June 11, 2008


Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 9:20 am by Kathleen

Simple title, I know… I am writing for the blog chain again, and I am following a post about a line of abstinence pants released by KMart. What a terrible idea that is… Tomorrow I will reply to a wonderful comment left on my negotiation post, because it deserves a whole blog, but I need to keep the chain moving for now. On to sex!

Sex is a wonderful and natural thing, and while I don’t think that most teens are ready for it, I do realize that it is becoming a very normal form of high school activity, and even if vaginal sex is on the decline, things like oral and even anal are not so much. They don’t want to get pregnant, but they want to have their fun!

I personally believe that sex before marriage is really important. When I was 17 I discussed this with my father, and he was actually shocked at my reasonable and intelligent argument for (and no, I was not having sex at the time).

Sex is an important part of a couple’s life. I’m sorry if you feel differently, but it is. Would you buy a car without test driving it? Would you buy a house after only having seen the exterior, or do you walk through the building flushing toilets and opening doors? A couple should be at least somewhat sexually compatible. I may just be saying that because my sex drive would shame a bunny rabbit, but I certainly want to get some more than a couple times a month!

Backing off from TMI… I would be equally frustrated if my husband wanted sex a lot and I didn’t. I’ve also heard of couples who are simple physically incompatible. The guy is just TOO BIG (or too small?) for the woman, who either can’t feel anything or can’t take the pain. Wouldn’t you like to know that about your spouse BEFORE you are legally and spiritually bound?

Sex in high school… not such a good idea. Sex before marriage? Sure. Absolutely. And sex with others while you are married? Well, we’ll see. 😉



colbymarshall1 with Spittin’ (out words) Like a Llama
WildScribe with Polyamory
FreshHell with Life in Scribbletwon
Polenth with Polenth’s Quill
escritora with Auria Cortes
misslissy with Blog in a Suitcase
Forbidden Snowflake with Delirious
razibahmed with Asian Business
Bookdragonette with If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
mamawriter with As Yet Untitled
rosemerry with Puttin’ Words on Paper
chan with Fumbling with Fiction
soma with Rotating Bear
harry3tspy with spynotes
wordsmyth with Virtual Wordsmith



  1. Auria Cortes said,

    “And sex with others while you are married? Well, we’ll see.”

    LOL…that cracked me up.

    “The guy is just TOO BIG (or too small?)”

    Size matters. Why do people say otherwise?

  2. bookdragonette said,

    ‘Size matters. Why do people say otherwise?’ Because it’s the correct thing to say? I can’t say, I have no complaints in that area.

    Would bad sex really be a big deal-breaker?

  3. Kathleen said,

    Not correct, polite, but not necessarily true.

    I would have a lot of frustration and possibly resentment being married to someone who was terribly sexually incompatible with me. Deal breaker? I don’t know. I’ve never run across that situation and had to decide. Honestly, my husband is wonderful in bed. 🙂

  4. Razib Ahmed said,

    In South Asia, things are much different.

  5. Auria Cortes said,

    “Would bad sex really be a big deal-breaker?”

    Speaking for myself, yes. Even a bad kisser is a deal-breaker.

  6. freshhell said,

    Whew! I don’t know quite how I”m going to follow that! Not that I don’t agree with you that compatibility is important, because it is.

  7. I agree that bad sex might be a deal breaker. I mean, if it’s bad, you probably won’t want to do it, and to me, that wouldn’t be a marriage I’d want to be in.

  8. rosemerry said,

    You make good points. I’ll definitely be thinking about it.

    Okay call me naive butt how can it be too big. I mean babies come out of there. And a baby’s head is ya know way bigger than a guy’s head. If you know what I mean.

  9. rosemerry: Because childbirth isn’t supposed to feel good.

    As far as sexual incompatability as a deal breaker, I very much doubt that I or my partner would ever view it as such. Of course, she and I were initially attracted to each other because of our mutually phenomenal misanthropy, so I’m sure it must be different for people who actually like people.

  10. polyguy said,

    My girlfriend is very small and there is only one position, that we’ve found, where we can enjoy sex without her being in constant pain. That’s how it can be too big. Imagine the scene, she and I in the basic missionary position, and the wonderful sounds of sex… “ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow”

    Not very sexy, is it?

    Good thing, for me, that sex isn’t the basis of our relationship.

    While I agree that sexual incompatibility can be a deal breaker I don’t, personally, enjoy our relationship because of the sex. I enjoy the sex, don’t get me wrong, but I would still love her madly if something happened and we were no longer able to have sex. I don’t know, maybe some freak industrial accident causes her vagina to seal shut and we can no longer enjoy penis to vaginal penetration. Anal is completely out of the question so we’d be left with hand jobs and the occasional blow job. And damned if I can’t seem to actually enjoy a blow job (that admission might get my “man card” revoked).

