June 3, 2012
I love my husband. But we don’t have sex. And if I don’t have sex with him, and we sleep in different rooms, then how are we different from roommates? And if we’re “just” roommates, then what significance can our relationship really have for us?
I know this is sort of non-sensical, but it’s some of the stuff that’s been knocking around in my skull lately, and it’s really throwing me off balance, so let’s get it all out, shall we?
What I’m really questioning, deep in my psyche, is what our relationship is, and how sex or lack of sex may have redefined it. After all, normal married couples have sex, so if we don’t, does that make us less married? Less in love? Less able to care for each other. Of course not, but my fears are the ones in the driver’s seat right now emotionally, so I’m trying to squish them. And that’s where defining relationships comes in.
For example, my brother and I share an undeniable bond. We hated each other growing up, but once I moved out things changed radically. We’ve become allies, friends, and companions, and although we disagree sometimes, argue, and get frustrated with one another, I’m still driving something like 14 hours with him to help him move out of state. Because I love him and he loves me, and we are Sibling. So what is sibling? It isn’t just about growing up together, because I know plenty of siblings who don’t have a special bond or even much of a bond at all. It was a decision that we both reached pretty much simultaneously around the time we came of age. I’ve got your back.
And maybe it really is that easy. Michael has my back, too. We don’t just live in the same house, we’re there for each other, and there’s an understanding, both stated and quietly understood, that we always will be. Like my brother and I, Michael and I have made a decision. I love you. You love me. I’ve got your back.
March 23, 2011
PolyAnna had a great post last week about the various kinds of guilt that many poly people experience. They were in-the-closet guilt, unfairness guilt, and if I understood her correctly, just plain guilt about being poly.
The first kind is pretty easy to understand. You might feel that you are unfair to an OSO if you aren’t out at work and can therefore only bring/talk about the known spouse/partner at work functions. You might feel some of the same guilt at family functions if you are not out to everyone. And on the other side of the coin, you might feel guilt for not telling friends or family, particularly if the secrecy is to protect one of your partners when you might otherwise be “out”.
The second kind stems from the fact that poly is just rarely fair. You might both WANT to find new partners at once, for example, but that doesn’t usually happen the way that you hope. And while you are out enjoying yourself and basking in the heady cologne of NRE, your partner is sitting at home. Alone. Maybe miserable or at least lonely. This isn’t always the case, but it is certainly a source of guilt.
The last type seemed a lot like the second to me, but I think it was more of a “time spent” guilt. For example… If I weren’t poly I would spend more time with my kids. Or maybe “if I weren’t poly I bet I would be a better husband.” But for some people, poly is just a part of who you are. You aren’t cheating or trying to be unfair… This type of guilt, I think, is almost entirely societal.
Guilt can be helpful up to a point in that it can force us to take a look at our actions and whether they are truly warranted or whether they are really the best option. Once you have determined that you are doing the best you can, communication with your partners about your guilt and wanting to let it go might be the first step toward relaxing guilt’s hold on you.
December 14, 2010
I love my dad, but he just does not get what poly means to us. On some level, no matter how many ways I say it, he will always believe that poly is about being dissatisfied with what we have, or that we are afraid that if we commit, we’ll be missing out on something. I think in reality he is maybe a bit envious on a level that he probably doesn’t even recognize. See, my mom was in an accident when I was a kid, and she’s paralyzed from the waist down. That means no sex, and he will not cheat on or leave his crippled wife. It’s morally good of him, and my mother is too straight laced to consider poly, so he sort of stuck. I think he unconsciously resents us for taking liberties that he would never allow himself.
Some people will never get what we do or why, but it doesn’t have to be about them. Sometimes, it is just about living our lives for us, and damn the rest.
December 8, 2010
It’s been actually a while since we opened our relationship back up, but I have been so busy I forgot to mention it. It took us about three weeks to resolve a problem that totally rocked me to my core, but our love and friendship remained strong, and my wonderful, supportive husband gave me whatever I needed to work through my problems.
I’d just like to say publicly that I think I might have the best husband ever.
September 3, 2010
I am poly, no doubt about it. I had casual sex with a lady friend last year without a regret or a second thought. But I find it more and more likely that I am a one cock lady nonetheless. It isn’t that I am disgusted by men or by the penis, or even that I don’t enjoy male attention. In fact, over the years I have had more male friends than female in general, and I’m happy with that. But whenever things start to look like they will head in the direction of intimacy, I get squeamish and start to lose interest. It took me a while to figure out why that was.
That’s not to say that I will never have sex with another guy. I really don’t know what will happen in the future, and there have been one or two extremely rare cases where a guy has had HUGE attraction for me. The fact that both of them looked a lot like my husband in several key features might or might not be relevant here.
