January 12, 2011
When Monogomy and Poly Intersect
One of my commenters runs a blog that deals a lot with being monogamous in a polyamorous relationship. So how does that work? Sometimes, all you want is one person – your partner – which is fine. Assuming that both partners feel that way, you have a monogamous relationship. Sometimes one or both partners feel differently, and you get either cheating or poly. But what happens when one partner is honest about wanting or needing other relationships (basically requesting poly) and the other is very adamant that they don’t want or need any outside relationships?
A few things can happen, actually. The couple can become poly, perhaps unhappily in the part of one partner, who may feel coerced. They may stay mono and have bad feelings on the other partner’s part, they may break up over the strain… or they may come up with an interesting compromise. You be poly. I’m not.
So does that work? For some people, it can and does. After all, being monogamous isn’t necessarily about needing your partner all to yourself (we share with family, friends, and co-workers every day!) but about wanting to give your undivided love and attention to your partner. As long as you are getting enough love and attention back, do you have the be the only person getting those things? For some people, the answer is ‘no’. And those are the monos who love a poly person.
The problem with this arrangement is mostly with other people. Monogamous people pity the mono person dating a poly. After all, they’re being cheated on and they don’t care! Even many poly people don’t “get it”, which can leave that monogamous person feeling pretty alone. I’m glad Sage at Polyamorous People is writing for them. Check her out in my blogroll.