April 13, 2009

The Mysterious Vee – MFM

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , at 3:30 pm by Kathleen

I’ve been hearing from a new friend about his desire to be a part of a male-female-male vee – one in which he and a male friend jointly date (and, in his opinion pamper) a woman. The two men would not be romantically involved (which is what makes it a vee instead of a triad), but would be friends and partners-in-crime so to speak.

I’ve never actually met a guy looking for a couple to date in this way, but I can see the appeal of wanting the share the responsability of pleasing and entertaining a woman with a man who is a good friend and companion. I can also see the appeal of weathering her worse moods together. Not that I’m saying I have bad moods mind you…   😉

For the males out there: how would you feel about sharing a girl with a guy friend? For the ladies, how would you feel about having two guys to yourself that way?
Blessings,

Kathleen

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49 Comments »

  1. I’m not sure I’d like this set up in the end. After all, wouldn’t both these men also be in the position to have another woman in their lives? I’m really not into sharing and dang, one man is enough work for me.

    And honestly, I’ve rarely met a man I was very interested in who didn’t want me all to himself once the relationship had progressed.

    • Kathleen said,

      Thank you so much for sharing! In an open poly relationship, yes, both men would be technically able to add another woman to their own end of things. There is also the option of a poly-fi relationship, which is a closed loop that happens to have more than two people. In that case, it would be the three vee members, and there would have to be a group discussion/approval of the idea of adding anyone else.

  2. Alex said,

    I’m sort of in this situation right now. I’m married to one man and have a romantic relationship with another. (My boyfriend is also married, which makes the situation slightly different than what’s described above.)

    My husband and boyfriend are good friends. There’s nothing specifically precluding either of them from seeking out an additional relationship (although my boyfriend has said that due to time constraints, he would only consider it if the other woman wanted something relatively casual).

    I can genuinely say that it’s a fairly ideal scenario for me. I love that they like and respect each other as friends outside of the romantic angle, and both of them are convinced that the other has my best interests at heart. I consider myself to be a very lucky woman. 🙂

    • blackdove said,

      I’m in the same boat here, and it’s the best relationship(s) I’ve ever been in!

  3. It’s not for me. But I couldn’t care less what other consenting adults do. For some people, it could work out just fine. Live and let live. It’s not any of my business.

  4. Kathleen said,

    Alex, That’s WONDERFUL! I’m sure your boyfriend’s wife is a very lucky lady as well. 🙂

    Gypsy, I really like your attitude about this, and I want to thank you for replying. A lot of people who do not live a poly lifestyle are actively hostile to people who do, and it makes me pretty sad. Welcome to the blog!

  5. You’re very welcome, Kathleen.

    And thanks for stopping over at my blog. I’ll be visiting here again. 🙂

  6. s1m0n said,

    Well, I live in a V – I share my friend’s wife and my friend and I aren’t partnered. I’m not sure if she’s pampered, but she can get pretty spoiled at times deciding which one she gets to sleep with every night (giggle)…

    s1m0n
    http://polytripod.blogspot.com

  7. s1m0n said,

    Oh, an Chris – yes. All of us have secondaries or tertiaries – other partners – that we also date. We’re not polyfidelous (spelling that right? polyfidelity – sexual obligation to just a team/set number of partners)? We’re all quite poly (grin) and have multiple partners between us….

    s1m0n

  8. Lisa said,

    I live in that situation. I’m the female of the vee…we live together and have for the past three years (our three-year anniversary of living together was Monday).

    I feel incredibly lucky to have two wonderful men. I don’t feel especially pampered most of the time, because we all look out for each other. The “weathering her worst moods together” fits my guys…I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I think both of them appreciate having an extra person here to help. I know I appreciate that one or the other of them is almost always either here or just a phonecall away.

    For the record, this is the first and only poly relationship for any of us. I was married to a wonderful man, and met and fell in love with another wonderful man. We had known a few other poly families, and decided to try and make it work for us. And barring a few rocky patches, it has worked remarkably well.

    No, none of us have other partners, although we have discussed it on occasion 🙂

    • Amy said,

      Amy,

      Lisa, I really want to know how you communicated this with your husband initially. I’m in the process of working this out with my husband. I fell in love with my best friend and I really love my husband. I discussed this with my best friend and he is willing to be in a Vee. But my husband expresses some vague concerns. Our daughter who is almost 6 y.o. is begging me to have 2 dad since she has such a great relationship with my best friend (almost better than with her dad). My best friend is 13 years older than I am and my husband is 4 years younger so the 2 men are so very different and I really feel like I need both of them to make me feel satisfied physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. My best friend, and my husband do not hang out alone but we have “family” dinners together and it feels so right and right at home. I wonder what I can say or do to make my husband feel like my best friend is not a threat and he is just going to make our live so much fuller.

    • Lil'D said,

      This sounds like what me and my hubby have been thinking of mentioning to his best friend of 17 years. He’s the only person I have like this about besides my husband. I love them both immensely. But when my husband mentioned what we would say to other people about it, I thought we won’t be able to tell anybody about that and then I thought that doesn’t sound like a very good end of the deal to our friend. He can finally have a meaningful relationship but you can’t tell anybody that. How did you guys handle that in your relationship?

