March 11, 2008

Talking to Becky

Posted in Becky tagged , , , , , , , , at 5:43 pm by Kathleen

As much as I felt betrayed and angry because of Michael’s actions, I felt much worse about Becky. She has over 10 years of poly experience, and knows better than to have fluid contact like that. She was also told ahead of time that there would be condoms at all times, and let him make that mistake anyway. I talked to her the next day in an online chat, after I felt that I had calmed down. I told her that I was hurt, and she said that she “probably should not have done that, but we were caught up in the moment.” I was so angry that I had to pause to catch my breath. Her disrespect for me seemed to be pretty staggering, but she had always acted respectfully before.

As it turns out, this is something that is called NVC or Non Violent Communication. It is something that is apparently very popular with poly people, and is something that I really, really, really hate. It is passive to the extreme, which is incredibly annoying. Becky used this often to deflect blame, saying after doing something “I’m sorry that this happened” instead of “I’m sorry I did X”. It’s part of why Becky and I don’t talk anymore.

It was during the same conversation that Becky said something about thinking about breaking up with Michael. At that point I became defensive of the relationship. I think that I took too much ownership of it; I was worried that it would end if I screwed up, and I was therefore determined to keep things going. What I didn’t think about then but did later, is that Becky never, ever speaks without thinking first, and she spoke to me about that the day after she had sex with him.

Seeing as neither of us had ever had sex with another person, letting them cross that boundary was very hard for me. Later on I was shocked and hurt very badly by the fact that she was probably thinking about breaking up with him before they had sex. In fact, that thought left me pretty furious later. At the time, I let the matter drop.

I realize that I have not painted a very pretty picture of Becky, and I want to point out that while I do not like her and do not respect her for the things that she has done, my husband does still like her, and I must separate myself from that. Also, there are two sides to every story, and hers is likely quite a bit more innocent than I have painted here. Please read with the knowledge that my own bias is very alive, and that reliving these moments does make me a bit angry with her all over again.




1 Comment »

  1. stamperdad said,

    Regardless of what she did or your husband did, the disrespect for you is totally unacceptable in my opinion. Respect is one of the keys to any good relationship. Your husband needs to take ownership of this and tell her to respect you.


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