June 12, 2008

Am I Poly for Michael?

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 8:27 am by Kathleen

Jason asks:

Kathleen,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while after I stumbled on it. I have a simple question that I don’t understand and it’s ok if you don’t answer it. I was wondering if you really believe you are Poly or if you are just doing this and trying to convince yourself you are, so you don’t lose your husband. I haven’t read all of your post but it seems you have lots of doubts about dating another guy (or woman) because you feel that you woldn’t be able to give all to your husband. Are you doing this just to satisfy your husbands wants of dating more than one woman?

Thank you for answering! The very short answer is: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Allow me to explain. 😉 Since you say that you read back all the way to the beginning, you know that I was actually the instigating and driving force behind poly. It makes sense to assume that I was doing it out of fear, but that is far from the case. In reality, I think a mixture of things drove me and still do. One thing is emotional masochism; poly is painful for me sometimes, but in a safe way. I trust my husband and I know that I come first for him, not because I ask him to put me first but because that is how he feels.

Another is growth. I’ve always felt jealousy to some extent, even when I did not act on it. I have never liked that about myself, so poly was a good way to place myself in an environment where I had to really closely examine my own jealousy and motivations and reason through them so that I could feel better.

Another motivation was my husband. Not fear of losing him, but sadness at his sadness when our first date with Becky did not work out for me and I wanted out. I wanted to make him happy, and poly was one way to do that. I was and am willing to do it for him; I am not afraid that he will leave me if I change my mind. He won’t.

I do this for myself as much as for Michael. I want to be able to have this level of trust and to show him and myself that we are strong enough to live though anything. And I really do hold out hope that there is a halfway decent and loving person out there for me to experience. In fact, I may have found a good one in Red.

Blessings and Thanks!

~Kathleen

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