June 14, 2008


Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 3:41 pm by Kathleen

In this post I am referencing a comment that was made in a conversation in the “Sex” post, so if you have not read those comments, please go back and do – this will probable make much more sense that way!

Adrienne writes:
Well yes, again, I can certainly see “less than great sex” being a deal breaker for monogamous couples. But then, that’s one of the beauties about poly huh, not having to rely on one partner to meet all of our needs. I’ve often heard monogamous people talk about “settling” (or not settling) for that less that perfect partner–but with polyamory, I think it’s perhaps a bit easier to just allow people to be who they are and to let the relationship evolve naturally, not having to set one’s sights so much on whether this person is suitable for marriage for not. I realize that poly people are still out there looking for the perfect primary but still, the less than perfect partner doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.

We are coming from very different directions on this topic.

There are two kinds of “settle” that I think of when I think of marriage.  One is settling for less than you deserve.  That’s a bad thing, I think.  ((PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS BLOG AS A WHOLE IS JUST MY OPINION)).  The other kind of settle that I think of is settling down with someone.  Some people just are not made for “settling down”.  I am.  Some of the most important parts of growing up, for me, were getting married and having kids.  Not because I felt that I have to, but because it was and is absolutely what I wanted.

Poly can mean just about anything, from a “fi” triad to a “single” person who has a different playmate for every day of the month.  IN MY LIFE, the most important thing for me is my husband, followed quickly by my family, which includes our son.  NO ONE ELSE will be making babies with either of us.  NO ONE ELSE will be replacing sex for either of us (for example, I would never go out and find a guy to sleep with and stop sleeping with Michael), and NO ONE ELSE, that I can imagine, will ever have the same place and importance in our lives that the other does.

From your point of view, sex is no big deal.  I can’t sleep with A, fine, I’ll just sleep with B.  But poly is not the core of my life.  Poly is a small part of my life, and my family, especially my husband, is at the core.  If I was a poly person who happened to be married, then things might be different.  As things stand, I am a married woman who happens to be poly; sex with my husband is extremely important because HE is extremely important.

A less than perfect partner would not be a deal breaker.  A less than perfect husband would be. Luckily, I found the perfect man for me.
Blessings and Thanks!




  1. Giselle said,

    what do you mean by saying that poly is a small part of your life?
    I agree with you when you say “settling down” ..
    but I had been searching for the right guy all my life I guess… and finally, I have found him.. He complements me in everyway and is so understanding.. Sometimes I wonder what great deed I did for him to have come into my life…
    But, Im so thankful to Gos for him who is going to be my husband in less than a month 🙂


  2. Kathleen said,

    I mean that although being poly is becoming a part of who I am, it is not nearly the most important thing. I don’t devote my time to seeking out partners, I don’t spend all of my free time with a partner (although that is at least partially because I am not dating anyone other than my husband), and I could pretty easily let it go and be monogamous if my husband asked me to.

    I found the “right guy”, too, and now we’re exploring what a deep and intimate trust can do, and where it can take us.

  3. Giselle said,

    so ur husband is everything to you.. thats about it right.. ?
    i had been searching too. .and i found my man. .and it feels so wonderful to be with him.. every moment , i feel so lucky!!!!

  4. Auria Cortes said,

    “I found the “right guy”, too, and now we’re exploring what a deep and intimate trust can do, and where it can take us.”

    Kathleen the poly experience seems to be more than just about deep and intimiate trust because I’m sure that other married people would agrue (and I’m sure you’d agree) that couples can share a deep and intimiate trust without poly.

    You may not have the answer to the following question because sometimes feelings can’t be explained, but besides the deep and intimiate trust aspect what drew you to poly?

    And for those who are married and not in a poly relationship what activities do you participate in to achieve deep and intimiate trust?

    One thing that I find interesting about Kathleen is that she is actively seeking ways to improve upon her relationship. That’s a rare quality in any couple, poly or not. Or do those of you in a traditional marriage disagree with that assessment?

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