May 19, 2008

Being Poly is like being Gay?

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 8:59 am by Kathleen

I was on a forum where a man asked when the rest of the poly group “realized” that they were poly, as if it is something that is always there just waiting for you to discover it.  I didn’t care for the question.

Are you predetermined to be poly?  I don’t know if some people are, but I am sure that I am/was not.  There are people that I have heard of that are unable or unwilling to a single person from the moment you start dating.  Some of these people cheat, while other give monogamy a try and still others end up in a poly situation, in which they date around and make sure that each partner knows that they are not an exclusive couple.

I, on the other hand, have never been tempted to cheat.  It never occurred to me that I would be anything but happily married in the future when I was younger, and I was looking for long term from the moment that I started dating.  I was never jealous about hugs and such, but if I saw one of my partners getting closer (snuggling up on a couch with other women, maybe), I felt jealousy, even if I didn’t express it.  I would feel possessive and not show it.  I did get clingy, which can get annoying for other people.

Anyway, it was probably a combination of trying to work on that and emotional masochism that started me on this poly journey, and while I don’t regret it, I also do not feel that I was “born to be poly”.  Still, I don’t think I would take it back.





  1. Jerry said,

    While you may have come upon a decision to explore and expand your horizons, I am of the belief that, personally, I -was- in fact poly long before my very first relationship.

    I can’t say for certain if I was born with a predisposition, or if it was a result of some kind of stimulus or training (or counter-training, as my parents are staunch Catholics and would not approve).

    I -can- say that, for as long as I have had romantic attachments, I have had an almost magnetic attraction to others. It’s not the ‘itch’ – the sensation some people speak of that leads them to cheat – it was simply that I connected with another woman, and she with me, and regardless of my honesty over my current relationship, I found myself in love with her. Obviously, as a young man, this was awkward and I was told that I shouldn’t allow myself to feel this way. Sounds an awful lot like being outted, doesn’t it? It was an organic, natural progression, and once I fled the nest, and got to know myself, and did some personal growth, I recognized that this was simply a part of who I am, and while I believe I could successfully maintain a monogamous relationship for the rest of my life with my wonderful wife, it would likely feel forever as though something was missing – even if it’s just the knowledge that I am free to make the decisions that make me happy. I may never act on that freedom, but it’s there.

    Born with? I dunno. Who really could know? Monogamy is a taught disposition, so is racism. It comes down to whether you wish to believe that we really are societal blank slates at birth, and any parts of our personalities really are affected in myriad and tiny ways through our developing years.

  2. livininsanity said,

    I think you could be born of poly mentality and not be born of poly mentality. Personally, I’ve found that I was born with lots of mentalities that are not mine. Obviously, they were genetically passed to me, but, for the most part, my job is to get past them. In other words, end any assumptions that they have anything to do with me whatsoever and figure out what does. In other words, I am nothing like the preconceptions I was born with… and continue to change a lot.

  3. I think with a lot things, including but not excluded to relationships, you are born with certain inclinations but then you can also choose or not choose to act on those inclinations. Maybe it’s a combo of both. Who knows; I’m no expert. 🙂

  4. polyguy said,


    I started to comment on your post but had already planned to (maybe) write something about this myself so, if you would, read my “way too long for the comments section” response here.

  5. polyguy said,

    woops, no link!

  6. Corey Kaster said,

    I have started a blog on the subject as well.

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