April 25, 2008

Two Couples Together

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 3:22 pm by Kathleen

What do you all think of the idea of two couples who live and love together?  In my poly experience, I have mostly met straight men, although I have met a few bi men as well.  I would say that for the most part I am really not attracted to the idea of two guys having sex.  If I were to be in a two couple relationship, it would be a group with 6 relationships, but only 5 of them romantic, especially since Michael is not into the idea of other men.

I think that it could be really interesting to see how we would handle dating another couple.  It would be wonderful to have that sense of support and that… I don’t even know how to say it, exactly.  I really like the idea of being able to choose a partner for the night or whatever and know that no one is getting left out or feeling lonely.  The guys might have to just be buddy buddy when the girls get together, but for the most part there is a comfortable place for everyone.  That is what I think of when I think of two couples.



  1. This is just from my point of view, which is one of being in a monogamous relationship in which I don’t have the desire to be with others; even though I’m not interested in choosing this way of life for myself, I enjoy reading your blog just because its an interesting prospective to read about. But from my perspective, some of these things seem to, like you said in one post, look at the emotional implications of poly “through rose colored glasses.” I’m definitely not saying this to criticize…I’m saying it to get more information. Because when I read this:

    “I really like the idea of being able to choose a partner for the night or whatever and know that no one is getting left out or feeling lonely.”,

    the first thing that jumped into my mind was, but what if one lady wanted to be with a certain man that night and he wanted to be with another? Wouldn’t that be a stressful/tense/emotionally volatile situation? I really am so interested in your take on the subject because it is so foreign to me. Thanks for sharing such an informative and intimate corner of your life.

  2. Kathleen said,

    That, my friend, is a wonderful question, and one that I think deserves its very own post. Look for it tomorrow, k? 🙂

  3. Sure thing. Have a good weekend 🙂

  4. Louisa said,

    Dating (and falling in love with) another couple is very tricky but the rewards are amazing! The biggest issue we face is when one of the couples is going through a tough time – how much do you interfere in their relationship? Difficult to stay objective when you see both points of view and yet are protective of both of them! The relationship is not just two couples, the same sex friendships are also exceedingly important as is the dynamic of a three out of four group when one person is away or out of town. But beyond this, the synchronicity is absolutely fabulous, in fact getting into secondary or tertiary relationships is still wonderful, but with another couple I believe that the joy is exponential (as is the potential for trouble!!).

  5. Thomas said,

    Here here, on the potential for trouble as well as joy. My wife and I are entering/experimenting with a two-couple relationship with a couple with whom we’ve been friends for a long time. They’ve ‘played’ nonromantically for a long time; we never did. Knowing them ignited our sex and love life, and the two couples eventually fell together, in a beautiful way.
    But – then storm clouds. Then another beautiful experience, then another storm. But it just gets better, as do each of us and each relationship.
    About the issue above of ‘what if one person wants another but the latter wants someone else’ : this kind of relationship (and I would think any play/poly one) requires the utmost dedication to self-perfection and mastery of one’s own ego, desires, and LOVE. One must have an open enough heart to see something beautiful happen without you, even when you are perhaps needing attention; and yet remember to see and take happiness from the fact that these people you love are enjoying something. In that sense, it doesn’t matter what you’ve got ‘right now’ : you know you’ve got your spouse’s love the next time you see her, and also this other awesome couple who are there for you.
    So we all need to constantly be thinking about all the others, which is the utmost practice of all spiritual traditions, isn’t it? If I was hoping for X this weekend, but my tells me Y before she hears she wants X, I take stock of which option is better for ALL of us, and if that’s no big difference, then I consider whether even that alone might not be overridden by my desire for her to be happy right now. I must know that they are also thinking about me, and ‘what goes around comes around’.
    COMMUNICATION. If you can’t say what you want, need, or don’t want or need, without fear of judgement or counter-reactions, this ain’t for you. It’s WORK.

  6. Seeker said,

    Thomas, I just love the way you describe the evolving dynamic between four. I mean, it makes sense to me that the blissful, rewarding times will be counter-balanced by the other less satisfying experiences since all relationships are ever-changing. The two-couple, four-person dynamic simply increases the challenges. As a poly bisexual couple, we find the growth, depth and closeness to our other-couple lovers well worth the work. It’s definitely a situation where doing the work together with honesty and love at the core really pays off.

