June 3, 2012
I love my husband. But we don’t have sex. And if I don’t have sex with him, and we sleep in different rooms, then how are we different from roommates? And if we’re “just” roommates, then what significance can our relationship really have for us?
I know this is sort of non-sensical, but it’s some of the stuff that’s been knocking around in my skull lately, and it’s really throwing me off balance, so let’s get it all out, shall we?
What I’m really questioning, deep in my psyche, is what our relationship is, and how sex or lack of sex may have redefined it. After all, normal married couples have sex, so if we don’t, does that make us less married? Less in love? Less able to care for each other. Of course not, but my fears are the ones in the driver’s seat right now emotionally, so I’m trying to squish them. And that’s where defining relationships comes in.
For example, my brother and I share an undeniable bond. We hated each other growing up, but once I moved out things changed radically. We’ve become allies, friends, and companions, and although we disagree sometimes, argue, and get frustrated with one another, I’m still driving something like 14 hours with him to help him move out of state. Because I love him and he loves me, and we are Sibling. So what is sibling? It isn’t just about growing up together, because I know plenty of siblings who don’t have a special bond or even much of a bond at all. It was a decision that we both reached pretty much simultaneously around the time we came of age. I’ve got your back.
And maybe it really is that easy. Michael has my back, too. We don’t just live in the same house, we’re there for each other, and there’s an understanding, both stated and quietly understood, that we always will be. Like my brother and I, Michael and I have made a decision. I love you. You love me. I’ve got your back.
May 6, 2008
Questions are wonderful Colby, fire away!
Unless someone is serious enough with us to be allowed to move in, and that is a gargantuan if right there because we have never really envisioned doing that, they will NOT be considered parental figures to our kids.
I don’t think hiding poly or lying about it is the good way to go. Kids pick up more than you think, and they hate being lied to. Instead, I think it would be wise to keep things mild when there are little eyes and ears around. They will hopefully know our partners as mommy and daddy’s friends, and that will be that. I also intend to teach my children to respect adults, so while they won’t be co-parents, they will be able to babysit or correct if for some reason they see the need.
Honestly, I’m pretty much making this up as I go along and hoping for the best. Luckily we were poly when the baby was born, so he doesn’t have an ‘other’ way of living to compare this to and ask scary questions about.
March 24, 2008
There are a lot of new words and phrases that have grown up around polyamory, the word “polyamory” included. I’d like to define a few, just so that you can keep from getting too lost when I talk.
Primary – Someone’s “most important” partner. This might be a spouse or a more serious boyfriend/girlfriend, and it is generally understood that this person comes first when it comes to dating others. Michael is my primary, and if he needed me, I would gladly cancel a date with any other partner to help him out.
Secondary – Although you can start ranking ALL of your partners, generally in a relationship where there is a primary, all other partners are considered secondary. Some people don’t rank things at all, and there are no “primaries” etc.
Triad – A group relationship in which three people are involved with and dating each of the others. This can be individually (A dates B, A dates C, and B and C date each other) or in a group (A,B and C all date together).
Vee – This is another kind of three person relationship in which two people are dating the same person, but not each other. Becky, Michael and I were in a vee because I was with Michael and so was Becky, but we were not with each other.
Quad – Four people in a group relationship. This can be two couples or pretty much any other combination you can think of. Get creative. There is also a form of quad known as a double-vee. This is generally involving two couples in which everyone dates everyone else EXCEPT the two men, who are straight. This isn’t necessarily the only way to create a double-vee, but it is pretty common.
Soft Swap – In which two couple may switch partners for things like making out and soft play, but actual penetrative intercourse is between primary couples ONLY.
Poly Fidelity – In which a poly unit promises fidelity within the unit. This is like a traditional closed relationship, except with more people.
Fluid Bonded – In which a group of poly people have an open relationship, but only engage in unprotected sex with other members of their fluid bond. Michael and I are fluid bonded (obviously), but he and Becky were not. That was the cause of the Big Fight.