      • Woodie54 said,

        Hi lil,good evening,how are you today,I have read your story,and I will tell you there is nothing to be afraid of ,just keep it among the three of you ,the best way to break the ice is to plan a week end out ing ,If you then plan to sleep in a hotel for the night ,you then order two rooms side by side ,so you can open the door between the two rooms ,you know what you have to do !

      • woodie54 said,

        Hi Lil’e ,I have read your question,and also you said that the third person is also is your family best friend! So it seem as if he is already spending much time over at your house,and most of your other friends know that you are already close friends,so that is half of it,but do not let your husband ask him any thing,you should be able to flirt with him ,and make him comfortable ,and assure him that every thing is going to just be fine .

  9. Abby said,

    It’s my secret fantasy to be in the middle of two men effing the **** out of me…What a turn-on….but will I ever have the nerve to try??? who knows 🙂 I blog about it though lol

  10. fleece said,

    oh Lisa I would pay good money to be in your situation! although I think I would like to be an adjunct to a male couple. does that mean MMf? although this is just a fantasy and Im sure the reality wouldn’t be totally pink and fluffy all the time.
    I continue to dream xxx!

  11. necie said,

    Lisa,

    Can you please share how you initially broached this topic with your husband?

    Because I have struggled mightily against a serious attraction to/love for his best friend for years. In a lot of ways we’re already sort of a triad–we spend time together several nights a week, celebrate all family holidays/birthdays together, we’d do anything for each other, even had the “who would you call if you landed in jail” thing tested (and we’re who he called). The men have been friends for twice as long as I’ve known them. Friend was the Best Man at our wedding. All that.

    A couple of weeks ago, late at night, after a few too many, BF and I established that the problem is mutual. (He spends the night on our couch now when we’ve had a few; see “landed in jail.” We don’t ever want that to happen again.)

    And yet, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to talk to husband about the fact that I am in all honesty poly, probably have been all my life, and want to be able to continue living the good life we’re living, plus BF.

    Any experience or wisdom would be much appreciated.

  12. Bill said,

    I’m in a relationship sort of like this. We are openly polyamorous, and right now, my girlfriend has another boyfriend. The thing is, he and I don’t really know each other all that well. We get along fine, and like each other, but he lives about fifty miles from here, so we don’t really hang out with her together that often.

    As far as how things work, it’s definitely a bonus that she has two men in her life. If I’m feeling cranky and she needs emotional support, she’s got another option, and vice versa. The net result is that I get to be a normal human with variable moods, but there’s a lot less resentment when we’re not in sync on a particular occasion.

    Another thing is that she, like many women, is generally hornier when she gets laid more. (I wish more women knew this, by the way…) The net result is that she gets a LOT of sex, and is pretty much always horny, which is better for me, too.

    Then there’s the whole compersion thing. I genuinely like knowing that she’s with him. I get pleasure from her pleasure, and it makes the sex better for me knowing that she’s been with someone else recently.

    Jealousy isn’t a huge issue. Both I and her other man work a lot and couldn’t spend every day with her if we wanted to. She gets what she wants — constant companionship — and we get what we want… someone who is ok with hanging out a couple of times a week, and doesn’t freak out when we aren’t together for a few days.

    Hope some of this helps.

  13. independentlyowned said,

    This is a really interesting idea. I’m so glad to hear stories of people for whom this has worked out, because I was in a similar situation and got a lot of criticism for it from some of my peers.

    I had 2 best guy friends at college (we just graduated), and they were also good friends with each other. One night while drinking, they jokingly proposed to have a 3some with me because hey, why not? We’re all friends. (I had a brief history with one of them freshman year, too.) I agreed, so we did it, and it was a great time. There was no awkwardness about it.

    While I continued to sleep with the 2 of them, we never had another 3some. Then soon, the one I dated freshman year briefly decided that he wanted to look for a more committed relationship, so we went back to just being friends. The other man and I kept seeing each other, but we also openly saw other people. It was absolutely fine.

    However, my college was very small, and we all lived on campus, so things worked out a little differently than they would in the real world. But even after graduation, even though we’re in different parts of the world, we keep in touch and continue to be friends.

    I like that people can be so open about sex and relationships. I feel that many people I knew criticized me for ruining friendships for sex (even though that never happened) or for not wanting to commit to one person. They just were unable to see that maybe monogamy isn’t for everyone. It’s so refreshing to see everyone’s comments here!

  14. lee heilner said,

    Kathleen:

    Having been in a LTR with the female being the vee if you will for me personally it was great! It does take a lot of work but the benefits for all were well worth it. With both of us being straight males the focus was on her. She was the one’s with the brains and the gift of being able to bring us together though.

