April 28, 2009
It seems like every time I am really attracted to a male friend, he starts distancing himself from me. The first, Frank, was supposedly poly, but his girlfriend didn’t want him dating me. He was so afraid of crossing a line that he started talking to me less and less and the deep discussions that we had been having vanished all of a sudden. I was really bummed. We haven’t talked in a long time because he got mad at me for pointing out that he was treating me like crap.
My lastest disaster has been with John. We didn’t have the same deep converstions that Frank and I had, but we got each other on a pretty cool level. We enjoy a lot of the same things, and we would talk a lot about life and what was going on. When he broke up with his fiance, I told him about poly. I made my interest clear, and like Frank, he was interested too. Then some shit started hitting the fan in his life, and he turned to his ex for comfort and familiarity. I know when to back off, and I did so, but he is doing the same thing that Frank did. Nothing happened between us, but there is an acknowledged attraction… so suddenly we have this shallow, almost meaningless level of interaction. I am pretty blue about it.
April 20, 2009
I’m about to throw some of you for a loop when I say… you don’t have to have physical relations with anyone to be poly. I am pretty sure that I have touched on this before, but I don’t think I’ve devoted a whole blog post to it in the past. I’m writing this because a lot of people do not understand the underlying concept of poly, but talking about what it can be often means talking about sex or relationships; it never dispels the myth that poly people are also a bit slutty.
Sorry for the harsh word, but I have been called a slut before, mostly because people find out that I am poly. I find that ironic, and only half true. I do love sex, so I guess that makes me a slut in some ways, but I’ve also never actually had sex with anyone but Michael. The one time that I was pretty tempted, there were some time constraints and we ended up enjoying some steamy kisses instead.
I recently saw someone on a poly discussion group wondering if it was “normal” or “ok” that her new partner had absolutely no interest in sex. The overwhelming response was that no relationship can be expected to fall under the same measure as any other; each relationship is going to be different. For my own part, I sort of envied her. I have little interest in sex with other people since Michael satisfies my needs so very, very well. It seems like all of the guys I talk to are intersted in jumping the gun, even when they are the ones to propose to take things slowly.
It’s a great thing to think about. If you fell in love with a man or woman who did not want to have sex, could you live with that? What if you had other partners to satisfy those particular needs for you? When you have many people working to make you happy, you get to let each one focus on where their specialty lies, and the rest can relax a little!
April 18, 2009
I am not sure about the etymology of the word “compersion”, but I can tell you that it is a word that is meant to describe the feelings of joy that you feel at your patner’s happiness. For example, when Michael returned from dates with Becky and was smiling and happy, that often made me happy for him in turn. Compersion.
I’ve heard compersion described as meaning the opposite of jealousy, but I am not sure if it is true. Actually, I’m not sure that it CAN be true. Can you feel two opposite feelings at the same time? I have certainly felt feelings of jealousy and compersion at the same time. I have heard others claim that this is impossible. If you are really happy for a person, how can you also feel jealous of the cause of that happiness. Logically, this makes perfect sense, but emotions often run a different path than logic.
What I do know is that the longer I practice PUTTING the feelings of compersion into myself, imagining Michael with a partner and forcing myself to smile through the daydream, the more it really does make me smile when he talks about a pretty girl or a co-worker with a great laugh. In truth these little things never bothered me, but now I would be perfectly okay with encouraging him to take things to the next step. Compersion has been a learned feeling for me as much as a natural one, and it is something that is really hard to feel without the open nature of poly. I guess it is one more thing to feel thankful for.
April 13, 2009
I’ve been hearing from a new friend about his desire to be a part of a male-female-male vee – one in which he and a male friend jointly date (and, in his opinion pamper) a woman. The two men would not be romantically involved (which is what makes it a vee instead of a triad), but would be friends and partners-in-crime so to speak.
