June 17, 2008

A Wonderful Question

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 3:17 pm by Kathleen

Kathleen the poly experience seems to be more than just about deep and intimiate trust because I’m sure that other married people would agrue (and I’m sure you’d agree) that couples can share a deep and intimiate trust without poly.

You may not have the answer to the following question because sometimes feelings can’t be explained, but besides the deep and intimiate trust aspect what drew you to poly?

And for those who are married and not in a poly relationship what activities do you participate in to achieve deep and intimiate trust?

One thing that I find interesting about Kathleen is that she is actively seeking ways to improve upon her relationship. That’s a rare quality in any couple, poly or not. Or do those of you in a traditional marriage disagree with that assessment?

As usual, Auria has presented some wonderful questions, not just for me but for the rest of my readers as well. Please do respond!! I was drawn to poly out of a desire to see my husband happy. The initial foray into a threesome was more like swinging, or at least it was supposed to be. Michael didn’t like the idea because he didn’t care for the idea of casual sex, but the emotional masochist in me still wanted to see what would happen if I set us on this course. It was a combination of that (emotional masochism) and a serious desire to both understand and hopefully better myself that got us started. It was a desire to enjoy watching Michael enjoy himself (and Becky) that allowed me to come to the decision to encourage it gracefully, and it is the wonderful feeling of trust as well as the feeling that I don’t EVER have to hide, pretend, or restrict myself when it comes to love that keeps this whole thing going for me and for us, I think.

Thank you, Auria!




  1. Auria Cortes said,

    Thanks for responding. I hope you don’t mind a follow up question. I get that you want to make Michael happy. You have also mentioned in the past that you are an S and that probably plays a role in your decision to move ahead with poly.

    However, I’m assuming that there are times when Michael desires something that you aren’t willing to do – despite the fact that it will make him happy. So putting Michael aside, what is it about poly and a relationship with another person that intrigues you?

    I realize that from your perspective when you experience a relationship outside of your marriage that will bring you and Michael closer. But I’m thinking that there must be something about the concept of a second relationship that draws you that has nothing to do with Michael.

  2. Kathleen said,

    He has asked for things that I don’t want to give, and I’ve let him know that… but I still give it.

    I have said before that I don’t think I was born “wired” to be poly. I started this for Michael and for a strange curiosity in myself as well. I continue because it has helped us and not harmed us, because I see the pain, when it happens, as teaching me a valuable lesson about myself, and because it could lead to interesting situations in a good way. I don’t feel like I need an outside relationship, and although there was a period where I really felt like I needed/wanted one, I think I have gotten past that – it was unhealthy. Perhaps I should write about that tomorrow? Let me know, and let me know if I’ve answered your question. 🙂

  3. Auria Cortes said,

    I’ll try to ask the question a different way.

    Let’s say your husband asks you to go running. You don’t want to, but you do. The activity involves only the two of you and the two of you bond. Not only do you bond, but you personally feel better and have more energy. So the benefits are more than getting closer to your husband – even though he was the motivating factor.

    When you participate in poly, there are three (possibly more) people involved. Your relationship with your gets husband is stronger. But there is another person(s) involved. A relationship that has nothing to do with Michael.

    Though indirectly your relationship with him will benefit, you are getting something from the second relationship that stands on its own merit. With that in mind, what do you expect to gain personally from a second relationship?

    And hey, maybe you don’t know. That’s cool. Through the process you may find out.

  4. Kathleen said,

    A friend. New experiences. In the case of Red, expertise in areas of kink that Michael doesn’t do or doesn’t know how to do… maybe love…

    And maybe nothing…

  5. Auria Cortes said,

    Great response, Kathleen.

    One thing that I love about the dating process is the new experiences, new conversations. People are so interesting.

  6. polyoldfart said,

    It’s interesting that so many people say they became involved with polyamory to see someone else be happy, and explore something they previously had not considered or even were aware of. There is a lot of focus on “becoming poly” for people in an existing monogamous relationship but not very much about those who recognized this was a fundamental part of their relationship model first.

    I have always needed that “deep and intimiate trust” but the difference I see is that I never had a hard dividing line on “what I do with friends” and “what I do with lovers”. There are the people I love, in many different ways, the small set I consider my chosen family. Some I’ve had romantic relationships with and others not. I’ve never had a driving need to place anyone on one side of the line or the other. The nature of any particular relationship is unique to that individual.

    Just as for someone steeped in traditional monogamy the idea of multiple romantic partners does not fit in their view of relationships, I don’t have any compelling answer other than “why not?” The number of people I am romantically involved with at any given time is irrelevant to me, I don’t have a point to prove. I’m not “less poly” or “more poly,” depending on the current configuration. All my partners, as do all my friends, bring something to my life that I cherish. I don’t want to place limits on what that can be by sticking a label on someone.

    Btw, I found your post by the tag surfer. I also have a wordpress.com blog about polyamory.

  7. Kathleen said,

    Well, since this blog is about MY experiences in poly, and since I became poly for the reasons you mentioned rather than because I was “always poly”, I’m afraid that’s the direction my blog sort of has to go…

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