March 10, 2008
Oh my god, poly people FIGHT??? Hell yes! Michael and I are interesting, not because we are poly, but because of who we are. We do not sling insults, we do not call names, and we do not raise our voices. In fact, most of our fights take place in a snuggle. Not this one, though.
To start out with, let me say this. My husband fucked up. He did something stupid. He is sorry. This doesn’t make my husband an asshole, a bad person, or any other nasty things. He is a human, and he made a mistake that morning. So…
After Becky left, we went upstairs to cuddle. He sensed that I was not quite okay, and I told him that I just needed time to process, then I asked him what happened. He described their morning, chatting, making out, and him deciding to go for it. He was still a little flaccid, so he put himself inside her, then pulled out and put the condom on. I went hot, then cold, then hot again. I felt my face flush and I thought I might throw up, but I couldn’t move. He continued talking about having sex with her for another minute or two before I got up and walked away. He told me to stop when I reached the doorway, and conditioned to obey, I did. I turned around and he asked what was wrong. I shook my head and something in his eyes told me to let me go this time.
I went to our office and looked up an article on safe sex, and on how you can get pregnant or diseased from contact/precum. I also took a lot of slow, deep breaths before I went back into the bedroom, asked him if he knew anything about that, and then when he said ‘no’, pulled him in to read the article. I was still too mad to even talk right, so I left for a walk. I was muttering to myself about how fucking stupid he was for the whole time, until this guy passed me. He said, “Wowee! You got a boyfriend?” I told him I was married, and he looked disappointed and said “Damn! Lucky bastard!” At the time I just wanted him to go away, but as soon as he was a few steps past me, I felt some of my spirit lifting. On the way home, I saw a leaf on a tree. It was something that had meaning to Michael – he is Native American, and he had recently had a vision about that kind of tree – so I took the leaf home with me.
When I got home, I felt like I could talk without screaming, and explained that that was why I hadn’t talked before. I asked him again if he had known any of the things that I had shown him in the article, but he had had no idea. We talked it out, he held me, I cried, and I felt somewhat better, but even today I feel betrayed when I think about it. He held me last night when I told him that I was writing about it, and he even apologized again. Honestly, it is an old story, and mostly healed, but things like this can hurt for a long time.
The explanation for the event was that he hadn’t realized that a single thrust constituted “sex without a condom”. The whole fight boiled down to the fact that he wasn’t thinking.
I’ll talk about confronting Becky, later. Right now, I need to stop and regroup.
March 9, 2008
The last time I talked about Michael and Becky, I was talking about a date that they had at the park near our home. The next time we saw her was at her birthday party, and I had a two week old baby at that point. I spent most of the evening taking care of him, so I didn’t really do much, but there wasn’t much going on. I watched them snuggle up during a group coversation for a while, then got a little bored and wandered off, where I met a nice guy who seemed interesting. We spent a while chatting before the night was through. I was having a very horny evening, but we hadn’t clarified rules on sex and there wasn’t really a place for it anyway, so I was under tight control. Michael and I stayed at a hotel that night, and headed the rest of the way home the next morning.
Their next date was at her house, about one month later, and Michael spent the night. It was odd for me, being all alone in the house, and I had also had the baby by then, I think. The timeline is a little fuzzy months later. I was pleased with how OK I was overnight. It was a good evening.
They didn’t have sex, but they did sleep naked and did some fooling around. Michael talked to me about it later. I didn’t mind hearing about it, and had only a moment of jealousy, which made me happy. I like that I have come to be able to control myself so well. Their NEXT date was almost two months later, and came about as a surprise to Michael from me. I planned with Becky to have her drive down one evening. I was going to make dinner for all of us, then go to my parents’ house to watch movies and give them alone time. All they had to do was put the baby to sleep.
From the moment that Becky got there, the NRE took over and I kind of became invisible. Neither of them was in the mood for what I had planned to cook, so we ordered a pizza. I would say that “we” hung out, but it was really me talking to them while they snuggled and made out. I don’t blame them, exactly, I know, for one, that Michael had been really missing her lately and that he was very surprised and caught up in the moment. He also didn’t know what I was planning. I fed the baby, pouting and irritated, I admit, and put him to bed, then left.
I was almost through with the first movie (one that I had actually wanted to see for a while, YAY!) when they called. Apparently the baby had woken up soon after I left, and was still crying. They wanted me to come home. I told them I would be home in about a half an hour, finished the movie, and went.
When I got home, I came in the back door and saw that the lights were off. The baby was half-wrapped in a blanket lying on an easy chair screaming. Michael and Becky were standing in front of him making out. The story that I got afterward was that they had only just paused from entertaining him, but it was not a pretty sight to be greeted with. I took him upstairs without a word, and Becky suggested to Michael that he go with me. I walked upstairs, turned into the bedroom, and suddenly felt like a fist had hit me in the gut. There were candles lit above our bed, and a bra hanging from the bedpost. I blinked, took a breath, and continued to take care of the baby. The baby’s diaper was dirty, and being a brand new dad, Michael hadn’t even thought of checking it. He really felt terrible.