I’ve never actually met a guy looking for a couple to date in this way, but I can see the appeal of wanting the share the responsability of pleasing and entertaining a woman with a man who is a good friend and companion. I can also see the appeal of weathering her worse moods together. Not that I’m saying I have bad moods mind you…
For the males out there: how would you feel about sharing a girl with a guy friend? For the ladies, how would you feel about having two guys to yourself that way?
April 11, 2009
I’m not actually actively dating, nor am I keen on the idea of rushing out and dragging someone into our household situation. Our lives are so chaotic that we are reconsidering our pets, and adding another person right now, especially in-home, would make it that much harder. Still, I have thought of the ultimate family, and it seems that it would be lovely to share our lives one day with another couple that felt the same way. Quads, when done right, can be very beneficial and very stable for all the members. Of course, any group is only as stable as the least stable person there.
I recently had what I thought was the perfect opportunity for dating when a friend who I have been attracted to for a long time became suddenly single. He is attracted to me, and we had some highly promising conversations. At the same time, a lovely woman that works at a cafe we enjoy had been flirting with us. I asked her out with my husband and I, and she said yes. Within a week, we took this woman out to dinner and found out that she has a boyfriend and is not so much flirty as she is REALLY friendly. They seem to be monogamous, and I don’t want to mess up her romance, so it was just a nice dinner with a new friend. A few days later my male friend told me that he had gotten back together with his ex. They still aren’t exactly compatible, but he’s going through hard times, and she is familiar and loving. Damn.
Talk about a big fizzle. In the middle of all this I had a dream about the two of them meeting, falling in love, getting married to each other, and joining our family to form a quad. Just a dream, and sadly it seems as if it will stay that way, but it was nice to imagine, and it makes me more aware of how open I am to the idea of a group marriage sometime in the future. In the meantime, they are both still friends, and they are both lovely people, so my life is enriched by both of them anyway.
April 10, 2009
I just found out that I made the list for the Top 100 Sexiest Bloggers of 2008 according to the readers of the Between My Sheets blog. That’s really cool! Thanks to my readers and to Rori’s for putting me up there, I really appreciate it.
Still, sexy can have its drawbacks. I am on several dating sites, but on each of them, I have made it a big point to note that I am not currently looking for a new partner. I am incredibly busy, I’m happy the way things are, and I really hate dating. I would much rather see what happens with a friend than meet someone who wants to get into my pants ASAP (and the guys who message you on dating sites to “just be friends”… well, I give them the benefit of the doubt whenever possible, but each one has hit on me almost immediately).
What is it about dating sites that brings out the crazies? Yesterday I was emailed by a man twice my age who wanted me to know that he thinks I am a “dynamic jewel” and he wanted to thank me for allowing him to bask in my eloquence and loveliness. What do you SAY to that? Go bask somewhere else, please? I thanked him politely, but I will be ignoring his further emails (he’s already responded to my curt “thank you” with more glowing praise, which is kind but disturbing me).
Please note: I have a new email and Twitter account!
Follow me on Twitter: PolyKathleen
Or email me: PolyKathleen@gmail.com
Blessings and Love!
April 9, 2009
There are a lot of people in the poly world (and you often notice them first, because they are the ones waving the banners) that believe that being poly is like a sexual orientation – you are born with it, and that’s the way it is. That’s true. For THEM. But some of us, myself included, never felt that pull. We never cheated in early relationships, dealt with serial monogamy, or “dated around”, and yet here we are carrying the title of Polyamorous with sincerity and sometimes even pride.
I never imagined a polyamorous life before I found it, nor do I crave it even now. For me, the decision to remain poly has more to do with the fact that there is not a compelling reason not to as anything else. Born to be poly? I think not. I could happily go back to monogamy and be just as comfortable and just as pleased with where my life has taken me. The more I thought on this, the more it seemed to me that being “on the fence” as I am is a lot like being bisexual. I could be with a man, or I could be with a woman. I don’t feel the need to exclude the idea of either, much as I do not feel the need to exclude the ideas of poly or monogamy from my life. I call this state of being, bi-polyamorous.