    For me, though, there’s nothing that compares to the feeling of just holding her and my wife close to me, feeling their skin against my skin, and being able to just forget the rest of the world for a while.

  11. Kathleen said,


    As someone who has given birth within the last year, I can tell you that I certainly would NOT want to feel that way every time I have sex 😉

    When you’re in labor you are practically drowning in endorphins and other feel-good chemicals to mute the pain and it is still incredibly intense, although I don’t think it was as painful as most women tell you. There was also lots of blood and some tearing that made it painful to pee for a couple weeks. Also not my idea of good sex.

    A man’s penis can also be too long, and when your cervix is not dilated for childbirth, it doesn’t like being rammed into.

    Sex is not the basis for my relationship with my husband, although we both love it, and I doubt it would have been a deal-breaker to begin with considering that a) we were both virgins at the time and b) we were both madly in love.

    But CAN miserable sex be a deal breaker? I argue yes.

  12. Tim said,

    I would agree that miserable sex can be a deal breaker, but I don’t think it has to be.

    Regarding sex drive, people’s sex drive changes over time. What might be compatible in the first few years of marriage might be incompatible later, but there are plenty of ways around that if a couple is committed enough. As you get to know each other, you learn what turns the other on and can take advantage of that. Or there’s also hormone therapy or even alternative lifestyles do the trick for some. I know one couple that never had sex with each other but still had a very successful marriage by fulfilling that need through other partners. They said that their romance transcended the physical.

    Physical problems, again, can be overcome. We have all kinds of great surgeries today; a surgeon can sculpt all sorts of wonderful things with our penises and vaginas.

    Anyway, my point is that sex before marriage is not really that important; only the commitment is. After all, unlike buying a car, there is a lifetime return policy on marriage. The important thing is to manage expectations and be prepared to put some work in if you run into any unpleasant surprises, which are sure to come up in any marriage whether they be sexual or otherwise.

  13. Kathleen said,

    Thanks for sharing, Tim!

    What I am saying in my posts is how I feel, and not necessarily what I see as a universal truth. For myself, sex before marriage was something that I saw as important, and perhaps even necessary, not sleeping around, but with my committed partner.

    My husband and I have a great sex life, and we are a committed and happy pair… no vagina sculpting necessary.

  14. Adrienne said,

    Check out the 10 minute trailer of Birth As We Know It http://www.birthasweknowit.com/trailer.html
    One woman orgasms while she is birthing.
    Also, some women enjoy their cervix being rammed into during sex.
    I’m not arguing that a penis couldn’t be too big or too small for a particular woman’s ultimate enjoyment, or many the sex just isn’t great for whatever reason– but so what if you are poly? I mean, maybe it would be undesirable and I do I believe sex is extremely important but if you love someone that you don’t have great sex with, why not simply stay open to finding another partner you do have great sex with? It may be nice to have great sex with all your partners but love and frienship is nothing to discard lightly. In a monogamous relationship, sure, being held hostage to lousy sex with only one partner–now that sounds like a more reasonable deal breaker to me.

  15. Kathleen said,

    Specifically, I was referencing sex before marriage. I don’t mind not having sex with poly partners, but sex with my husband is rather an important part of our relationship (for me) and one way in which we are very frequently intimate with each other.

    Also, we were married before either of us even had half a thought about poly.

  16. Adrienne said,

    Well yes, again, I can certainly see “less than great sex” being a deal breaker for monogamous couples. But then, that’s one of the beauties about poly huh, not having to rely on one partner to meet all of our needs. I’ve often heard monogamous people talk about “settling” (or not settling) for that less that perfect partner–but with polyamory, I think it’s perhaps a bit easier to just allow people to be who they are and to let the relationship evolve naturally, not having to set one’s sights so much on whether this person is suitable for marriage for not. I realize that poly people are still out there looking for the perfect primary but still, the less than perfect partner doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.

  17. Snowflake said,

    I agree with you. It’s really important to have sex before marriage. Even though sex won’t be the most important thing in marriage, it will be of great importance and if you don’t know if you’re compatible you could get really really disappointed.

  18. Mada said,

    I agree with you! I don’t know if it would be a dealbreaker, but I would want to figure that out before.

  19. Elrena said,

    Wow, interesting post…although I have to confess, I, too, am glad we detoured from the topic before the blog chain got to me! 🙂

  20. Kathleen said,

    TOTALLY not my fault. 🙂

  21. Mary Lewis said,

    I agree that sexual compatibility is of extreme importance in a marriage. But, I also know couples who rarely have sex and their marriage is good. To each their own, I guess.

  22. Kathleen said,

    And if they both like very little sex, then that makes them sexually compatible. If he wants it all the time and she doesn’t, then they are not.

    People assume that sexual compatibility means that both of the people have to have a high sex drive. It actually just means that they have to have a SIMILAR sex drive, and no drive, well, if neither of them have a drive at all, then that works, too.

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