June 13, 2008

Taking Ownership of Something that I don’t Own

Posted in Becky tagged , , , , at 1:43 pm by Kathleen

When someone that you love is trying to do something that makes them happy, you want to do things to help, right? If your lover takes up basketball, wouldn’t you buy them a new ball or encourage them to practice? So when a lover takes up a new lover, it just might be instinct for some people – people like myself – to want to help with that, too.

I did a lot for Michael and Becky. I was generous with our time, even allowing her to come visit him on our anniversary weekend. I talked to her almost every day online and shared the inside information on him and his feelings to help her feel close to him when she lived several hours away, and I even arranged for her to come down and surprise him one day.

But I realize now that by engaging myself in such a way, I was taking ownership in a relationship that should have had little to nothing to do with me. Sure, I should be nice to girls that my husband dates, but my biggest fear then was that if we failed at this poly thing, it would be MY FAULT. Therefore, I did everything I could to make sure that I was helping.

This was fine for them, but it ended up leaving me feeling extremely hurt and confused when Becky had some personal issues and ended the relationship. It certainly has given me a lot to think about. From now on, I will not try to be best friends with my husband’s girlfriends. I will be friendly, I will be polite, and I will even help her or answer questions if I am called on… but it will not be my relationship, and I will remember that.

Always good to find these kinds of things out early. I very rarely repeat mistakes.




  1. rosemerry said,

    So what if you found what is that word, a unicorn ( I think). And the three of you decided to live together. Would you try and be best friends then? Not saying it is Becky but if you found someone like that.

    It does make sense to not be best friends with the other girl. I see it as a way to protect yourself emotionally.

  2. Kathleen said,

    Good point! THAT is actually a whole different animal. “Finding a unicorn” (yes, that’s the right word) implies that WE find a partner. I am open to dating the same woman as my husband, although it hasn’t worked out yet. In that case, I wouldn’t be meddling in their relationship, I would be having a relationship, too.

    I really, really do not see us ever living with anyone that we are not both involved with. That’s just not how we work, I guess.


  3. rosemerry said,

    Woohoo! I remembered.

    There is this book called “The History of Marriage” I can’t find it right now. But it does cover early Mormonism when they were still polygamous. I know it’s not the same as polyamorous but they do have a couple of entries from a woman who had to live with the rest of her husbands wives. It’s very interesting reading. Because the women were okay with it and didn’t see it as a negative thing.

  4. Kathleen said,

    Right… if you’re raised with something it becomes normal. I would probably have issues with that. 🙂

  5. I have to agree with rosemerry. Protecting yourself emotionally should be concern #1 and it seems like maybe you brushed that need aside in order to make things better for him. It’s admirable but not ideal. Oddly enough, I see myself behaving identically to you. I hope he appreciates it!

  6. Kathleen said,

    Thank you, Duckling… You’re both right, of course.

    I was so scared that I would screw something up that I became a facilitator instead, and put my heart on the line. I think I understand, now, how to be kind and supportive without baring myself for the blade.

    And he does appreciate it, although he doesn’t approve. He wants me to be happy, not a wreck if a relationship of his ends! 🙂

  7. polybat said,

    I would like for my lovers to be good friends, even best friends. That way we’re happy and caring for each other and there’s love from every direction. That would be my ideal.

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