We talked later about rules, after Michael had gone down to say goodnight to Becky. I had originally said that our bed was ours, but I had said that our house was ours, too, and then let him go downstairs to snuggle naked with Becky the morning of the last time she had stayed over. So many of the rules had changed that neither of us had thought about the rules that had not. I think I cried some that night, and he held me and comforted me. It was hard, but ok. The next morning he asked to go down to her, and I let him.
I listened at the stairs for a while, knowing that neither of them would mind. I guess I was just trying to eroticize the moans and gasps that I heard coming from Becky, and to some extent I did, but it was also a little disturbing. I eventually shut the door and went back to bed, but I couldn’t sleep and I felt trapped in the bedroom. He eventually came back up to tell me that it was safe to come down again. He said “I’m down a condom,” sounding excited and pleased to tell me. I was happy for him, but I still felt like I had been punched for the second time. All I said was “I figured”, and we all had breakfast together before she left.
Later that day brought a BIG fight, but you’ll have to come back tomorrow to find out why.
March 8, 2008
I’m only going to be able to vaguely relate this to poly, but it is a relationship thing, I swear. B are with me…
My husband and I are “into” BDSM. I found out that my secret feelings had a name, submission, and that there were other people like me all over the place. This was so exciting to me that I was not some kind of freak, but it also scared me. What was I going to tell my husband? It took a lot of courage, but I told him about myself and my feelings and then told him a little bit about BDSM. His response was, heart warmingly, that he would do whatever he needed to in order to give me what I needed. I have a really great guy.
We started out with light play and me topping from the bottom, moving deeper until we hit Master/slave, but I was still feeling as if something was not right, and maintaining the power all the time was exhausting Michael, so we stopped cold for a while, back to normal, just to get a rest. One day I mentioned how much I loved it when he called me pet (I think I was also pouting at how seldom he called me that), and our new relationship was born.
I am a service sub, which means that I get my jollies off of doing things like cooking for my Love, but I also have very pet-like inclinations, like my mischievous side, which I kind of had to suppress in slave-mode. Calling me a pet gave me the control (or rather lack of control) that I wanted, and him a level of control that he could handle, and things have been great. By the way, this is NOT puppy play. I am a human… just a pet human. 🙂
So… on to the jelly beans… they are my treat when I am a good girl. I get one jelly bean, and he gives it to me by hand. I love it. He does the same sometimes with things like popcorn, but jelly beans are my “good girl” snack. *melt*
I wonder how this will affect our poly relationships as time goes on. He tends to equalize things between us when it comes to outside relationships (allowing me to chat with a close male friend, for example, when I was on a speaking ban at home) . I wonder what his girlfriends in the future will think when they see me kneeling on command, sitting at his feet, or having my head scratched. I wonder if my boyfriends will “get it”. Kink and poly often are near each other at least, but certainly not always.
I love my jellybeans. 🙂
March 7, 2008
I wonder what others consider the ideal to be. Is it a quad that functions as one unit? A triad that has attained balance? Is the perfect poly scenario one in which the primary partners take care of one another’s needs first, or are there no “rankings” at all?
The answer, of course, will be different for everyone, but it makes me wonder what others think of when they think of poly. The easy answer seems to be a threesome, usually with a unicorn, (otherwise known as a hot bisexual babe who is willing to date a couple).
What’s your ideal, or if you are not poly, what do you think of when you think of poly?
March 6, 2008
This is going to be a short one today because it has been one hell of a day, and it is already late at night. Today I am just saying that there is a poly convention/retreat coming up this July, and my husband and I will be attending. I am really excited. I had to give up another trip that I was looking forward to, but I made sure that it was worth it to me before I even mentioned it to my husband.
The trip is about 5 hours from here by car, and the cost of admission includes the food and lodgings, so we’ll pretty much be set. We plan on finding a sitter (one of our mothers, probably), and will hopefully get to enjoy the retreat as a little bit of a vacation as well as an educational and polyamorous experience. I’m really looking forward to it.
Past classes have included things like snuggle parties (with a 45 minute talk on “snuggle etiquette”, as a female I say here-here!) and scheduled naked hot tubbing social time, among other things. Aside from a poly class at a pagan convention, this will be the first time that we jump in the deep end, so hopefully we’ll be swimming just fine.
Have any of you had experiences with poly retreats, gatherings, parties, or other socialization opportunities? I imagine it must feel freeing…
March 5, 2008
It might seem like a silly question. I mean, if you are poly, then there can be no cheating, right? This is entirely false, and I will show you why.
When you enter into a poly relationship, you hopefully do so with the consent and the knowledge of all those involved. When you find a new girlfriend, you do not “forget” to tell her about your wife, nor do you remove your wedding ring when you head to the bar. For unmarried couples who are getting into poly, these same rules apply. To do otherwise is deceptive to the person that is kept in the dark.
Let me make it clear, also, that if you are having sex with other people and your partner does not know… this is not poly, it is cheating. Trying to dress it up with a legitimate label is false, and it sure won’t save your butt when you get caught.
