March 17, 2011
Does the Secondary get the Shaft?
My husband and I have a primary relationship. Period. But there is the possibility, eventually, that someone will come into our lives and become so important to both of us that they become a third primary in our relationship(s). Until then, no one has the priorities, the considerations, or the power in my life that my husband does.
That’s not to say that I don’t respect secondary relationships. In fact, I was a secondary (an interesting experience for me!) in my brief relationship with Matt. Okay, his primary relationship was wobbly and damaged, and it ended up costing me a potential relationship with him (and him one with me). But other than his wife’s super-special-crazy-sauce, I found the secondary relationship comforting. I didn’t have to be the primary source of love and affection in his life (okay, turns out I did, that was one of the many problems – but I shouldn’t have had to be), I didn’t have to commit tons of my free time to the relationship since we were both busy, and I still got plenty of affection and support.
BUT… I already have a primary partner. I can see how these things – which I thought of as so wonderful – can be a big downer for someone who is single. No attentive primary relationship, competition of a sort with the primary (for time, for attention, for affection), and possibly worst of all, the power that someone else may have over your relationship.
What do you think? Do secondaries get the short end of the stick?
Miss L said,
March 18, 2011 at 1:28 am
I have to agree. A secondary relationship does help relieve the pressure of needing to be ones focus. I think it’s as fulfilling as the secondary wants it to be.
Amak said,
March 19, 2011 at 2:45 pm
I prefer multiple secondaries, and I prefer being a secondary. Maybe it’s because I travel so much, I don’t feel very grounded in a place for to long, and maybe just because my life so far (particularly as a grad student) involved/involves floating around so much… And maybe also because I am not willing (yet?) to commit to a primary. So I find secondaries so much better for me. And in the end, when I am too busy and/or I have to leave and move on to somewhere else, I don’t feel bad about “abandoning” my secondary, and we keep the bond that we have anyway.
Kathleen said,
March 19, 2011 at 6:09 pm
That’s a lovely point – I hadn’t thought of it from the perspective of a “secondaries only” type of lifestyle.
Marie said,
March 28, 2011 at 10:50 pm
I’m similar to Amak – I’m a secondary to a married couple at the moment, have no primary myself and I really like it. It feels safer than any of my primary or monogamous relationships have been, and its just nice to have people that like you but don’t get too attached. That way if you have to leave you don’t hurt yourself or them.
As their secondary as well they don’t get jealous when I’m with others, and thats been a problem before. So no short end of the stick for me
Kathleen said,
March 29, 2011 at 7:53 am
Awesome, Marie, thanks for sharing your perspective!
sarah said,
April 15, 2011 at 6:47 am
I’m currently a secondary and things are going well. Just found out today that they are moving. I have developed feelings and don’t want to separate . What do you suggest.
Kathleen said,
April 15, 2011 at 7:58 am
I suggest you talk to them about your feelings. What actions you take or don’t depends on your relationship with them, their feelings for you, etc. and there are way too many variables for some random person online to hand you the answers. Tell them how you feel, and discuss options with them. It may be the end of things, or the start of something more long distance, or maybe you are all in a point in your lives and relationship where you might consider moving too. I wish you luck.
Daisy said,
August 1, 2011 at 4:02 am
I’m currently a secondary and, as much as I love my partners, I think that being in a “less than” relationship is hard, especially because our agreement has me being exclusive – I’m only dating them. I don’t really want only one partner, but at the same time, I wouldn’t mind a night alone with each of them once a month or something. I certainly don’t want equal time, but if I have to be exclusive, I think small things, like being affectionate toward me when we’re all out together, would be nice. (To be fair, it’s hard for them to show more than a friend’s affection for me when we are out with their daughter.)
Kathleen said,
August 1, 2011 at 7:54 am
That sounds very challenging for you. Good luck with your situation.
LAURA said,
September 7, 2011 at 1:11 pm
Never thought about it like that before, being a secondary and not being attached. I am a secondary of a person dating several. I hurt all of the time and never happy anymore. I am looking for someone just for me, to love me. I don’t want to end it, but at the same time I do. I get the “you knew the rules” all of the time and so many things that just eat at me. So in the situation that the secondary has feelings for the primary, yes, they do get shit on. This is m yfirst experience with this and more than likely my last…I can be in a one on one relationship and be hurt just as bad…..
