March 10, 2008

The Fight

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , at 8:16 am by Kathleen

Oh my god, poly people FIGHT??? Hell yes! Michael and I are interesting, not because we are poly, but because of who we are. We do not sling insults, we do not call names, and we do not raise our voices. In fact, most of our fights take place in a snuggle. Not this one, though.

To start out with, let me say this. My husband fucked up. He did something stupid. He is sorry. This doesn’t make my husband an asshole, a bad person, or any other nasty things. He is a human, and he made a mistake that morning. So…

After Becky left, we went upstairs to cuddle. He sensed that I was not quite okay, and I told him that I just needed time to process, then I asked him what happened. He described their morning, chatting, making out, and him deciding to go for it. He was still a little flaccid, so he put himself inside her, then pulled out and put the condom on. I went hot, then cold, then hot again. I felt my face flush and I thought I might throw up, but I couldn’t move. He continued talking about having sex with her for another minute or two before I got up and walked away. He told me to stop when I reached the doorway, and conditioned to obey, I did. I turned around and he asked what was wrong. I shook my head and something in his eyes told me to let me go this time.

I went to our office and looked up an article on safe sex, and on how you can get pregnant or diseased from contact/precum. I also took a lot of slow, deep breaths before I went back into the bedroom, asked him if he knew anything about that, and then when he said ‘no’, pulled him in to read the article. I was still too mad to even talk right, so I left for a walk. I was muttering to myself about how fucking stupid he was for the whole time, until this guy passed me. He said, “Wowee! You got a boyfriend?” I told him I was married, and he looked disappointed and said “Damn! Lucky bastard!” At the time I just wanted him to go away, but as soon as he was a few steps past me, I felt some of my spirit lifting. On the way home, I saw a leaf on a tree. It was something that had meaning to Michael – he is Native American, and he had recently had a vision about that kind of tree – so I took the leaf home with me.

When I got home, I felt like I could talk without screaming, and explained that that was why I hadn’t talked before. I asked him again if he had known any of the things that I had shown him in the article, but he had had no idea. We talked it out, he held me, I cried, and I felt somewhat better, but even today I feel betrayed when I think about it. He held me last night when I told him that I was writing about it, and he even apologized again. Honestly, it is an old story, and mostly healed, but things like this can hurt for a long time.

The explanation for the event was that he hadn’t realized that a single thrust constituted “sex without a condom”. The whole fight boiled down to the fact that he wasn’t thinking.

I’ll talk about confronting Becky, later. Right now, I need to stop and regroup.




  1. Mada said,

    Thank you for being so willing to share your experiences. No, he’s not an asshole, he is a human.

  2. […] Fluid Bonded – In which a group of poly people have an open relationship, but only engage in unprotected sex with other members of their fluid bond.  Michael and I are fluid bonded (obviously), but he and Becky were not.  That was the cause of the Big Fight. […]

  3. Jaime said,

    This post made me cry..

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