That said, it is also important to know that poly relationships differ from each other. My husband and I are fluid bonded (obviously), but we are not allowed within our relationship to have unprotected sex with other people. If I were to go enjoy some fellow, everything would be find in our world. If I did so without a condom, it would be a violation of his trust, and would be considered cheating. Some couples require that sex only be engaged in when both members of the couple are present with the third (or more). Some prefer that their partner inform them at least 24 hours before they have a date. Some require permission before anyone is allowed to enjoy another person physically.
Whatever the limits of the poly relationship, breaking those limits is a betrayal of trust and, yes, it is cheating. Some people even cheat on purpose, perhaps seeing the person that they care for but that their primary partner does not approve of. In poly, trust and respect are very important, and cheating is a devastating betrayal of trust to which even we are not immune.
March 4, 2008
A lot of people who read this are just plain vanilla (nothing wrong with that!) but others may be a bit more kinky in their own way. My husband and I are “into” BDSM, which very few of my close friends know about. We are also poly, and also pretty much entirely in the closet about that except to those same friends of mine.
What about you? Are you in the closet about anything? Are you out about anything? No need to share what, if you don’t like, but your reasons would be terrific.
March 3, 2008
One of my big fears right now, and part of the reason for secrecy regarding my own personal information, is the fear that my MIL will find out about our lifestyle and use that as an excuse to take our son away. Now, my MIL is a good person, and she loves both me and my husband. The problem is that her love is superseded by faith. Strong, Baptist faith, to be exact. Until my husband convinced her to stop, her love took the form of telling me how sad she is that I am going to hell because I am pagan. I am somewhat concerned that her love might also eventually take the form of taking our son away because it is “best for him”. Now whatever happened to mother knows best? 😉
Seriously, though, this is the reason that we were initially intending to keep this life a secret from our now 5 month old son. How would he handle a secret like that? But then we realized how improbable it would be to keep such a secret from him, and eve more so, how sad it would be to not allow him the affection of other potential long term partners of ours.
We plan on telling our son as much as he is old enough to understand, starting with “friends” and moving on as he and eventually our other children ask questions. It scares me a little, yes, but I have to have faith that if what we are doing is not wrong, then we should be able to protect our family. And if it comes to it, yes, I will choose my son over poly… but I don’t think I will ever have to make that choice – I certainly hope I don’t.
March 2, 2008
I’ve heard a bit from people about how unfair it is that my husband gets a girlfriend, and I am still only with him. In fact, this is not because he has in any way restricted me. I have had several interests since the entire poly adventure began, none of which have panned out. One gentleman, an old friend rediscovered, was busy chasing a girl who was playing hard to get. A man that I met last September emailed me a few times, then confessed that although I seemed very mature, he was subject to age bias and didn’t want to date me (okaaaaay…). By the way, that one has since started pursuing me, but his comment rather threw my interest. Another interest lives all the way across the country, and his girlfriend has decided that they need to focus on each other for a while. He and I are very close friends, and that is where it will stay, at least for now.
I also have a crush on a guy who teaches a class that I enjoy, but I really don’t think he’s available, cute as he is. And so, you can plainly see that I have had several opportunities, but that there are simply no actual openings before me quite yet. Since we have a kidlet, picking up strangers in public places is not typically possible (men run from women with babies), so I am and have been mostly content to sit and wait.
There is a poly conference coming up this summer, and I have dedicated a fund to taking that trip with my husband and meeting other lovely poly people.
March 1, 2008
I just read a blog from a poly quad that has me just bursting at the seams. A quad, for those who don’t know, is a group of four (usually but not always composed of two couples). This particular quad was a pair of spouses, who met and fell in love. The group put their primary parters (their spouses) in a kind of elevated position, and that was just fine. One of the women blogged about discovering the depth of true love with her “other husband”, and the first time that she truly fell deeply in love with him, many months, actually, after the quad had formed. Replacing the friend and lover feeling was the same feeling of deep love that she felt for her legal spouse. That had my heart absolutely bursting.
When I think of the ideal poly situation out there, I think of a quad with another couple. The idea of being able to interact freely and lovingly with three people on a daily basis and the support system that goes with that seems incredible, and I would absolutely love to be a part of something like that.
At the same time, I look at things like what this brave woman describe, and my heart constrict more from fear than from pleasure. Could I truly handle it if my husband felt about another woman the same way that he feels about me? As of right now, the answer is certainly, definitely, absolutely NOT. I think that I would be terrified, heartbroken, and very lost. It also makes me realize that I may define myself a little too much still by how much my husband loves me. I may not be his only, but I am his best. How would I handle things if I were no longer his best, either, but one of his two best?
I am not there yet, but one day I might be. I would really have to be able to love this theoretical girl quite a lot to get to the point where I would really, truly be okay with Michael loving her that much as well. I don’t know anyone right now that I love and trust that much, although when I think of forming a quad, my mind automatically wanders to a dear friend of mine a whole continent away and his own true love (they are also poly) and I wonder if I could love her that much… I might never get to find out, and the chances of either couple making a cross-country move are slim to none anyway, but it’s fun to dream… and you never know what the future may hold.
Thank you, Temptress, for the inspiration and the wealth of feelings.