what if one person wants another but the latter wants someone else’ : this kind of relationship (and I would think any play/poly one) requires the utmost dedication to self-perfection and mastery of one’s own ego, desires, and LOVE. One must have an open enough heart to see something beautiful happen without you, even when you are perhaps needing attention; and yet remember to see and take happiness from the fact that these people you love are enjoying something. In that sense, it doesn’t matter what you’ve got ‘right now’ : you know you’ve got your spouse’s love the next time you see her, and also this other awesome couple who are there for you.
So we all need to constantly be thinking about all the others, which is the utmost practice of all spiritual traditions, isn’t it? If I was hoping for X this weekend, but my tells me Y before she hears she wants X, I take stock of which option is better for ALL of us, and if that’s no big difference, then I consider whether even that alone might not be overridden by my desire for her to be happy right now. I must know that they are also thinking about me, and ‘what goes around comes around’.
COMMUNICATION. If you can’t say what you want, need, or don’t want or need, without fear of judgement or counter-reactions, this ain’t for you. It’s WORK.
Seeker said,
June 29, 2009 at 9:04 am
Thomas, I just love the way you describe the evolving dynamic between four. I mean, it makes sense to me that the blissful, rewarding times will be counter-balanced by the other less satisfying experiences since all relationships are ever-changing. The two-couple, four-person dynamic simply increases the challenges. As a poly bisexual couple, we find the growth, depth and closeness to our other-couple lovers well worth the work. It’s definitely a situation where doing the work together with honesty and love at the core really pays off.