Safer Sex – The use of condoms, dental dams, gloves, and common sense during sex. This is as compared to Safe Sex, which is only possible if your only partner is YOU.
Hope I’ve been helpful, enlightening, or at least entertaining.
P.S. If you have any questions about additional poly terms, please comment and let me know what you would like defined. I’ll be glad to help!
March 23, 2008
Although my parents are by no means ready to hear that I am poly, I thought a couple of months ago that my brother, who loves, cares about, and looks up to me, might be. We were playing darts in my office (the hallway is the perfect length to throw darts from the office doorway to the bedroom door where the board is mounted) when I brought up poly as an idea, and then told my brother about Michael’s relationship with Becky (who he was still dating at the time). I also told him a little about BDSM without going into too much detail. If you’re jumping in, might as well go big, right?
Well it turns out that my brother found the idea of poly odd but acceptable, and the idea of BDSM disgusting. Of course, he also thinks of himself as disgusting, since he has violent fantasies from time to time. (My brother and I talk pretty frankly about sexual stuff, in part because he hasn’t had sex and I am trying to offer guidance and make him feel good about himself). I think I gave him a little peace on that front that day, and he promised not to tell our parents for fear that they might die of shock.
My brother now has a girlfriend. She is 16 (he is 19), which is funny since Michael and I were about those ages when we met, and she is a lot like me. Flirty, kisses a lot, but still a virgin – sexy and confident, but on the fringe… oh, and she’s definitely a bottom and possibly a masochist who fantasizes about being beat up and even raped (before anyone gets all righteous here, rape fantasies are INCREDIBLY common, and I enjoy them myself, so no judgments, please). They seem to be falling for each other pretty hard, and I find it all very reminiscent to how Micheal and I met and fell in love. What a great story! They are apparently going to have some great kinky sex and, even better, they talked about poly together! They agreed that it would be too confusing, but they are both teenagers right now, and Michael and I took a long time to warm up to the idea. Since my brother expresses no jealousy at the idea that she still has other crushes and kisses her friends, methinks we’re gonna have a pair of poly kinksters in the family.
March 20, 2008
If I got to choose whatever I wanted, what would be my ideal poly situation? I honestly don’t know. Right now I would really appreciate having a boyfriend who was cool with all the things in my life (the BDSM, the baby, etc) and who was fun to be with. Good sex wouldn’t hurt, as I am quite the sexual creature.
For the future, the idea of a fully integrated quad is still pretty appealing. I think that the idea of a triad is rather spoiled for me after watching Becky’s teetering mess, even if it isn’t a mess just because there are three of them. A quad seems solid, stable, and wonderful, but on the other hand, I have only recently seen a quad with a leg knocked out. Although they are trying to work things out, they are well on their way to becoming a triad. Seems like that is a pretty common theme for quads, which makes the idea scary, too.
For right now, I just want someone else who I can BE with. That would be nice. I guess I’m hoping for spice right now.
March 17, 2008
Being the curious little creature that I am, I decided to do a search for “the other woman” myself to see what I came up with. One of the results was a site called TOW or The Other Women, and is a site that is a support and networking place for women involved in affairs with married men (or the other way around, although I didn’t see many if any men when I was cruising the pages). Sick fascination had me reading things like “does your boyfriend wear his ring when he is with you”, with comments from the “other women” like “I tell him ‘Don’t touch me with that thing!’ He’s been forgetting to take it off lately. One of these days I’m going to throw it out the window!”
What a sick and twisted little world that seemed to be. I realize that not everyone is cut out for poly and that in most cases if a man asked for extramarital sex, his wife would hit the roof (and probably bounce twice), but to cheat? I swore to myself when I was a wee lass of 13 that I would never cheat, and that if I felt it was necessary, I would end the relationship, and I have stuck to that. But what about the kids, you say, what about the family’s judgment… Well, I’m sorry, but an affair just seems like such a sick and sad thing to me.
