April 14, 2010
It seems to me that one of the hardest ways to become poly is an open minded approach to healing after cheating. I don’t mean telling your partner that your cheating was actually poly and trying to get them to go with it, I mean working, as a couple, to make the decision to open your relationship after as big a mistake as infidelity. It requires a lot of trust on the part of the wronged partner, and can be an extremely emotional process, I would imagine.
For some people, cheating is almost inevitable. I don’t condone it, but I can understand how hard it is for someone who is hardwired for non-monogamy, particularly if they haven’t been taught that there is any alternative. While some of these people invent the wheel for themselves and simply start out dating many people openly (Becky was one of these) many others try to force themselves into the mold of monogamy. Will all of them cheat? Of course not. Will they be happy? Probably not very.
While some people, myself included, can be happy whether they are poly or not, others will always feel a certain lack in their lives if they try to ignore that part of themselves, much like a gay man trying to fake a straight marriage. If this is you, and you feel driven to cheat, talk to your partner. If you already have cheated, well, talk to your partner. It is not going to be an easy conversation, and maybe not a pretty one. Your relationship may not make it, but if you really do need poly in your life, then a purely monogamous relationship was already doomed anyway.
Be clear about your need to express love and trust for others in a romantic way, and provide examples, if you can, of what great poly can be like. It can be very hard for someone to process this kind of thing quickly. Back off, give them time to think, and whatever you do, please keep your hands to yourself until the relationship is officially over or your partner agrees to a poly lifestyle. There is nothing worse you could do than to cheat again.
A poly relationship that starts in this way might start out with a lot of restrictions on the cheater. You might have more checks and balances in place, and it could feel like punishment, but please remember that this is hard for your partner, and that they really are trying to make things work between you. If you accept sometimes difficult restrictions as a direct result of your actions, eventually things will even out and your relationship may make it through intact.
Poly generally takes a very strong relationship to work. Cheating makes things much harder, but it is possible to successfully open your relationship if you are patient, open minded, and willing to communicate clearly.
April 12, 2010
Formspring is a strange and interesting social networking format. Click on my page to ask me anything you want to, completely anonymously. I can sign on and respond to your questions. Check it out and ask me anything!
I am very sad to say that the space I have been using for my BDSM play for the last several years – ever since I got started, really – is closing. An officious woman with the planning council got offended at their business license, and managed to pull the right strings to require the city to force the dungeon to get certain expensive evaluations. Like rats, many regular players fled the scene rather than spend any of their own precious money on saving their space, and the occasional players like myself were overwhelmed with the task of raising the necessary money. I, like many, did what I could, but sadly it was not enough, and the space will close at the end of this month.
I am really going to miss our space. The public play is exciting and fun, and a lot safer than meeting strange men at their homes or a hotel room, not that I can even afford regular hotel stays. The space was lovely, with a great atmosphere and a community that I will also miss. Not sure what will fill the void, if anything, but I will probably always be nostalgic for my first space.
I will be heading out this weekend with my new playmate, Pet to give it our final farewell. He doesn’t know it is closing yet, and I don’t plan on telling him until we get there, but I will make sure that it is a night he remembers. I think we’re going to have a fantastic time wishing the space a fond farewell.
April 1, 2010
I was reading a post today by Dear Margo, and the first letter of the day was a man writing in about polyamory. I was rather disheartened yet again not only by her response, which was lukewarm at best, but by the responses of many of the readers condemning the letter writer as a typical man thinking with his dick, an insecure person, or someone trying to justify cheating. I know that poly is not for everyone, but it makes me sad to see it talked about like devil worship.
The letter writer, to me, sounds like a formerly monogamous man who is struggling to come to terms with the fact that a woman he cares for is poly. It sounds like he is striving for acceptance within himself, and, finding it in some measure, trying to share that enlightenment with the world. His letter could have been better written, clearer, more impactful, but the truth of the matter is that is not the official PR spokesperson for poly, he is just someone struggling in the dark to learn more about himself and to separate his feelings from what society tells him to feel.
People like him, people who struggle with the concept of poly everywhere, need love and support, not condemnation.