April 10, 2008

Letter to my Father

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , at 7:17 am by Kathleen

So, I was on a “date” with my dad last night, and I accidentally mentioned the ex screwing up.  Explaining out of context made the ex sound like a real prick, and I felt bad about essentially keeping secrets since my dad and I have this grown up relationship where we talk about stuff like sex from time to time.  I have wanted to tell him for a while, so I talked to  him about poly and even about BDSM.  It was hard, but good, and he took it really well, telling me that I am a big girl and can do what I want.  He also feels that I MAY have pushed a self destruct button on the marriage, and that this fact puts the baby at risk.  I wrote him the following letter:

Believe it or not, Michael and I have done a great deal of thinking about how this choice will affect Michael and how it will affect our family, and something that I know for a fact is that even if Michael were not totally dedicated to me (and I to him), he is also absolutely dedicated to his family, and that means to the baby.  As much as jealousy and mistrust can blow up in your face with poly relationships, trust and communication can make them, if hard work, still a terrific thing.  We have always talked about crushes that we’ve had on other people, etc., but now we are allowed within the rules of our relationship to act on such feelings if either of us wants.  We have clear boundaries for when/where/how, and rules for who has to meet the spouse (which would be anyone the other wants to date regularly).  We EVEN plan on getting an STD and HIV screen every 6 months when either of us is sexually active (and 6 months after) with other people.  I know you don’t really think poly “works”, you said as much when I talked to you about Becky and her triad, but if I were to date some other guy, it would not mean that I am in any way less devoted to Michael.  In fact, a guy friend kissed me a few months back, and I came home feeling even closer to Michael than ever.  Affairs, lies, and jealousy can rip apart a marriage, but if he has no reason to hide an attraction or even a relationship with another person, why would he leave?

That is the simple version, so don’t think, please, that I am being naive.  I have never, ever met a couple that has the same deep relationship that we have anywhere near our age, and very few older couples communicate so clearly or trust so much as we do, at least in my experience.  This was a sexual fantasy (on my part) that I talked Michael into and that grew into an opportunity for learning and growth for both of us.  I know that watching my husband leave for a date with another woman has been really hard at times and surprisingly easy at others, and it was always wonderful to see how grateful and loving and just plain happy he was when he came home.  (I saw was because Becky had some personal issues and broke up with Michael to simplify things back in December, so neither of us is even dating anyone else right now.)  Actually, we’re both really conservative about it, too.  There’s no DRIVE to date because we’re both happy at home, so it’s not about casual sex or even really casual dating, just about love, trust… all that good stuff.

I love my dad, and it is good that wen can talk frankly about even this kind of thing.  It relieves a real burden for me.





  1. Mada said,

    I’m glad you were able to tell your dad. I know it’s hard, especially when we think our parents will disapprove. Your letter to him seems very well thought out and very mature.

  2. Auria Cortes said,

    Though I’ve never been married, I’ve been in situations where there was a “main guy” and two or three guys I saw on the side. It wasn’t cheating per se because we weren’t officially a couple, but I liked the arrangement very much. I’ve been in quite a few of them. That said, I never loved the “main guy.” I cared for him lots, tho.

  3. Kathleen said,

    You don’t have to be “in love” to be poly, even though that is the ideal for some. Hope you stick around!

  4. Auria Cortes said,

    Kathleen, I guess my point is that I don’t know if I could do it if I were in love. Or should I say, I wouldn’t mind dating outside of the relationship if I were in love, but I wouldn’t want him to. LOL But who knows?

  5. Kathleen said,

    It was actually quite hard at first, and I was very jealous for a long time before we went down this path. It comes down to the fact that I trust him and he me, totally. I can allow him to enjoy himself with other people, and vice versa. The more you love, the more is at stake.

  6. Auria Cortes said,

    What do you mean by trust? Trust that he won’t fall in love with someone else? Trust that he will be upfront with you if he gets “serious” with someone?

  7. Kathleen said,

    I trust that no matter what is going on with other women, myself and our son will always be his first priority. My feelings and my needs come first with him.

    I also trust him to be honest no matter what. I know that he fell in love with Becky. I know the intimate details of what went on between them. I know that if I wanted or needed to know more, he would share it with me, and that he would keep silent if I asked him to. I trust him not to sneak around and hide; he has no reason to.


  8. Auria Cortes said,

    Believe it or not, that makes sense.

    “so it’s not about casual sex or even really casual dating”

    Maybe you answered this in another post but I’m wondering if it’s not about casual sex or casaul dating, then what is it?

    When I had a “main guy,” the side guys was sometimes about casual sex, sometimes about casual dating, or sometimes about wanting to get to know an interesting person.

  9. Kathleen said,

    (I am LOVING this conversation!)

    For me, and I think for him, too, poly is about being willing to explore that trust with each other. I’ve never had sex with anyone else, but a few months back I got to kiss a good friend without worrying about hurting my husband.

    I might consider casual sex, and I would probably consider casual dating – I am not excluding those things – but what this is really ABOUT, what we really DESIRE, is the new and improved closeness with each other that has sprung up out of this additional level of trust and openness. We had an excellent relationship before poly, and poly has helped us affirm that and strengthen it.

  10. Auria Cortes said,

    I don’t know, but if you aren’t having sex with other men you are taking the fun out of poly relationships. 🙂 I’m teasing.

    I automatically assumed you were sexual active with other men. Is your husband sexually active with other women or is that part of the info you don’t want to know?

  11. Kathleen said,

    I am not against sex, I just haven’t had a poly relationship yet. My husband did have a relationship that ended in December, and they had sex once.

    I was actually really antsy to sleep with someone – anyone – a few months ago, and I realized that it was because I felt like he got a new toy or something and I had to wait. I just wanted to get the first time “over with”. Once I realized that, I relaxed quite a bit. The two men I met yesterday look promising, each in different ways, so who knows?

  12. Auria Cortes said,

    I’m single by choice. Dating takes up a lot of time. Not just in “clock time”, but in also in thinking about the guy, talking to the guy, emailing the guy and so on. This is time that I don’t have. I’ve found that even casual sex requires more of my time than I’m willing to give up.

    Good luck with the two “new” guys. I’ll read your blog to find out what happens. 🙂

  13. Kathleen said,

    But you get paid back in fun for the time you spend. LOL

    Anyway, thank you again for reading! Glad to hear that you’ll be sticking around!

  14. Auria Cortes said,

    My right hand is just as fun and less complicated. LOL

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