June 5, 2009
The following is from my own head, not an actual ad. It depicts what I think a more sucessful ad might look like, especially as compared to yesterday’s humorous personal ad.
Dear World, Kathleen is an athletic woman with an interest in fire dancing and performance that is shared by her husband, Michael. She is a work at home mom of a small child, but we have plenty of sitters and spending time with her does not mean spending time with a baby, at least not all of the time. She has a wide range of interests, from cooking and gardening to rock climbing and white water rafting, and is a huge fan of theater from both sides of the stage. A new friend or partner who enjoys water activities would be especially welcome, since these are things that Michael does not particularly enjoy.
On the sexual side of things, Kathleen is a switch in the bedroom, but kinky behavior is not for everyone, and we don’t feel the need to impose it on people who are not interested in participating. We both move slow, sexually, so please don’t be hurt by the fact that we kiss and cuddle but don’t jump into bed (although Kathleen is most likely to jump you). Please note that Kathleen is allergic to cigarette smoke. We respect your right to indulge, but please respect her right to breathe. Asthma attacks do not feel good, and we much prefer to feel good.
Michael is a very active person, but also very quiet and a bit shy. He enjoys playing pool for the strategy aspects, which is probably also why he loves chess. Do you play a good game? Kathleen is not a chess fan! Michael has recently begun leaving his shy ways behind to organize pool games with friends, and to start a small club of sorts that meets once a week. He prefers hiking to kayaking, Kathleen’s preference, but both enjoy the outdoors in lots of different ways. He enjoys performing with Kathleen in fire dance, although he enjoys the physical challenge more than the attention, and has recently taken up Parkour, which is very exciting for him. There is nothing like getting a new move just right!
We are looking for a woman who might be interested in some of the same things that we are, from being outside to movies to sitting at home playing games. You don’t need to love everything we do, that’s what we have each other for, but experiences only get better with the sharing, we believe. We have been married for four years, and have one son with no immediate plans for more. We enjoy various activities several nights a week, often not together, and would welcome new companionship at any of them. While we know that you can’t force love, we prefer a triad arrangement, although individual dates with each of us only make good sense! We would love to meet new people, date a few, and make lots of new friends along the way. Perhaps if we’re lucky, we may even find The Woman that loves us both and that both of us love.
We are open to the idea of a poly fi arrangement, but you will not be expected to drop relationships or commitments, nor do we want you to change for us. Married women, women with children, or women with other partners are welcome, and your partners will not be “drafted” into our circle unwittingly.
This is just an example, and some of our information has been changed so that we’re not so easy to recognize. Nor are we especially looking for a woman to date together. The last bit was hard for me to write, as I am not used to thinking in that way. I mean, in our case, if something didn’t work out with one of us, the other would likely continue to date the hypotetical “her”. Anyway… thoughts on the hypothetical ad? I’d LOVE to hear them!
June 4, 2009
The following is a quoted personal ad:
We are a couple (MF) who are seeking a preferably bi or bi-curious female for a long term relationship. In short, we are looking for someone to marry and raise a family with.
We come as a joint package. A two for one offer.
We are fit, active, intelligent, gregarious outdoors types. We are notoriously blunt as people (we were both that way before we met).We have a list of hills and mountains near Melbourne, Australia that are going to be climbed.
We are also into our markets, meditation, books, food and cooking.
We are also intensely curious. As people we are also very affectionate. The girl who joins us will never doubt that she is adored. The kisses, cuddles and snuggles are nearly endless.We are in no way financially well off.
We are looking for a mature girl aged between 20-30. We are looking for someone of an Asian (East or West), African,Latin or Eastern Mediterranean ethnicity. Because we are into our fitness smokers and susbstance [sic] abusers need not apply. Nor for that matter any “dolls”…if you are skinny and into your fashion and make up, trust us, you are not our type.
We will take our time to get to know you before we make the offer. We will date you as a couple.
It made me laugh pretty good. I didn’t reply to them directly, mostly because I have seen those kinds of “helpful” hints turn into some major flame wars on this forum in particular, but it is a little bit sad to me because I have no doubt that they will either have to change their tune drastically, or have to keep looking forever.
They seem like perfectly nice people, but they have a very specific list of traits that a woman has to posses before she can even attempt to “pass their test”, which is how this ad reads to me. In fact, it looks more like a list of job requirements than a personal ad. The only thing that a woman (“girl”?) reading this ad can look forward to with certainty is being used as a baby machine and hopefully breadwinner, and getting paid in “snuggles”. Maybe I’m just cynical.
Trust me, I understand the mentality that leads couples to want to date together. My husband and I felt the same way when we decided to give poly a shot, but we quickly realized that we were going about our poly journey in the wrong way. No one wants the pressure of hearing “if you want me, you have to at least pretend to be turned on by this other person, take it or leave it”. No one wants to be the “junior wife” or the third wheel (and trust me, in the majority of cases like the post above, there are strong feelings in the couple about their own relationship coming first, before any relationship with the “other wife”).
I also find it amusing and closed minded that the couple (their profile lists them both at 31 years old) is demanding a woman up to a decade younger, but no older than themselves whatsoever, of a particular ethnicity, and, oh, no smoking or tattoos, go away! (The tattoo part is on their profile, but not in the ad.)
I don’t mean to offend anyone, and if this is your ad, well, I hope that you look at it and realize that I am not the only hot bi babe in the world who is rolling her eyes and laughing at your arrogant “need not apply” terminology. I would rather find a couple that doesn’t require an application and a wait list, thanks.
Tomorrow, I think I will post the kind of ad that would really get me interested, just for contrast.