  7. Barb said,

    Wow, this is great. My husband and I have been in a relationship with another couple for 2 years now. We’ve had our ups and downs… alot of them, but we grow every day, and we all love one another beyond belief. I’m trying to find more on the subject, but it doesn’t seem there is a lot of 2 couple relationships out there…. would love to hear more… and share too!

    • winkz said,

      Hi Barb, we have just recently started a relatioship with a couple and would love to hear more about how things are going for you. Are there any children in either family?

      • Barb said,

        Sorry for the delay…. year and a half delay LOL Anyway, we are all still going strong. My husband and I don not have any children, however the couple that we are with do have two daughters, 20 and 16. We often do things with the kids too. They call us aunt and uncle. We even go on summer vacation together. We rent a lake house and the kids come up for half the time we are there. Our couple come over weekly, to our house since we don’t have kids. As soon as they walk in the door, it’s couple switch time, kindof. We are with the other but still have hugs and kisses with our mate. When it comes time for bed, we go with our ‘other’ to bed. Sometimes we have sex, other times we just cuddle. The newness has worn off, it just seems kindof normal now. We all have a wonderful relationship. I doubt it will ever end. If it did, my husband and I wouldn’t go out looking for another couple, as we have found something special with the ones we love now and I doubt we could ever find it again.

      • Paulo said,

        Hi all! Hi Barb. I do not know if this thread is still going on but I would love to be able to talk to someone with good experience in this topic. Please! My wife and I may be entering this realm and I need to talk to someone who actually knows what I am talking about. Thanks so much!

  8. teahead said,

    I’m currently in a triad, but I imagine another couple can work IF (this would be only my preference for myself) if the two women were totally into each other as well as into their own man and the other guy. And the guys were good buddies, but not into eachother (not my thing). There would have to be zero jealousy. I wouldnt have an issue, but I can imagine my wife would be if I date the other woman and she’s left without plans bc the other guy has other plans. Of course it wouldnt happen bc if four is not avail, the three can go out. No ne would ever be left out!

    The two couples would have to be very happy on their own; otherwise it wouldnt work.

  9. Christina said,

    Hi, I’m extremely grateful that I found this blog. I’m currently in a devoted (same-sex) relationship with my Fiancee and are set to married in the beginning of this September (will have been together 3 years in September). We’ve been doing really good in our relationship, but about a week or two ago, she started acting really weird and distant and it really freaked me out and scared me. Later she talked to me and told me that (even though we had talked about it before and I had told her that I didn’t think that I would be able to do anything like a threesome or more (polyamory)) that she was having feelings and desires to include more people in our sex life.

    Ever since then, I’ve been going through a whirlwind of emotions (very much like a roller coaster). She said that there is specifically a couple that she was really interested – a co-worker that she had come to be really good friends with and his girlfriend. At times I feel good about possibly going forward with this, but then at times I freak out mentally because I had sworn myself to her and only her.

    Yesterday was a good day for me and had pretty much decided to go forward with this with my fiancee and the other couple… But then we started talking about establishing rules and what we were comfortable with and I started freaking out in my head again. The biggest issue that I’m running into is that there’s a guy. My preference is predominantly women (there are some guys I’m attracted to, but there are far and few), but my fiancee has mostly only been with guys (I’m her second girlfriend, but her first woman sexual partner). I guess she had been talking with her friend (the guy of the other couple) and he asked her if we wanted him to use condoms. I freaked out when she told me this. I was almost 100% positive that I had told her that I didn’t want any penetration (for either of us).

    I guess that I’m freaking out the most because what if she is starting this whole thing because she misses being with men and really wants that; what if we don’t want the same things out of this experience (sexual act preferences); etc.. I can’t compete with him, because I don’t have the same body parts.. Sorry, now I’m just rambling.

    Please help me out and offer any advice you might have!!

    -Freaked out Fiancee

    • Kathleen said,

      It sounds like you’re feeling really pressured to do something that has absolutely no appeal to you. So tell her that. You two are about to get married (congratulations!), and if that’s going to work, then you need to be able to have a rational, frank conversation about what each of you wants, needs and expects.

