May 9, 2008
Dealing with Hate
I’m doing the blog chain again, and this time FreshHell wrote about getting the last laugh on someone that she didn’t like when that woman died. I really can’t say I agree with the sentiments that she expressed, although I recognize a few of them. In the friend that she mentioned I see jealousy, cruelty, and competitiveness, and in the writer I see anger, hate, and smugness. The whole episode seems so sad… it’s something that I could see happening with my feelings toward Becky.
I have been working so hard for weeks now – months, actually – to clear my feelings toward her. I don’t have to be her best friend, but something happened between Becky and I that I saw as betrayal, just like the previous poster felt betrayed. Instead of internalizing that, though, and letting it be a scar on my soul, I am constantly picking at that wound and (gross image) squeezing the hateful pus out. Sure, it hurts, and it is not even close to “fun”, but it will, in the long run, feel better.
I’ve been tangled up in hate before, and the thing is, that person controls you in some way for the rest of your life. This woman from the previous post is dead, and yet the poster can’t get over her and is still reacting to the mere mention of her name with anger and violent thoughts. I’ve felt that before, and I didn’t like it. The person that I felt that for means almost nothing to me now. He was an ex boyfriend who was abusive and cruel, and my only feelings toward him now are faint gratitude for helping me to understand what abuse looks like so that I will never go there again. That’s it.
Of course, getting there took years and a lot of work. That is why I try so hard to think of Becky, if not in a positive light, then at least in a neutral one.
I was talking to Michael again about the potential of his dating her one day, and I kicked over the excuses that I normally bring up in my mind to blame her for everything (by the way, I started this conversation, it wasn’t him asking for permission or something). I took a hard look at myself and told him that I feel threatened. I think that this is the first time I have blamed him for anything, but when I really thought about it, it wasn’t Becky that scared me, it was that she did something that I saw as terrible and he still cares for her. I got the reassurance I needed, and maybe I picked at that wound for the last time. Maybe it can finally heal clean.
Check out the rest of the blog chain below, and as usual, thank you so much for reading.