The fact is, you don’t have to want to sleep around to be poly. I may or may not enter a relationship with a woman eventually (I would like to, but I am SO BAD at knowing when women are flirting with me), and I probably will not date anymore men. I’ve given thought to closing our relationship given the fact that neither of us has much interest in seeking partners, but it feels like closing the door on some intangible wisp of a thing that is forming just over the horizon. I don’t know what the future holds, but for now, there’s just one cock for me.
March 11, 2010
Michael and I settled into a pretty long period of, if not monogamy, at least not active polyamory. Sure, we kept our minds open, but nothing exactly fell into our laps, and we were both content to leave things as they were. We’re quite happy together, and we do keep busy.
Of course, things don’t always STAY quiet! A couple of months ago, I met up with a friend of mine for coffee. This friend is a guy, and he is poly. In fact, I met him for the first time over a year ago with the intention of seeing if we would be compatible for dating. I liked him quite a bit, but he and his wife had very recently started to explore poly. She had a boyfriend, and I could tell that he was very eager to get his share much more than actually ready to date. I told him that I would very much love to be his friend, and we backed off. We didn’t actually meet in person again until pretty recently, but kept up with regular emails and chats over the year.
A couple of months ago, Matt and I decided to catch up in person, and got together. He is much more self-aware now and has a better handle on poly, and the chemistry was very strong. We kept things friendly and avoided touching except to hug hello and goodbye because of his limits, but it was very hard for both of us not to kiss goodnight.
Fast forward a couple of months and a TON of negotiation, which I will go into later, and we have decided to date. Our first official date is next week, and I really could not be more excited by this. He is a wonderful man, and very smart and fun. He is respectful of both me and my husband, and very willing to listen. And he likes that I am blunt, which is always a big plus.
I guess you can look forward to some stories about us, and possibly about my processing with his wife, Lizzy, who seems to be on the selfish side and reluctant to let him date anyone, much less a woman a decade and a half younger than her. It will be a process.
June 19, 2009
A long time ago, I messaged a man on the poly dating site that I was not interested in dating. He had said something interesting, and he was local, so I started a conversation with him. Fast forward about a year, and we now communicate regularly via email, exchanging several messages a week about daily happenings, etc. He is very polite and respectful, and has not made any passes at me.
It’s good to be able to make friends online and have them just be friends. He invited me out to dinner recetly, not as a date, but to get to know me in person, and I accepted. I will, of course, let the rest of you know what happens when we meet. I expect it will be a pleasant meal and some wonderful conversation. He shares some interests with me that Michael does not, so maybe if our friendship blossoms, we can spend time doing those things together.
This is one of the things that I love about poly. I don’t actually have any designs on this guy, particularly, but I can plan weekend camping trips or go out to dinner with him or any number of other things, and no one has to worry about crossing lines. If we roast marshmallows and go to sleep, cool. If we end up making out all night… well, aslo cool! The marshmallows and the making out will have to wait a while, though. For now, I’m just happy with a new friend to chat with.
June 6, 2009
The ad that I posted two days ago was written and posted by the male of the MF couple. I am honestly not sure if the woman is even aware of the account, because everything that I have seen has either been signed by him alone, or has posessed clues within the text that indicate it is by him, not her (for example, the use of “I”).
That said… I emailed him to let him know privately that his ad came across as a bit “job ad”-ish, and was actually extremely polite about it. He responded rudely, and since I have a bit of gremlin in me, I took the opportunity to have a fun battle of wits. Unfortunately, battling the unarmed is not too much fun, and I quickly grew bored of this third-grade-esque insults and gave up. Some of them were interesting… for example, calling me a “round eye bitch” beacause I am white and all white women are whiney and evil (apparently). I was also amused when he called me fat despite having seen a photo that shows otherwise (or else how would he know I was even white?)
I declined to respond to his last email, and thought this would be the end of it, at least in private (I will be happy to point out when he is being an ass on the forum, but so far he has just been stupid, not rude in public). Today I signed on and found that… he had redone the personals ad to make it sound less jobb ad esque. In fact, he even MENTIONED in the ad that he had redone it because he had gotten complaints that it sounded like a job ad. So… he calls me a stupid opinionated nosy white bitch. And then followed my advice.
I am ALMOST amused enough to email him again… but I shall not. Still, I got a big laugh. Hope you do too!
June 5, 2009
The following is from my own head, not an actual ad. It depicts what I think a more sucessful ad might look like, especially as compared to yesterday’s humorous personal ad.
Dear World, Kathleen is an athletic woman with an interest in fire dancing and performance that is shared by her husband, Michael. She is a work at home mom of a small child, but we have plenty of sitters and spending time with her does not mean spending time with a baby, at least not all of the time. She has a wide range of interests, from cooking and gardening to rock climbing and white water rafting, and is a huge fan of theater from both sides of the stage. A new friend or partner who enjoys water activities would be especially welcome, since these are things that Michael does not particularly enjoy.