Do any of you feel the same way? Do you have similar experiences with poly? Maybe you even had your own name for it? Please do share!
April 8, 2009
This is a subject that has always puzzled me just a little. There are so many questions that I can think of! For example, how do you know who to touch and when? How do you keep any one person from feeling more like a voyeur than a participant? What if two of the participants are not interested in each other (I’ve been in this situation, actually)?
The situations that I have been in were more like group foreplay than group sex. In one, I was going down on Michael while Becky kissed and fondled him. Being very nearly out of reach of everyone left me feeling kind of left out and ignored, especially since I was having a hard time just keeping Michael hard (he was VERY nervous when he was sexual at all with Becky). At one point Becky rested her hand on my head, which was supposed to make me feel included, I suppose, but which only made me feel even more outside of what they were doing. The makeout session ended when her roommates/partners walked in.
After I gave up the idea of dating Becky (because I was not attracted to her), there was another foreplay trio. Becky and I each took a side and spent a while licking, kissing, and running our hands over Michael. It was interesting, if a little stange for me. I know that it felt good for Michael, but he later admitted that he was pretty passive, mostly because he felt that to kiss or otherwise pay attention to either one of us would have been excluding the other. How do you get past this? Practice, I guess.
Do any of you have thoughts on this topic?
April 6, 2009
This is an old question, but I recently ran across it and decided to answer.
Kathleen the poly experience seems to be more than just about deep and intimiate trust because I’m sure that other married people would agrue (and I’m sure you’d agree) that couples can share a deep and intimiate trust without poly.
You may not have the answer to the following question because sometimes feelings can’t be explained, but besides the deep and intimate trust aspect what drew you to poly?
And for those who are married and not in a poly relationship what activities do you participate in to achieve deep and intimate trust?
One thing that I find interesting about Kathleen is that she is actively seeking ways to improve upon her relationship. That’s a rare quality in any couple, poly or not. Or do those of you in a traditional marriage disagree with that assessment?
As usual, Auria has presented some wonderful questions, not just for me but for the rest of my readers as well. Please do respond!!
I was drawn to poly out of a desire to see my husband happy. The initial foray into a threesome was more like swinging, or at least it was supposed to be. Michael didn’t like the idea because he didn’t care for the idea of casual sex, but the emotional masochist in me still wanted to see what would happen if I set us on this course. It was a combination of that (emotional masochism) and a serious desire to both understand and hopefully better myself that got us started. It was a desire to enjoy watching Michael enjoy himself (and Becky) that allowed me to come to the decision to encourage it gracefully, and it is the wonderful feeling of trust as well as the feeling that I don’t EVER have to hide, pretend, or restrict myself when it comes to love that keeps this whole thing going for me and for us, I think.
Thank you, Auria!
April 5, 2009
My life has been total and complete chaos for the last few months, but things are slowing down and hopefully getting better, and I have decided at long last to return to my blog and to all of you.
My romantic life is still rather subdued. I recently asked a beautiful young woman out, and she accepted. Apparently, though, she did not understand that I was asking her out as more than a new friend. She has a boyfriend, which I did not know, and they seem to be monogamous, so I kept my mouth shut on the subject of poly and simply enjoyed being her friend. It was a good meal, but it didn’t exactly go where I had hoped. I also had my hopes dashed with a man who is already a good friend of mine. He recently became single, and we started to talk about spending time alone together. I was just getting excited when a lot of bad things started happening all at once in his life. The familiar is comforting in these kinds of times, and it led to him and his ex reconciling. I’m happy for his happiness, but also sad at the missed potential. Oh, well.
Dating, for me, doesn’t seem to be very important. My husband fulfills me in so many ways that I don’t feel as if I need anyone else. Guess what: that is a perfectly acceptable form of poly, too.