May 12, 2011
I have a good friend. I’ve been half in love with him since we met about 7 years ago, but at first I thought it would be a betrayal of Michael to have feelings for someone else, then we were poly but he was still off limits because he was in a relationship for a long time. Finally, recently he became available but I hesitated. I didn’t want to jump in like a vulture before the carcass of his former relationship had so much as cooled (and trust me, if facebook can be believed he had plenty of other she-vultures to contend with!) Then I was not sure if I wanted to risk our friendship or upsetting the group dynamic since he is also close friends with my step-sister and her husband.
Apparently my step-sister doesn’t feel any of the same compunctions. They were semi-poly in the past (they were more like swingers, in a way. They would pick up a girl together, have threesomes with her for a while, but it was a purely physical thing from what I have observed.) She and her husband have been dealing with some marital discord and neither of them is great at communication… can you see how this is the opposite of what I generally counsel? Yeah, it gets worse.
Here’s what I have pieced together from the current drama: My step-sister asked for permission to ask our friend out. Her husband, knowing that our friend has a problem with the idea of poly, said yes just so he could throw it in her face when the friend said no. The friend said yes. I would guess that he has had a crush on her for a while, possibly in part because she has been flirting with him for months. (He was also apparently in the midst of a personal breakdown when she made her move, so we can argue vulnerability here, too.) The friend is now in love with her, and still not okay with poly. He is subtly but strongly encouraging her to choose, and since he is calm and loving and her husband is having what might be called a prolonged tantrum, he is hopeful that the choice will be in his favor.
Part of me hopes that the therapy my step-sis and her husband are in result in some resolution and her breaking things off with our friend… I’ve still got feelings for him, but at the same time I am disgusted by his behavior in this situation. I know my brother-in-law can be a jackass, but no one deserves to have his wife swiped, and my friend has made this clear that that is his “best case scenario”.
I’m sort of feeling the urge to avoid everyone involved until the inevitable explosion happens and things calm down. GOD I hate drama.