May 3, 2008

Responding to a Comment

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 6:18 am by Kathleen

I’m sorry…I’m not trying to judge but trying to understand.

My husband and I have been together nearly 8 years, married for almost 2. And this kind of marriage that you and your husband have…is just so bizarre to me. Sure, I’ve heard of polygamy, but that seems very different from what you have. Not right, but different. In those marriages it doesn’t seem the women have much choice or authority. They just submit to their husband and let him marry as many women as he wants.

That has been my impression of it, but I have never seen a polygamist marriage first hand, so I couldn’t say. In general, I would say that polygamy is also about male authority or superiority.

You and your husband have an open relationship. And in this post you talk about an emotional connection with someone from the opposite sex outside of your marriage.

I would think that would be worse than just plain sex. Much worse. Why would you want your husband…or yourself…to seek someone else to talk to when he’s upset or scared or worried or depressed?

Although there are people he could go to when he feels these things, he comes to me. Having a girlfriend doesn’t automatically mean that he rushes to her arms whenever something is unhappy on the home front. In fact, one of the best parts of our marriage is the ability to communicate so well with each other no matter what we are feeling.

Don’t YOU want to have that special connection with him?

I do want that, and I have it.

And what makes your marriage a marriage if you’re sharing each other with others? Marriages are sacred. Why even bother to marry if you’re going to have intimiate relationships with others outside the marriage?

We were actually married before the idea of polyamory crept into our heads as a legitimate one. We had poly friends (Becky and her family), but neither of us “got it” at the time, and were probably just as convinced as you are right now that it was an insane way to live. It probably is, actually, a little insane, but I am happy with it, and have learned a lot about myself and my husband.

I married my husband to commit to him for life. I will put his needs first, I will raise our children, I will share our home and we will walk the path of life together. A girlfriend might last a lifetime, but not usually. Other men or women might come and go, but there is no one that I would rather share my days with than my husband… it just so happens that when I DO spend time with others, we are more open about how that time can be spent.

You say marriages are sacred… does it affect your opinion of MY marriage if I tell you that I was married by a Wiccan priestess in Native American regalia? My thoughts on this are somewhat scattered, so I apologize if I seem to be rambling… poly, for us, is not about the sex, it is about the trust that we have in each other to be able to have a friendship or an intimate relationship and still know who, to us, comes first.

May I ask what your religious beliefs are?

You may! We are both pagan. We both found Wicca in our teens, and have both sort of evolved into our own similar beliefs over time. I no longer classify mine as Wiccan, and neither does he, but it is similar enough to give you a good idea.

I’m just…curious. I’m not trying to be rude or mean, and I hope that my comment isn’t coming across that way. I’m just trying to understand what your thoughts are.

And from what I’ve read on your blog and through your comments, your husband seems much more into this than you are. I hope that you’re truly happy.

You haven’t been rude, you just don’t understand, and that is find and normal. The fact that you were willing to politely write me and talk about it makes me quite happy. I am here on this blog to publicly air and defend my life choices in this area so that people might gain a little more understanding.

My husband was more into Becky than I was. As far as poly goes, I think we could both close the marriage tomorrow and be happy with that. Neither of us is seeing anyone at the moment, but I am the only one that is actively looking for someone else (mostly out of curiosity on my part, I think).

I hope that I’ve helped, but I know that I rabmled on some, so please ask away some more if you have any other questions!

Blessings,

Kathleen

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2 Comments »

  1. rosemerry said,

    You do really well with your blog and answering people’s questions. I’m sure you get quite a few rude and uncalled for posters here. Just wanted to say I enjoy reading your blog.

  2. T said,

    “Sure, I’ve heard of polygamy, but that seems very different from what you have.”

    polygamy and polyamory are 2 different things.

    polygamy is having more than one spouse
    polyamory is loving more than one person


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