February 23, 2008

No One can be Everything to Anyone

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , at 10:20 pm by Kathleen

That is the thought that kind of started me on this journey to acceptance; but I’m getting ahead of myself.

I like to look inside myself, and I like to work toward self-betterment. Some people might call me Polyanna-Poly for that kind of thinking, since for many people Poly is about enjoying connections and trying really hard to keep things together, but it has always been about growth for me. Oh, and fun. We can’t forget fun. Really.

Our first encounter was supposed to be based on a story that I wrote. Hot, steamy, and nothing but pleasure, this story was about meeting some woman in a hotel room for an afternoon of hot threeway sex. The growth part? Well, that was me looking at the root cause of the jealousy I felt at the mere idea of another woman touching my husband. No way! I didn’t want him to have feelings for anyone else, and I didn’t want anyone else to be able to touch him the way that I do. As I said, neither of us had ever so much as been naked with a member of the opposite sex before each other.

Examining the jealousy was hard. It was a look at my own insecurities and at problems that we had been working on in me for years, including depression. I realized at some point that no one would ever be as important to him as me, and I felt like I was ready for this. I brought it up to him, along with my reasonings, and he blew me out of the water with the fact that he doesn’t like the idea of casual sex. So we would have to be dating this girl? It took a while to get used to, but after a couple of days, I was totally on board. I even started searching relationship sites for single gals who wanted to date a couple.

I was stopped in my tracks again when I realized something that should have occurred to me a lot sooner: there was no guarantee that our girlfriend wouldn’t be totally crazy and do something like poke holes in the condoms to tie us to her. The terror was intense, and The Plan stopped right there until my fantasy started to turn toward Becky, a friend of ours. She is poly, bi, and she and her husband (back when she was married) had tried to “recruit” my husband and I. We asked her, and after a few weeks, she said yes.

Our first date was near her house, a good 3 hours from where my husband and I live. I was about 7 months pregnant at the time, I think. A good part of the trip was spent in a grassy area at a Tantra temple. We took turns petting each other and even making out before we eventually went back to her house. She made out with my husband on the couch, and I ended up going down on him for a while. He felt a spark. She felt a spark for him. I felt… nada. No thanks, not interested. For one thing, she’s short, like, not even up to my chin short, and I felt like a giant when I was kissing her. And a guy. I don’t care for the butch feeling.

On the drive home, I told my husband how I felt, and figured that would be the end of things. Oh, well, lesson learned, right? Uh… no.

We’ll go into the next few weeks and lot of processing later. For now, thanks for reading!

Blessings,

~Kathleen

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