March 16, 2008

“The Other Woman”

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , at 9:50 am by Kathleen

Someone found my blog today by searching for the term “the other woman”.  I can only imagine what they were actually looking for, but hopefully my blog was of some use to them.  It got me thinking about that term and what it means to me now, with the life that I am choosing to lead.

Right now there is no “other woman” in our life, but there is kind of one in mine.  While Michael is currently not seeing anyone else, a man that I have some deep feelings for is.  He and his girlfriend are poly (and all the way across the country), but she has been having some issues with their relationship, including fears and jealousy, and she isn’t comfortable with him being romantic with me.  I am okay with that – she is much more important than I am when it comes to him – but it does make me kind of sad.  I really would love to be able to be freer with him when we chat online (which we both do when we are working every day), but as I said, I will wait until she is ready, if she ever is.  I sometimes wonder if she thinks of me as “the other woman”.  In fact, I’ve asked him to pass on my contact information because she and I have so much in common, but apparently she isn’t interested in talking to me.  I hope that she doesn’t feel like I am intending to threaten her relationship with him in any way.

The phrase “the other woman” seems to imply bad intentions, to me, and I would not like to know that that is how I am being thought of.  The truth is, though, I am poly, and not everyone I date will be perfectly honest with either me or their partner (I hope this is actually not true, but it is entirely possible), and I might become “the other woman”.  I wonder if one day I will be a part of a ruined relationship or marriage.  I sincerely hope not.  I am happily married (blissfully happy, thank you!), and the last thing I would ever want is to destroy someone else’s relationship.  When it comes to partners with partners, I never want to be more important than someone’s existing love.   I don’t need to be first in someone else’s life – I am already first in Michael’s.




1 Comment »

  1. Ms Galaxy said,

    I have recently befriended a poly man. Once we had the discussion of what that looks like for me and him, I decided I didn’t want to get involved with that kind of relationship. There is no way I wanted to be the other woman. And I certainly didn’t want to hurt her.

    While not making an ultimatum, I did let him know that if he was free, I would be interested in a relationship. Otherwise I needed to walk.

    When his partner got back to town and they talked about it, it ended badly. He and I haven’t talked yet, but just based on what he told her about us (and I don’t know what that is), she’s kicking him out of her life. They didn’t live together; in fact have separate lives. But now I’m left with feelings of extreme guilt.

    We’re talking today about what it all means. I would never ask him to give up his lifestyle, but he may have chosen to. That scares me a little, as it’s a longtime lifestyle.

    Just nice to have a place to write my concerns. Really helpful blog. Thank you.

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