February 26, 2008

Dealing with being Left Out

Posted in Becky tagged , , , , , , at 11:42 pm by Kathleen

Being the “odd man out” when your partner is dating someone is just plain not fun. On the one hand, I was really excited for Michael and for the opportunity that he had to enjoy time with Becky. On the other, I was home alone, and I missed my husband, who was at that time enjoying another woman. For another thing, it is a three hour drive each way, and I was a little bit worried (just a little).

I actually managed to keep myself very well entertained and happy throughout the day. The hard parts come more from hearing about things. In our situation, this is added to by the fact that my husband has a very rosy view of people. He sees only the best in people, and always reports the good over the bad. This is lovely, except that he and I are working on betterment, so he always tells me when he sees something negative in me to allow me to fix it or own it.

How must it feel to have your husband go on about the wonderful qualities of his girlfriend and in the next breath (not literally) point out that you swore or that you need to work on something particular. It can seem as if he sees all of my flaws (he does) and none of hers (he sees those, too, he just doesn’t talk about it.)

There is also NRE to contend with. That stands for new relationship energy. Every time he saw Becky, he was on a cloud for days. While this never detracted from our relationship, it did make me mourn the change of our own relationship from this cloud-dancing bliss to the settled, happy, but otherwise calm marriage that we now have. When did we lose the sparkles? Of course, every relationship loses the sparkles, and that is where the real test comes in.

Michael and I have a very honest relationship, so I asked him to relate the date to me, and he gave me all the details. It was very chaste, very sweet, and totally okay with me. I was just beginning to think that I was getting the hang of things already when they arranged their next date, about a month later, this time at our house. The plan was for her to show up in the evening. I would make them a picnic dinner, they would walk to a nearby park and enjoy themselves for a while, and then they would come back, we would all get dessert, and then go to our respective beds (Michael and I to ours, and Becky on the couch downstairs.)

Oh, what an evening that was. Michael and Becky were fixated on each other. So much so, in fact, that they left the house at 6 pm for dinner, and I went to find them at 11 pm. They were snuggled up on a blanket kissing in the park. I cleared me throat, pretty unnerved at “catching” my husband, and told them that I was going to bed in half an hour if they weren’t going to come home so we could go for dessert. I turned to go home, and Becky remarked that they were thinking of coming back soon anyway. I have to admit that I was angry and unnerved by the whole thing. To tell the truth, though, it was not the relationship that had me angry but rather the complete lack of consideration for me (At the time I think I was actually a week from my due date, so I was a little tired by 11 pm!) If WE had made plans, then how incredibly rude of them to ignore me… right?

Please, share what you think. How would you have felt in a situation like that? How would you have reacted? Leave a comment (please!) or email me at polyspace at writeme dot com.

I really look forward to hearing from you!




  1. T said,

    I’m watching this closely, as I feel I can learn something from you and this. I have experienced some of these same emotions and situations.


  2. lupie1626 said,

    I had a similar situation, but it happened to me in every relationship I was in!!!! The first one, when I was still in my teens. I spent about 4 years going crazy over this guy Mark. He was 4 years older than me , called everynight I would go to his house everytime I could etc. Much to my surprise, a friends brother told me to read the paper and there it was MARK was getting married!!!!! So life went on, I got married, moved away etc. In the meantime Mark got divorced, we contacted each other again. NEVER did anything sexual with him but by the time we re-connected he had a terrible drinking problem. I joined the service and when I was deployed his siter wrote to me and told me he was dying, and wanted to see me. Unfortunately I never saw him. So, my marriage was a complete mess, and my husband cheated every chance he got. After 11 years, and his two illigitimate kids, I had had enough. I met a guy at one of my duty stations, we hit off. I spent seven years with this person, at first it was good, then it got terrible. He deployed etc, and we kept in touch. I went to see him about 2 years ago now, theings didnt go well. It was ackward etc, about a year ago maybe a little less, just before he was supposed to deploy again he wanted me to come and see him, but due to my job responsibilities I couldn’t. About 6 months ago we got into a HUGE blow out, it got so bad he called me crazy and I told him he could drop %^&%& dead. Found out recently he has been married for about a year. He never told me, never gave me a clue. I am so heart broken at the fact that he did not think enough of me after almost 8 years to just tell me the truth about his new found love. It was what MARK did to me all over again. I need advice on HOW to get over this, I can’t help but thinking now, with what I know about him, that the entire 8 years was all a lie, a terrible, hurtful lie.

  3. Kathleen said,

    Wow… I’m so sorry to hear about all of this hurtfulness, but I really do think that things are quite different when you are at least aware of outside relationships. There can still be cheating in poly, but poly itself is NOT cheating.

  4. stamperdad said,

    Obviously you are allowing your husband to do this so it is OK from that standpoint. What are you getting out of this though. Is it improving things between your husband and you? To my thinking without knowing more, he seems to be getting the best of this.

    You are the one that loves him and he loves you. If that is the case then he needs to work harder on you, not another woman.

  5. Jaime said,

    I would have been pretty upset. For one, you’re about to give birth so emotions are very sensitive at that time. Also, you threw away all you knew about a “normal” relationship to give this a try, and they took full advantage? I’m sure that it was not intentional to hurt you that way. When you’re having fun it is very easy to lose track of time, but with it being so early on in the relationship, a phone call to say things are running late would have more than sufficed.

  6. blackdove said,

    Dang, this is really old now, so my comment is kind of a moot point, but yes, your husband was disrespectful. I *understand* getting caught up on NRE, but from someone who has been the one getting caught up. . . you always know in the back of your mind when you SHOULD be doing something the right way, and you’re doing it the wrong way 🙂

    Are your hubby and Becky still together? Just curious what path it’s taken.

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