May 9, 2008

Dealing with Hate

Posted in Becky tagged , , , , , at 7:38 am by Kathleen

I’m doing the blog chain again, and this time FreshHell wrote about getting the last laugh on someone that she didn’t like when that woman died.  I really can’t say I agree with the sentiments that she expressed, although I recognize a few of them.  In the friend that she mentioned I see jealousy, cruelty, and competitiveness, and in the writer I see anger, hate, and smugness.  The whole episode seems so sad… it’s something that I could see  happening with my feelings toward Becky.

I have been working so hard for weeks now – months, actually – to clear my feelings toward her.  I don’t have to be her best friend, but something happened between Becky and I that I saw as betrayal, just like the previous poster felt betrayed.  Instead of internalizing that, though, and letting it be a scar on my soul, I am constantly picking at that wound and (gross image) squeezing the hateful pus out.  Sure, it hurts, and it is not even close to “fun”, but it will, in the long run, feel better.

I’ve been tangled up in hate before, and the thing is, that person controls you in some way for the rest of your life.  This woman from the previous post is dead, and yet the poster can’t get over her and is still reacting to the mere mention of her name with anger and violent thoughts.  I’ve felt that before, and I didn’t like it.  The person that I felt that for means almost nothing to me now.  He was an ex boyfriend who was abusive and cruel, and my only feelings toward him now are faint gratitude for helping me to understand what abuse looks like so that I will never go there again.  That’s it.

Of course, getting there took years and a lot of work.  That is why I try so hard to think of Becky, if not in a positive light, then at least in a neutral one.

I was talking to Michael again about the potential of his dating her one day, and I kicked over the excuses that I normally bring up in my mind to blame her for everything (by the way, I started this conversation, it wasn’t him asking for permission or something).  I took a hard look at myself and told him that I feel threatened.  I think that this is the first time I have blamed him for anything, but when I really thought about it, it wasn’t Becky that scared me, it was that she did something that I saw as terrible and he still cares for her.  I got the reassurance I needed, and maybe I picked at that wound for the last time.  Maybe it can finally heal clean.

Check out the rest of the blog chain below, and as usual, thank you so much for reading.



Auria Cortes

Life in Scribbletown

Polyamory From the Inside Out

For the First Time

Family On Bikes

Writes in the City

Elf Killing and Other Hobbies

Rotating Bear

Fantastical Imagination

Asian Business

Spittin’ (Out Words) Like a Llama

As Yet Untitled

Mad Scientist Matt’s Lair





  1. I must admit that I myself can hold a really “nice” grudge. I don’t try to, but it’s possible. Like you, I try to think of those I’ve had a falling out with in at least a neutral light, but sometimes I can’t reconcile myself with it when someone has hurt me. Something I work on for myself, though. I am trying. Thanks for the post 🙂

  2. freshhell said,

    Interesting twist. I wouldn’t say I hold a lot of anger for her anymore, but I did feel betrayed because I’d once trusted her, we shared secrets, and then she turned on me. And the door was slammed in my face and there was no real closure. I think though that if we’re not honest with our feelings, it’s worse than ignoring we have those petty, childish thoughts. So there’s merit to picking the scab – as long as it’s moving you in the right direction. Eventually it’s got to be left alone to heal.

  3. Kathleen said,

    I think you’re right about that, Freshhell. When someone leaves us there is a wound, but when someone leaves us angry, there is an infection. I don’t think poorly of you at all, but I do see the benefit for me, at least, of keeping that wound open until the infection is cleared out.

  4. WendyCinNYC said,

    It’s the lack of closure part that makes it tough to reconcile old wounds. Plus, at least what I can glean from freshhell’s post, she was reminded of this woman even after she was out of her life. I had an old boyfriend show up on my TV screen once and it felt like such an intrusion. Like he was right there, prying into my living room. Go away! Click.

  5. Razib Ahmed said,

    When I dislike anyone I try to finish the relationship as soon as possible. I even do not try to see the shadow of him/her anymore. It is not possible all the time but I give it a try. Well, in the past, I was afraid of being alone but now, I realize that the best way to make sure that I do not come alone is not to be afraid of it.

  6. Kathleen said,

    I would love to be able to cut Becky out of my life and forget about her, but she belongs to my coven, knows some of the people that I am about to start socializing with, and is friends with my husband. I’m pretty much stuck with her, and I have learned, I think, to be okay with that.

  7. Anita Wagner said,

    I’m not really up to speed on the details of your falling out, but I believe that smugness and satsifaction as a result of the death of someone one at least once considered a friend is very telling about a person’s character and generosity of spirit, or lack thereof.

    Sadly, the biggest betrayals in my life by those I considered friends and even family were the ones who condemned me when I came out to them as polyamorous. Today my family is mostly intentional and my friends are the ones who accept me as I am.

  8. Kathleen said,

    So we’re clear, I was not talking about myself when I talked about someone’s ex-friend passing.

  9. Closure is a good thing. Hate is a bad thing. And, somewhere in-between is where many things lie. (I’m not sure if that’s right, but it’s what came out.)

  10. livininsanity said,

    I noticed the link on my name is wrong… and I think it should be fixed now…

  11. I might have missed this since I’m a recent convert to your blog, but I’d like to know a bit more about your relationship in general. Do you have a blog post somewhere that I can read that kind of explains the whole basis of this polyamory thing?

    I’m another one confused about the situation with Becky, but I”ve been there where I’ve held a grudge – not often, but I’ve been there and I hated being there!

  12. Kathleen said,

    Weeeeeeell, this is kind of the start of it all… our poly journey is spread out through a handful of posts. If you have any questions, however, I would love to answer them for you. 🙂

  13. All I get with that link is your log-in page. Can you tell me the title of the post so I can search for it?

  14. Donna said,

    I’ve certainly held grudges and still kind of do. More often than not, though, I just sneer my way through it. Such things are consuming and they can be dangerous to your psyche. I had a friend that did a complete 180 on me, pulled a 180 back again, acted like nothing happened and then was shocked when the same thing happened to her with one of her friends. Karma, anyone? I feign interested with this girl but I’m more passive about it. I’d just rather not waste my time.

  15. Auria Cortes said,

    I’m very quick to dismiss people from my life, but that doesn’t mean I hold grudges.

  16. Elrena said,

    “My only feelings toward him now are faint gratitude for helping me to understand what abuse looks like so that I will never go there again…”

    I’m so sorry that you had to go through that, but I’m glad for you that you’ll never find yourself in a place like that again. What a wonderful way to redeem a bad situation, and move on with strength and grace! Kudos.

  17. Like Auria, I dismiss people from my life and stop associating with them, but it has far less to do with holding grudges and much more to do with not wasting my time with people who are not worth my time and protecting myself from future harm.

  18. Grudges can definitely be painful. But I agree with Laurie – even if you do forgive a person, that doesn’t always mean you forget what they are capable of, or have a need to continue to be with them.

  19. Snowflake said,

    I’m someone that forgives easily. It’s one of my flaws, because it means you can easily, re-hurt me and then re-re-hurt me again and I’m too stupid to realise that I should finally stop forgiving you.

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