There is enough jealousy and turbulence in life without adding lies to the mix. Yes, knowing that my husband has had sex with another woman is painful at times or difficult, but it would have shredded my heart to know that he had had sex and lied about it. Anyway, a lot of the time I can just feel happy for him that Becky made him happy, and that is a wonderful feeling. There isn’t even a possibility of that in an affair.
March 16, 2008
Someone found my blog today by searching for the term “the other woman”. I can only imagine what they were actually looking for, but hopefully my blog was of some use to them. It got me thinking about that term and what it means to me now, with the life that I am choosing to lead.
Right now there is no “other woman” in our life, but there is kind of one in mine. While Michael is currently not seeing anyone else, a man that I have some deep feelings for is. He and his girlfriend are poly (and all the way across the country), but she has been having some issues with their relationship, including fears and jealousy, and she isn’t comfortable with him being romantic with me. I am okay with that – she is much more important than I am when it comes to him – but it does make me kind of sad. I really would love to be able to be freer with him when we chat online (which we both do when we are working every day), but as I said, I will wait until she is ready, if she ever is. I sometimes wonder if she thinks of me as “the other woman”. In fact, I’ve asked him to pass on my contact information because she and I have so much in common, but apparently she isn’t interested in talking to me. I hope that she doesn’t feel like I am intending to threaten her relationship with him in any way.
The phrase “the other woman” seems to imply bad intentions, to me, and I would not like to know that that is how I am being thought of. The truth is, though, I am poly, and not everyone I date will be perfectly honest with either me or their partner (I hope this is actually not true, but it is entirely possible), and I might become “the other woman”. I wonder if one day I will be a part of a ruined relationship or marriage. I sincerely hope not. I am happily married (blissfully happy, thank you!), and the last thing I would ever want is to destroy someone else’s relationship. When it comes to partners with partners, I never want to be more important than someone’s existing love. I don’t need to be first in someone else’s life – I am already first in Michael’s.
March 12, 2008
I spent yesterday with my mom. It was a really nice day. We baked together, hung out, and were otherwise quite happy. There was one thing that made me sad, though. I talked to my mom briefly about poly, simply mentioning it and saying that I have a poly friend (true) and wondered what she thought of it. Basically, she is quite against it, thinking it pretty freakish and strange. I’ve already hurt my mom by coming out as pagan, and I don’t want to hurt her again… so I guess I stay in the closet for now, no matter how much I hate hiding myself from those that I love. Such is life…
March 7, 2008
I wonder what others consider the ideal to be. Is it a quad that functions as one unit? A triad that has attained balance? Is the perfect poly scenario one in which the primary partners take care of one another’s needs first, or are there no “rankings” at all?
The answer, of course, will be different for everyone, but it makes me wonder what others think of when they think of poly. The easy answer seems to be a threesome, usually with a unicorn, (otherwise known as a hot bisexual babe who is willing to date a couple).
What’s your ideal, or if you are not poly, what do you think of when you think of poly?
March 3, 2008
One of my big fears right now, and part of the reason for secrecy regarding my own personal information, is the fear that my MIL will find out about our lifestyle and use that as an excuse to take our son away. Now, my MIL is a good person, and she loves both me and my husband. The problem is that her love is superseded by faith. Strong, Baptist faith, to be exact. Until my husband convinced her to stop, her love took the form of telling me how sad she is that I am going to hell because I am pagan. I am somewhat concerned that her love might also eventually take the form of taking our son away because it is “best for him”. Now whatever happened to mother knows best?
Seriously, though, this is the reason that we were initially intending to keep this life a secret from our now 5 month old son. How would he handle a secret like that? But then we realized how improbable it would be to keep such a secret from him, and eve more so, how sad it would be to not allow him the affection of other potential long term partners of ours.
We plan on telling our son as much as he is old enough to understand, starting with “friends” and moving on as he and eventually our other children ask questions. It scares me a little, yes, but I have to have faith that if what we are doing is not wrong, then we should be able to protect our family. And if it comes to it, yes, I will choose my son over poly… but I don’t think I will ever have to make that choice – I certainly hope I don’t.