April 9, 2009


Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 12:34 pm by Kathleen

There are a lot of people in the poly world (and you often notice them first, because they are the ones waving the banners) that believe that being poly is like a sexual orientation – you are born with it, and that’s the way it is. That’s true. For THEM. But some of us, myself included, never felt that pull. We never cheated in early relationships, dealt with serial monogamy, or “dated around”, and yet here we are carrying the title of Polyamorous with sincerity and sometimes even pride.

I never imagined a polyamorous life before I found it, nor do I crave it even now. For me, the decision to remain poly has more to do with the fact that there is not a compelling reason not to as anything else. Born to be poly? I think not. I could happily go back to monogamy and be just as comfortable and just as pleased with where my life has taken me. The more I thought on this, the more it seemed to me that being “on the fence” as I am is a lot like being bisexual. I could be with a man, or I could be with a woman. I don’t feel the need to exclude the idea of either, much as I do not feel the need to exclude the ideas of poly or monogamy from my life. I call this state of being, bi-polyamorous.

Do any of you feel the same way? Do you have similar experiences with poly? Maybe you even had your own name for it? Please do share!





  1. s1m0n said,

    Hi Kathleen –

    Actually, I couldn’t go back to monogamy. I went through twenty years of serial relationships and a mountain of emotional frustration. The years that I’ve been poly have been the most communicative, constructive, and “stressless” in my life. I think accepting a monogamous relationship now would be something like shutting down my critical thinking abilities (grin). I’d be putting on blinders…


    • Kathleen said,


      I don’t feel like a monogamous relationship would be damaging or otherwise painful for either of us, but that probably just means that you fall more under the “definitely poly” side of the spectrum.

      Blessings and love,

  2. Spike said,

    Pardon me for being a bit behind on your posts, I just recently found your blog. I don’t typically comment on others blogs but strangely enough I find your words very comforting.

    Bi-Polyamorous…I like the way you explained it. I have very, very recently found myself dealing with my own polyamorous situation and am having a bit of a tough time dealing with it. It’s comforting to know that someone else wasn’t necessarily “born into it”, that it is something that can be learned and embraced, and that gives me hope. I can definitely understand the notion of being on the fence about these kinds of things, because you never really have to be one way or the other, you always have the choice.

    I thank you for all of your posts, they’re very enlightening and I hope you continue to drop these little tidbits of inside information.

  3. Lover said,

    I agree.

    While “bi-poly” is a funny term to me, I do identify with having been perfectly fulfilled with 19 years of monogamy (no cheating) and 8 years of poly (three partners, no cheating).

    I had a past girlfriend who pulled out all the stops to get me to consider being monogamous with her. My answer, without any hesitation, was No. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t do monogamy. It was that I would not simply drop two other life partners to be with her.

    “Born to be poly” has never made any sense to me. And, Yes, I hear it a lot in my circles.

  4. Dee said,

    Hearing other people’s stories about “being” poly and how that takes so many different forms is a total relief as I am muddling through what poly is in my life. I don’t have to fit into some sort of ideal poly woman mold. Phew.

  5. Matthew said,

    I am just beginning to be truly poly after years of monogomous relationships with mostly women. But now I am involved with one man and one woman. She is open to it, he has some concerns. But we are taking things slowly. This has occurred because I have been online dating and met both within the same week. And we are still in casual dating mode but with a deep loving emotionally intimate way of relating. Her sex drive is also much lower. The guy has concerns because he is gay rather than bisexual and does not want to be the side relationship. But really I have never had been in such loving relationships and they have expressed the same. So “choosing” seems almost absurd when I feel a profound love for both my partners.

  6. nadith said,

    Hi Kathleen,
    I think there are people from both walks, as you have said. I never believed that sexual identity is hard-wired, I do believe though that given the identity and perspective of the person it may as well be. To change or destroy their perspective arbitrarily is to no longer be them.
    That being said though, I would say your feelings of bi and poly are quite the same, and follow for the same reason. The question is not what makes you happy, but does it inhibit happiness. You could be monogamous because there aren’t people whom you love and would have in a relationship, similarly, you would have no problems being with someone monogamously if they were solely in love with you. What might be an issue is why they are solely monogamous with you, maybe not at first, but if you feel and think as you seem to, I have not doubt there would be a decent amount of suppression.

    I would say you are more dedicated than those that have identified with it because of their reactions. You recognize it because it is, and don’t need to prove it, to yourself, or others. I cannot prove to you that I am me, besides anecdotal evidence, similarly with most important facets of life. It is the nature of being.

    For names though I have called it many things, sometimes monogamy with myself, because in poly I believe you need to love yourself and thereby understand and love others. Sometimes nonagomy, polyamory, group-relationship, but more often simply friends. We share our lives and I don’t care about gender, I do care that we are ourselves, that we share, love, and understand. The things that move us, and support our meaning and being are what are crucial to me.

    I hope you are enjoying yourself,

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