March 25, 2008

Answering a Question

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 6:32 am by Kathleen

Yesterday Red Wine Gums said:

Please forgive my curiosity but…

Are rape fantasies really that common? Are you differentiating between aggressive sex and rape? Because rape is a terrible thing when it happens. He or she has undergone a massive trauma which they may never recover from.

Can you email me or expand on it here? I’d appreciate it. Thanks

I wanted to start with some numbers, so I went to my old friend Wikipedia, which offered statistics stating that “24% of men and 36% of women have had a rape fantasy, and 10% of women report this to be their favorite type of fantasy”. The numbers that I had heard before actually quoted the numbers as somewhat higher, but it is something that few people would want to admit, and therefore the numbers that we see might never be accurate, but are always likely to be higher than reported (they would never be lower, as no one would lie about having a rape fantasy, I should think).

My own personal experience was of wanting to be forced or taken, but this was a fantasy (and still is), and I would never actually want to be raped. I have also found through experience that two women I know who have actually suffered from sexual assault in the past still fantasize about their partners forcing them or taking them within that safe space. This is not actually rape, but rather a form of power exchange play which is pretty common in BDSM, and can be engaged in lightly (play wrestling and “forcing”) or more heavily (beating or other physical violence, etc) as long as the entire exchange is done consensually. I know that this is hard for some people to understand, but I have actually had very theraputic evenings involving my husband wielding a belt (at my request) which relaxes me much as a massage would in my own personal way.

Rape fantasy is not something that everyone indulges in, and it does not mean that women (or men) who engage in rape fantasy will put themselves in dangerous situation or look for people to rape (on the other end of the spectrum), but rather that they enjoy engaging in this fantasy in safe space or even in the safety of their own minds.

I hope that helps answer your question!



I just wanted to add, by the way, that I have gotten some GREAT responses!  Please check out the comments!



  1. Thanks.

    I think the issue is consent in a way. Being taken or rough play so to speak is fine. But in my mind to call something a rape fantasy is misleading. A ravishment or something similar is a more suitable term IMHO

    I don’t have trouble understanding the theraputic aspects of BDSM or whipping at all but then I’m not your average, young male Christian virgin 🙂

  2. Rori said,

    I definitely have rape fantasies…and it isn’t the same as a “ravishment.”

    For someone who enjoys a domination/submission lifestyle, rape is an ultimate. As a sub, I have given my Daddy complete control, and so even when he takes me completely, he still had my permission to do so. It’s blanket/umbrella consent. Some couples use “safe words” or go over lists of what is ok/not ok before starting a journey into a d/s relationship.

    Regardless, a rape fantasy is different. A rape fantasy is where you haven’t given any kind of content – you’re just being used. There’s something about being used on such a base, primal level that is highly erotic. In a true, loving d/s relationship, no matter what the dom does, it is not rape, because there is that consent there.

    Rape is just an absolute – absolute domination or absolute submission. People have fantasies about it because it is a level that really can’t be achieved in a d/s relationship…and neither partner would want to, because the other side of rape is hurt. Fantasy allows you to dream about the good parts of the situation and forget what is so horrible about it, but a sane, logical, moral person will always remember the horrible aspects as well instead of acting upon their fantasies.

  3. dirtygirlexposed said,

    I think that there is a difference between rape and agressive sex fantasies. I have no desire to be raped or even to act out being raped by the guy Im currently having sex with but what I do love is control fantasies, him, mine whatever. Giving control up or taking it back. I think agressive sex between two people can be the greatest sexual experience but I won’t call it rape (fantasy or otherwise).


  4. Kathleen said,

    Hi, and WELCOME!

    This morning my husband came on to me as we were snuggling. I shoved him away and yelled ‘no!’ We had sex as I struggled and fought to throw him off me. I find this incredibly satisfying and fun, not to mention a work out! Is it rape? Hell no! I do have a “safe word” (although mine is not used in the traditional sense) to tell him if I am really not ok with what he is doing.

    I would certainly call that a RAPE fantasy, and not aggressive sex (which is also something that I enjoy).

  5. I still think that the word rape is not an appropriate term for that fantasy. It’s just wrong. School girl fantasy. Fireman fantasy. All are fine. Would you say that a pedophile fantasy is ok? Would you be ok if a member in your triad/quad said that? But if a member is attracted to younger women/men that is perfectly acceptable. What I’m getting at is the use of language here.

    What you enjoy is the aggressive nature of the sex. The very fact that a code word exists proves it isn’t a rape fantasy. Rape by definition is violent sex without consent. Your consent is implied.

    Obviously we’re coming from different worldviews on this issues. My chastity. Your polyamory. I just feel words are very important and I would never belittle what a rape victim suffers through by saying I have a rape fantasy.

    I don’t mean to offend and I thank you for explaining my question with a post.

  6. Kathleen said,

    What makes you think that I am not one of these “belittled” victims?

    The word rape is a powerful one, and that is part of the erotic appeal. The consent is both implied and directly substantiated, but it is still fun to make believe that it is not. There is a whole group of people who have “daddy/daughter” relationships in which the “daughter” pretends to be a little girl. Sometimes the play is “incestuous”, sometimes it is just a “come here little girl” kind of thing. Does that make them sick pedophiles? No, but I sure am glad that they have a safe outlet for “pedophilic” play.

    For the record, I am not a rape victim in reality, however I know two women who ARE, and both of them engage in rape play with their SOs in safe space.

  7. What makes you think an ad hominem is going to convince me? 🙂

    There are benefits to not engaging in every desire we have. We don’t become controlled by them. We don’t let them define who we are. Just the term itself troubles me is all.

    I don’t know the situation of your two friends. My issue is with the term rape fantasy. I think it’s belittling to people who have suffered the trauma of being raped. To my mind it evokes the kind of argument of she deserved it because she was wearing a short skirt mentality.

    This might drag on. Agree to disagree? 🙂

  8. Kathleen said,

    As much as we live in the same world, our worlds are very different, generationally, religiously, and especially sexually. I was never looking to convince anyone of anything, but rather to tell things as I see them. I’m sorry if a word that I used offends, however it is an extremely commonly used word in sexual circles that I know of.

    Nevertheless, this is a poly blog, and I have no intentions of taking the discussion down the BDSM track more often than necessary, so you likely won’t hear that word from me again. I do hope you’ll stick around!


  9. Why wouldn’t I stick around? 🙂

    Hope to keep reading in any case. Feel free to drop by me if the mood takes as well.

  10. beerlove said,

    I used to have this fantasy, until I was raped – by my husband. Now I have so much trauma from it – it is hard for me to function normally.

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