March 13, 2008

The End

Posted in Becky tagged , , , , , , , , , at 7:37 am by Kathleen

That was their last “date”, actually, and it was NOT my fault. We all hung out together a few days after Thanksgiving, and all seemed to be have a great time. Becky decided that she was indeed going to break up with Michael, however, and waited until their next date to do so. He drove the three hours to her house, and she broke up with him when he got there. They then spent the entire day going to parties (this was right after his birthday and right before Christmas), walking at the beach, hanging out in a hot tub naked, and making out all day. They snuggled up naked for the night, and he came home in the morning.

I was furious. Not only did she hurt him, but then I felt like she had stepped into MY place by being the one to comfort him while he cried. I also did not understand how she could dump him and then spend the ENTIRE day doing romantic and sexy things with him, then snuggle up naked at night. I was even more angry when I thought about it and realized that she had probably been thinking of breaking up with Michael before she slept with him. This was the first time that clicked, and I was fuming mad at her. I still don’t like her.

The way that I deal with emotional turmoil that is caused by another person is to talk it out, which can sometimes get heated or emotional, even when I stay in control. Becky, on the other hand, avoids confrontation at all costs and responds with the hated NVC. She managed to deflect blame to the universe, saying things like “I’m sorry that things happened this way. It makes me sad,” and “This didn’t meet my needs for taking care of either of you” whatever that means. I tried to remind her that she was in the driver’s seat, at which point she accused me of accusing her of not taking responsibility. Instead of then TAKING responsibility, she then said that it was “not her intention”. She told me that she refuses to process with me anymore, and I decided that I couldn’t handle talking to her. I told her so, and then removed her from my messenger lists.

Healing has been hard. I like this metaphor: Michael and Becky are two kids playing ball in the yard in front of my house. Becky knew that there was a window right in front of her, but she was focused on HER game and how SHE wanted to play, so she kicked anyway, and lo and behold, my window got broken. Michael, who did not kick the ball, saw that the game was over and went home. Becky shrugged and said “Sorry your window broke. That’s really sad that it just happened like that!” And she went home, too. I want a genuine apology. Not “sorry that happened”, but “I’m sorry that I hurt you,” and an admission that what she did was a mistake. Instead she acted like a little kid who was afraid to catch the blame, and she ran away. That’s okay for scared little kids, but in a 30 year old woman, it makes me mad.

Anyway, she is human, not the devil. She messed up, and I need to get over it.

Right now, I see her as “his friend”. I don’t particularly like her, but I don’t have any reason not to be polite if we should run into each other (and we actually did run into her once, last month). I would actually let Michael date her again (he still has a crush on her) if the opportunity came up and he wanted to, but I have told him that I would be disappointed, and he would have to weigh that against how much he wanted to date her. That, ultimately, is up to him, but I think that she knows how upset I was, and even though I perceive through our last meeting that she regrets breaking up with him, I don’t think she’ll try again. I feel only a little guilty about that. Honestly, I would not mind if she vanished from my life altogether, but she is still Michael’s friend, and I have to respect that.



  1. Mada said,

    JMO, but don’t feel guilty about her feeling bad that she broke up with him. If she was thinking of it before they slept together, that means it was also before the fight and all that. It’s not your fault.

    I love the maturity and honesty in your writing.

  2. Kathleen said,

    I spoke to her today just to clear this up for myself. Apparently, she didn’t start thinking about breaking up with him until a day or two after they did the deed. She could be lying, but I’m going to assume not, although it makes me wonder why the sudden change…

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