March 26, 2008

All about the Sex

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 9:59 am by Kathleen

For me, poly can be about a sexual friendship, but that is not where the definition ends.  Unfortunately, using that particular definition opens doors that I would rather brick up and forget about.

One of my best friends lives halfway across the state.  I see him two or three times a year when he comes back to his hometown for a visit, and we have lunch or hang out.   He and I also happened to date 7 years ago, and except for a brief stint with the girl that cheated on me with, he hasn’t had a girlfriend since.  And he sees poly as a long closed door re-opening.  I had to have an incredibly hard talk with him yesterday, since he will be visiting me next week again.  I explained that I wasn’t interested in a new relationship with him, and he started to argue the point.  He is one of my best friends, and I do love him, but not in a romantic way.  So what about sex? he say.  Stop protecting me, he says.  What am I supposed to do?

I promised him I would keep an open mind, and I will, but I also made him promise not to make a move on me, and let him know not to expect anything.  So what’s a girl to do?





  1. Respect of the human person is essential to any relationship. If he’s out to use you purely for sex he doesn’t respect you as a person. When people try to use their emotions or the relationship that exists between you as an excuse to get what they want there is something seriously wrong

    See? You didn’t frighten me away 🙂

  2. Kathleen said,

    HI again RWG!

    He isn’t trying to force me, but he does want to know why we can’t be “friends with benefits”, and I don’t know how to explain it to him. Also, my reasons do involve wanting to protect him, and he is right to say that he is a grown man and can protect himself. Still, much to think on.

  3. Hope it works out. Will pray for you if you like?

  4. Mada said,

    This is just my humble opinion, but having been in a similar situation (the ex who wanted to be friends with benefits, not the poly part), here’s how I finally explained it….

    We had an intense bond at one time. Because of that bond, I wouldn’t have been able to be strictly friends with benefits. I knew that the time would come when one of us would make a deposit into the “emotional bank” and want things to progress beyond FwB, no matter how much we would go into it thinking it would be nothing more. That would wind up destroying the friendship, and even the best sex in the world can’t compare to the best friendship in the world. Years later, we’re still great friends and the topic hasn’t been approached again.

    I’m not sure if that fits your scenario at all, but that’s how I explained it.

  5. Lauren said,

    I remember I used to hear people say that guys view sex differently than women do and really just think they were way off.

    But I’ve come to realize that it isn’t that they (gawd I hate stereotyping like that–so let me say now I know there will of COURSE be people who are different! This is a general statement…work with me here!)…anyhow..that it isn’t that they view sex differently, exactly, but that they tend to think of sex as a demonstration of affection (different from cuddling, etc).
    I don’t think I can explain it too well…Its just been tossing around in my head up until now.
    Basically it fulfills a different relationship need for (most) guys than it does for (most) women, thats all.

    The reason I mention this is I’m wondering if your friend isn’t thinking well–you love each other…and that is how to best express love for each other…unless you don’t *really* love him….sulk, pout, and all that…

    Okay, maybe with not quite so much drama.
    But I wonder if he just doesn’t really understand the boundaries of the relationships…
    When they are traditional, they are clear and he can respect them
    When they are less mainstream, less familiar, he can’t understand why if you care for him, the boundaries are where they are.

    I dunno.
    I shudder at the thought of having to deal with any of my ex’s.
    I mean we’re ex’s for a reason! It doesn’t matter how good of friends we’ve stayed…

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