May 22, 2008

“Fan” Mail

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 9:21 am by Kathleen

I’m inclined to agree with Polyguy here on the basis that if, as you posit, you are learning polyamory as opposed to having been born with such an inclination, it could be said that you are not actually Poly until you have had a poly experience and dealt with it in the expected productive manner.

First, I don’t recall Polyguy saying that.  Second… having my husband have a girlfriend isn’t a poly experience?  I think I dealt very well with that.  I also went on a date a couple of weeks ago, and even though it didn’t culminate in sex, well, who says that it has to?  You can be poly without sex.  And what is productive, anyway?  If a triad breaks up after a couple of years in an explosive and emotional way (highly unproductive, I would think) does that make them no longer poly because they screwed up?  For that matter, do you “flunk out” of monogamy because you get a divorce?

In the same way that I can begin the process of apprenticing to be a carpenter, I cannot justifiably call myself a carpenter until I have made it through my training process and have gone ahead with a project as the lead.

So poly is a trade, then, and not a life choice?  How interesting!  Do I have to apprentice to be monogamous, too?  And if you’re born with poly wiring, then who apprentices you when you first start dating around?  Do single people not get to call themselves monogamous because they aren’t in a relationship?  This doesn’t sound like a very well thought out argument.

Kathleen, please understand that I’ve drawn many fine points from your blog.

Thank you.

You’re well read and baldly honest about how you present your feelings on the topic. This comment is not meant to belittle your strides towards such an honest and open-minded relationship with your husband.

And yet somehow it does anyway…  Why do people who offend you always say “No offense, but…”?  If it sounds belittling to you, it just might BE.

It’s meant to gently remind you to check where you stand.

Well thanks.  When did I assign you that duty?

It’s impossible to take the road of “I wasn’t born poly, I’m learning it,” and yet claim the title and the lifestyle as your own without having actually practiced it yourself.

Again, then, can I call myself monogamous if I’m single?  Hell, can I call myself bisexual if I’m a girl dating a guy right now?  While I disagree that it is “impossible” to claim something before you experience it, I also think that I HAVE experienced poly, and pretty darn closely, too.  My husband had sex with his girlfriend while I was upstairs, remember?

Sometimes, depending on the day and what you have to say, it almost seems as though you desire a mostly monogamous relationship with your husband, but with the perceived freedom to express yourself openly to others.

Well, yes, some days I do wish I could have him all to myself.  That’s part of the learning process.  Something that we are taught as writers is that from the moment you set words to a page, you are a writer.  You don’t have to be good, you don’t have to be published, you just have to try.

And guess what?  I’m trying.  I am meeting new people, I have been on a date, and I have been dealing with my husband going through the same.  My husband is my primary and the love of my life, but I am open to having other loves and other relationships.  So how does that make me less poly?  Because I don’t want to throw my marriage away, or only because I hold my marriage above other relationships?  I realize that is not quite what you’ve said, but it is implied.  Perceived freedom?  I don’t even know what you mean by that.




  1. cydira said,

    “Sometimes, depending on the day and what you have to say, it almost seems as though you desire a mostly monogamous relationship with your husband, but with the perceived freedom to express yourself openly to others.”


    It may just be *my* opinion and such, but that strikes me as horribly demeaning. Is it just me or are there people out in the world who seem to feel that they can dictate the emotions and thoughts of others, thus divining the “true intentions” from the words of the original post on the basis of their subjective interpretation?

    Kathleen, you handled that with a lot more grace then I think I could have. Kudos to you!!

    Wow, I’m still pretty burned up by the “perceived freedom” part. I’ll apologize if my next statement offends, but I can’t think of a way to say it with out this little bit of vulgarity in it:

    Who the fuck died and gave that person the right to decide what another person wants or just what exactly they ‘really’ mean?

    Sheesh! Words have precise meanings! 😡

  2. Sarah said,

    hi! Just wanted to Comment and say – good for you. Do what makes you happy. I have a lot of respect for someone who decides what they want, and do it. regardless of other people.

    great blog!

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