June 18, 2008

Why I “Needed” a Boyfriend

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 9:14 am by Kathleen

For a while, specifically back in February if I recall right, I felt like I really needed a boyfriend.  In fact, I really didn’t get past this drive until fairly recently.  Since I say “get past”, obviously I am not feeling this drive anymore, so what changed?
I guess I did.  I felt like I needed a boyfriend because we had taken the step into being poly, but that is where I remained.  Where Michael went off and had a relationship and had sex and even had a breakup, I was stalled.  Funny, considering that HE is the anti-social one most of the time.

I didn’t feel in competition with him… rather I felt left behind, like a little kid whose big brother learns to ride a bike and sails away on it.  I want to learn too!  I want to truly be poly!   I want a boyfriend!

I realized a few weeks ago that it was a really unhealthy way to think about it.  I had a date, and even though it didn’t work out, it helped me realize that a) I am desirable to someone other than Michael and b) these things take time.  Both things I knew in my head, but not in my heart.  I’m more in sync now, and I “get” what drove me before.  Sure, it would be nice to have a girlfriend (I’m sick of the boyfriend idea, a little bit), but it can wait.





  1. Auria Cortes said,

    Do you feel that having a girlfriend is a safe way to experience poly? Though you do seem open to same sex experiences, I don’t get the impression that you are bisexual.

  2. Kathleen said,

    I’ve actually been attracted to women pretty much all my adult/sexual life. I’ve made out with a couple of girls, neither of whom I was actually attracted to… they were friends and it was fun. Other than that, I am inexperienced with women, but I am interested in gaining more experience.

    As for safety… women are just as scary as men, and more so in some ways. It’s just a choice, based in part on how few guys I’ve met actually “get” what I’m about. I like women… I LOVE the female body… sounds like something I should experience. 🙂

  3. Auria Cortes said,

    It seems that women can be just as scary as men, but if one isn’t bisexual then the probablity of falling in love with a person of the same sex is zero to none. So the risk is less because the relationship from the start is reduced to sex and simply just caring about the partner. Love has no way of making an appearance.

    There is a notable difference btwn Red and men. With Red you are willing to participate in sexual contact without a relationship. But when you spoke about dating men you put up a barrier.

    The following statement cleared things up for me: “based in part on how few guys I’ve met actually “get” what I’m about.” So it’s not out of safety as I wondered, but more due to opportunity.

  4. Kathleen said,

    Oh, gosh, I must have been horribly unclear! One of the things that appeals to me about Red is that she is looking for a girlfriend who she can play with, and not a play partner, two very different things.

    The “play” that I am talking about is not sex, but rather BDSM (and we have a date at the dungeon tomorrow, in fact). I feel more comfortable with the idea of having sex with women than with men for some reason (a mental block of some kind), but I still don’t care for the idea of casual sex.

    If I met a wonderful guy, I would certainly take the opportunity to spend time with him. The same goes for a wonderful woman. Hope that clarifies some…

  5. Kathleen said,

    A little P.S.

    I do consider myself bisexual, and I think falling in love would be lovely… just haven’t had a chance yet, aside from my Michael, of course.

  6. Auria Cortes said,

    “The “play” that I am talking about is not sex, but rather BDSM…”

    Oh, okay. I guess you’re using Clinton’s definition of sex 🙂

    “I feel more comfortable with the idea of having sex with women than with men for some reason…”

    Yes, that’s the vibe. If the answer to the question is important you’ll find out in time.

    As usual, I was just curious. 🙂

  7. Auria Cortes said,

    “I do consider myself bisexual…”

    I didn’t get that impression at all. Glad I asked for clarification.

  8. Holly said,

    I very much relate to what you said above — I’m currently in the “it will happen when it will happen” mindset and I tell people that I’m not /not/ looking, but I’m not looking. 🙂 That’s always fun to explain.

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