  10. in love with tow men and a girl said,

    I must say I am amazed that I am not the only one that has a relationship like this. Me and my husband has always been a little freaky. We have been together since we were 16 and at 19 I made a small comment about other people and then tried it with our best friends. It was fun as a one night thing and then once in a long while I would bring my best friend home and vice versa. Then we had a couple thing with our best friends. After about 7 years of not doing anything like this we met a couple who became our best friends. About 3 years ago we started to just fool around and over the past year we have all fell in love. We all love each other and we both have kids about the same age 18, 13 and 7. Our 18 year olds are aware as they have seen us kissing and our friends can tell just being around us. We try to not make it public but it is obvious. We are like one big happy family. Our younger ones think we are just such great friends or this is just normal to them now. I can tell you we all have our jealous moments and that we fight like cats and dogs sometimes but we truly love each other that after a day we are already missing each other. My best friend is the and my husbands best friend is the female and we have all fell in love with our best friends. Its awesome and hard at the same time. It is truly not easy but it is so worth it at the same time. I could not imagine my life without them as just three days away makes all our hearts sad. I only wish it was as easy as a regular family. However it is not. We do switch houses at night on a Saturday without the kids knowing and it is fantastic. The sex, the cuddling, the emotions and the time with our best friends ( opposite sex so we don’t get that time together). OUr kids have two moms and two dads that are great in so many different ways. I know this is not normal but its normal for me and we are very happy. I am a Christian woman and sometimes its hard for me to grasp but it is my true heart.

    In love with two men and a girl.

    • Kathleen said,

      That sounds like a beautiful relationship you all have. Thank you for sharing it with me! ❤

    • Brittany said,

      Hi, I was extremely relieved to discover this website, and I have many questions. My story is a bit different. There have never been any sexual activities between us and our couple friends but we have been very close with each other Always. We go above and beyond the normal boundaries of friendship and often switch off parenting and household chores, seeing and involving ourselves with each others daily lives. There has been a major connection here for many years. So much so that I am nearly as attached to their children as my own. The only sexual part of this has ways been between me and our male friend, but it was suppressed, and denied, although it’s always been kind of noticed and occasionally commented on by our partners, who have never had those kind of “sparks”. It was never acted on. Recently, though, myself and our male friend nearly destroyed our “family” as well as our individual relationships in a heated moment. There had been random talks of a foursome, completely in a joking manner on our partners’ part, that had stirred up our unexpressed attraction. Suddenly I am getting phone calls and texts from him much more frequently than usual between us two, he isn’t much of a phone person, and little jokes that were considered taboo by our partners were cropping up whenever we had moments alone. Then one day when I was at work he began sexting me. I messaged back, until we crossed a major line with a picture message and then I stopped, and was appalled at my lack of restraint. His long term girlfriend is my best friend and a major piece of my life. Afraid to upset the balance of our family further, I deleted the messages and decided to have a discussion in person with him about that kind of thing never happening again. Only he didn’t delete his messages and his gf discovered them. I was devastated and assumed that would be the end of our long standing family friendship. However, she shocked me by trying to fix things between us. She is still hurt and upset by what happened and we are not allowed alone at any time. But other than that our family is once again back to the closeness and sharing of responsibilities that we have always had. Part of me wonders if something like what you have would be possible between us, as it is very obvious that there is a lot of love between the four of us if we are able to move past this. So my question would be how did your couple relationship start? Were you friends first or did you enter into it expecting a relationship? And any advice as to my situation would be welcomed!

  11. Petra Spahr said,

    Hi! We are a married couple that is poly, so we have some experience. Hubby has a gf and I a bf, both of which are exclusive to us alone; I think that’s called a “Z” relationship. Anyway, the comment “what if one lady wanted to be with a certain man that night and he wanted to be with another? Wouldn’t that be a stressful/tense/emotionally volatile situation?” caught my attention. The answer is simple, as in any relationship – be generous and deferential to you partners’ wishes and desires. You will get more back than you give. Even the act of letting hubby be with Clair (his gf) when I want him just increases the intensity and pleasure of being with him (or sometimes her) afterwards. Happy adventures.

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