March 25, 2008
Answering a Question
Yesterday Red Wine Gums said:
Please forgive my curiosity but…
Are rape fantasies really that common? Are you differentiating between aggressive sex and rape? Because rape is a terrible thing when it happens. He or she has undergone a massive trauma which they may never recover from.
Can you email me or expand on it here? I’d appreciate it. Thanks
I wanted to start with some numbers, so I went to my old friend Wikipedia, which offered statistics stating that “24% of men and 36% of women have had a rape fantasy, and 10% of women report this to be their favorite type of fantasy”. The numbers that I had heard before actually quoted the numbers as somewhat higher, but it is something that few people would want to admit, and therefore the numbers that we see might never be accurate, but are always likely to be higher than reported (they would never be lower, as no one would lie about having a rape fantasy, I should think).
My own personal experience was of wanting to be forced or taken, but this was a fantasy (and still is), and I would never actually want to be raped. I have also found through experience that two women I know who have actually suffered from sexual assault in the past still fantasize about their partners forcing them or taking them within that safe space. This is not actually rape, but rather a form of power exchange play which is pretty common in BDSM, and can be engaged in lightly (play wrestling and “forcing”) or more heavily (beating or other physical violence, etc) as long as the entire exchange is done consensually. I know that this is hard for some people to understand, but I have actually had very theraputic evenings involving my husband wielding a belt (at my request) which relaxes me much as a massage would in my own personal way.
Rape fantasy is not something that everyone indulges in, and it does not mean that women (or men) who engage in rape fantasy will put themselves in dangerous situation or look for people to rape (on the other end of the spectrum), but rather that they enjoy engaging in this fantasy in safe space or even in the safety of their own minds.
I hope that helps answer your question!
Blessings,
Kathleen
I just wanted to add, by the way, that I have gotten some GREAT responses! Please check out the comments!
Polyamory from the Inside Out 