On the sexual side of things, Kathleen is a switch in the bedroom, but kinky behavior is not for everyone, and we don’t feel the need to impose it on people who are not interested in participating. We both move slow, sexually, so please don’t be hurt by the fact that we kiss and cuddle but don’t jump into bed (although Kathleen is most likely to jump you). Please note that Kathleen is allergic to cigarette smoke. We respect your right to indulge, but please respect her right to breathe. Asthma attacks do not feel good, and we much prefer to feel good.
Michael is a very active person, but also very quiet and a bit shy. He enjoys playing pool for the strategy aspects, which is probably also why he loves chess. Do you play a good game? Kathleen is not a chess fan! Michael has recently begun leaving his shy ways behind to organize pool games with friends, and to start a small club of sorts that meets once a week. He prefers hiking to kayaking, Kathleen’s preference, but both enjoy the outdoors in lots of different ways. He enjoys performing with Kathleen in fire dance, although he enjoys the physical challenge more than the attention, and has recently taken up Parkour, which is very exciting for him. There is nothing like getting a new move just right!
We are looking for a woman who might be interested in some of the same things that we are, from being outside to movies to sitting at home playing games. You don’t need to love everything we do, that’s what we have each other for, but experiences only get better with the sharing, we believe. We have been married for four years, and have one son with no immediate plans for more. We enjoy various activities several nights a week, often not together, and would welcome new companionship at any of them. While we know that you can’t force love, we prefer a triad arrangement, although individual dates with each of us only make good sense! We would love to meet new people, date a few, and make lots of new friends along the way. Perhaps if we’re lucky, we may even find The Woman that loves us both and that both of us love.
We are open to the idea of a poly fi arrangement, but you will not be expected to drop relationships or commitments, nor do we want you to change for us. Married women, women with children, or women with other partners are welcome, and your partners will not be “drafted” into our circle unwittingly.
This is just an example, and some of our information has been changed so that we’re not so easy to recognize. Nor are we especially looking for a woman to date together. The last bit was hard for me to write, as I am not used to thinking in that way. I mean, in our case, if something didn’t work out with one of us, the other would likely continue to date the hypotetical “her”. Anyway… thoughts on the hypothetical ad? I’d LOVE to hear them!
June 4, 2009
The following is a quoted personal ad:
We are a couple (MF) who are seeking a preferably bi or bi-curious female for a long term relationship. In short, we are looking for someone to marry and raise a family with.
We come as a joint package. A two for one offer.
We are fit, active, intelligent, gregarious outdoors types. We are notoriously blunt as people (we were both that way before we met).We have a list of hills and mountains near Melbourne, Australia that are going to be climbed.
We are also into our markets, meditation, books, food and cooking.
We are also intensely curious. As people we are also very affectionate. The girl who joins us will never doubt that she is adored. The kisses, cuddles and snuggles are nearly endless.We are in no way financially well off.
We are looking for a mature girl aged between 20-30. We are looking for someone of an Asian (East or West), African,Latin or Eastern Mediterranean ethnicity. Because we are into our fitness smokers and susbstance [sic] abusers need not apply. Nor for that matter any “dolls”…if you are skinny and into your fashion and make up, trust us, you are not our type.
We will take our time to get to know you before we make the offer. We will date you as a couple.
It made me laugh pretty good. I didn’t reply to them directly, mostly because I have seen those kinds of “helpful” hints turn into some major flame wars on this forum in particular, but it is a little bit sad to me because I have no doubt that they will either have to change their tune drastically, or have to keep looking forever.
They seem like perfectly nice people, but they have a very specific list of traits that a woman has to posses before she can even attempt to “pass their test”, which is how this ad reads to me. In fact, it looks more like a list of job requirements than a personal ad. The only thing that a woman (“girl”?) reading this ad can look forward to with certainty is being used as a baby machine and hopefully breadwinner, and getting paid in “snuggles”. Maybe I’m just cynical.
Trust me, I understand the mentality that leads couples to want to date together. My husband and I felt the same way when we decided to give poly a shot, but we quickly realized that we were going about our poly journey in the wrong way. No one wants the pressure of hearing “if you want me, you have to at least pretend to be turned on by this other person, take it or leave it”. No one wants to be the “junior wife” or the third wheel (and trust me, in the majority of cases like the post above, there are strong feelings in the couple about their own relationship coming first, before any relationship with the “other wife”).
I also find it amusing and closed minded that the couple (their profile lists them both at 31 years old) is demanding a woman up to a decade younger, but no older than themselves whatsoever, of a particular ethnicity, and, oh, no smoking or tattoos, go away! (The tattoo part is on their profile, but not in the ad.)
I don’t mean to offend anyone, and if this is your ad, well, I hope that you look at it and realize that I am not the only hot bi babe in the world who is rolling her eyes and laughing at your arrogant “need not apply” terminology. I would rather find a couple that doesn’t require an application and a wait list, thanks.
Tomorrow, I think I will post the kind of ad that would really get me interested, just for contrast.