Karen said,
October 2, 2012 at 6:32 pm
I’m also single/secondary. I have loved every minute with him, but overall, the relationship, I think is not good for me. I think it’s natural to (gasp) actually have feelings and emotion in a relationship and that obviously becomes a problem when he’s married. The only way for it to work is for me to regard it as a passing fancy, something to do for fun, and that seems rather cold to me, and not really what a ‘relationship’ should be about. It seems close to using someone, when I know he feels very intensely for me. But I cannot afford to have those feelings for him. There is no good answer. Even saying I should have just said no isn’t a great answer because he has put a great deal of good in my life…yet I’m not supposed to have messy feelings that would create disharmony in his life and marriage. Yes, I’ve enjoyed my time with him. But I would never do it again.
Kathleen said,
October 2, 2012 at 6:34 pm
It’s not “obvious” because not every married couple who are poly frown on feelings in outside relationships. I would even hope that most don’t. I’m sorry it’s been such a rocky experience for you, however.
Jillian said,
October 12, 2012 at 1:13 pm
I’ve been a secondary to an amazing man for a number of years. In the beginning, his significant other was ok with our relationship, understood it as she too was polyamorous. But recently, that’s changed and she feels very threatended by his growing love and need for me. It’s making her really crazy. The high road would be for me to walk away from him, from this relationship but neither him nor I are prepared to do that. We are deeply in love with each other and are trying to weather out her storm but she is pulling out all the stops to make him reaffirm his commitment to her. It’s making us all crazy. She’s become toxic to all 3 of us. He’s never had the intention to leave her, nor have I ever asked him to. Now, after several years of loving him, and being loved by him, I’m scared that her antics will drive us apart. I’ve tried reaching out to her several times, but she misreads every word and has become quite paranoid about our intentions. Any words of advice? Continue to love him and focus on “us”, let him deal with her? Please help.
Kathleen said,
October 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm
That’s a tough one, and I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle of it. I’d suggest looking for a poly-friendly counselor in your area, and having him and her attend some marriage counseling. It sounds like there is something she needs to work through, and doing it on her own is not working.
Jillian said,
October 13, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Thank you for your suggestion, Kathleen. She is in counselling but bottom line, she is full of paranoia and insecurities. She knows that he loves her, and he always will, but she hates that he is “in love” with me and his level of desire is much higher for me. He tries to force himself to feel that way for her again, but you know that cannot be forced or contrived, and she feels that too, hence the constant drama. I don’t know what the answer is. He says he will not stop seeing me just to make her feel better as both of our hearts will be broken if he were to do that, she just needs to find a way through. In the meantimes, yes, the secondary does get shafted…time, attention, affection does get redirected to who’s primary, even if that relationship is the same value. Primary is primary.
Fae said,
March 9, 2013 at 2:16 pm
Right now I’m a secondary to a married man. And I’m positive it’s a mistake and I’m sure I love him. And I hate looking at myself and seeing a stereotype.
He says he loves me, and I think he does. But in practical terms, he is there for me maybe 2 days per week. I find myself feeling obligated to go out there and find myself a primary, but that’s hard to do. And so, when I’m miserable, I blame myself for not going out there and finding what will make me happy.
I’m not sure what good believe loved by someone is if it doesn’t mean care when I’m sick or sad, if it doesn’t mean I can depend on him at all.
I kind of feel like I’m punishing myself. This is, in some ways, the most pain I’ve experienced in any type of relationship. I ask myself everyday what the hell I’m doing. And then I spend the day with him and I can’t imagine not being with him on some level.
Then then I call myself a stupid girl for wanting what isn’t mine….
Kathleen said,
March 9, 2013 at 2:30 pm
I wonder where his wife is in all this. Is she supportive? Does she want to keep as far away from you as possible? The attitude of your partner’s other partners can be incredibly important to how your relationship functions.
megan said,
April 28, 2013 at 11:41 am
I am a secondary in a relationship with a woman who has been with her primary for five years. Recently there was room given in their relationship for us to grow closer and we have fallen even more in love. I feel like she is not loving me like a “secondary” and the whole structure of primary/ secondary when it comes to love is starting to feel really unfair and against the way our love works. She says that primary means that they have four more years of history, live together, and know each others families but I feel like if some one says they want a heirarchy of loving then they need to follow that with firm boundaries because otherwise to love as if there are no boundaries and then keep them in place is really confusing. I have at times loved being a secondary with her and others and found it to be ideal but now that we are in a deeper, more committed love its starting to feel awful. Yet now we are in a deeper, more committed love so its going to break my heart to pull away from her. Right now the very idea of secondary love seems humiliating and coming from a primary experience-focused power structure.