    She had the contrast of both worlds with her men, he being an extrovert and as she used to call him her “stud” and me being a natural introvert and as she use to call me her “lover”, but it was much more than sex with the three of us, it was a way of life in which we all received emotional support from each other in some form of another, we were truly friends, and they both made it easy to become a part of their family, but unfortunately a promotion and relocation made it necessary for us to disband.

    For her she enjoyed her men and for us we enjoyed having the ability to have a life with her as well as our own individual time to pursue hobbies and goals.

    As far as mood swings and attitudes, while she would have them from time to time, as her husband said they were not as bad and less frequently before I entered the relationship for several reasons.
    Finacially things were a lot better even though they had good jobs as everybody knows things happen that can stretch the finances and women do like to have the security of knowing that they will be well taken care of and provided for (and there is nothing wrong with that!)
    my monetary contribution to the “family” made life easier. With his job requiring him to travel about half the time, her loneliness was tempered with the ability to fall asleep in my arms when he was away and it was like he had told me several times, it would have been only a matter of time before she would have had an affair/s
    due to his vocation and he prefered this situation over her doing that.

    The contrast in what we did for employment helped everybody in our family, he was the college educated analytical person and I hav a vocational background and am good with my hands having been involved in taking care of commercial buildings all my life and I enjoy working on home repair and remodeling project, and so did she and he wasn’t really into it so it worked out great all around…

    It wasn’t that she was a bad person but I belief that people weren’t made to be alone without intimacy for extended periods of time and so for the three of us it worked out really great.

    Yes there were times that we would all three of us be together for extended periods of time and with that after getting to know each other we developed the inate ability to know when somebody needed their space, required/needed attention or whatever and yes the sexual love was great!!!! but it wasn’t the driving force with us.

    The last comment on this is for us when we were all together and he wasn’t traveling every Saturday was her day if she wanted she could have both of anyway she wanted sexually, emotionally, for activities and she did have her way of getting people’s attention especially if we were on vacation together by walking up to one of us for instance and giving us a kiss that left no room for imagination and then turning around doing the same thing to the other person in a crowd or whatever. Wow I really do miss them.

    I know this is long winded and it isn’t for everybody but for them and me it was the best thing ever and it was a closed relationship for us, she was by far more than enough for the both of us “males”

  15. proudsub said,

    I think it would be awsome. However, I’d want both men to be committed and exclusive to only her. I’ve desired this for 20 years. However, I’ve not had the guts to pursue it. I told my ex I was OK with it and then she dumped me. Ideally I’d like to be maried to a lady who is free to have a child from another, her committed lover.

    I’ve always been attracted to the strong dominant type lady and this would truely put me into subspace.

    • Kathleen said,

      Yes, there are certainly forms of BDSM that are highly compatible with a poly lifestyle.

      • proudsubelliot said,

        Yes thats true. Was it my name gives away my interest in BDSM? I even suggested be fixed, with the expectation of her having a child from a lover. Basically she hinted that she had cheated on me and I was OK with it. However, I think she was mad that I wasnt more upset. Actually I kind like the idea, it put me in sub space, and gave me pleasure knowing that she was getting satified by a friend, while away at a conference. As long as I can trust that shes not going to leave me for the other guy I’m OK with it. The hard part is when you think it’s being done behind your back. If there is an understanding that she can take another, it adds to her confidence and dominance, the very thing that attached me to her. If it would move into a cuckolding relationship, Id be willing to be her eunuch too. That was she can be exclusive to one cock.

      • Kathleen said,

        Your interest in BDSM was given away by your references to dominant woman and subspace. 🙂

  16. proudsubelliot said,

    wow you’re so in tune what what Im thinking and saying.

  17. Rick Q said,

    I am attractive and would be interested in sharing a woman with another guy in a mfm vee relationship. It sounds exciting. I just don’t know where to start.

  18. Sofie said,

    I’m in a committed long term straight M/F relationship… my boyfriend has suggested that we seek out a live-in boyfriend after we are married. He is straight and we are seeking a straight male to date me while I’m happily married… I am an extremely bubbly, extroverted, and just have such an intense need to spoil and pamper the man I love… and he honestly feels that adding another male to our lives to date me exclusively is a perfect fit. i’m competely new to the world of poly… and just have no real insight into whether this is realistic… just know it is a perfect fit for us!
    how hard is it to find a straight male to enter this type of poly relationship?

    • Kathleen said,

      Never having tried, I wouldn’t know how easy or hard it is… but I have found guys surprisingly willing to date me despite my being married, so it is certainly possible. And however plausible it is, I am convinced that if you look long enough you will find what you’re seeking.

    • Juan said,

      Sofie! I am an attractive educated single straight male… it is my dream to be in a poly mfm relationship. I like to spoil a girl and to see her with so much pleasure. I think it would make me very happy to join a married couple and to exclusively date a wife. I wouldn’t want to harm the marriage, just add to it and make everyone more happy.

      I think it is realistic to find!

  19. subproud said,

    Im 55 and I’ve found the women I’ve been involved with are unhappy when I don’t show some sign of jeolousy in these types of situations.

  20. xkullslinger said,

    I could only enjoy the mmf relationship, where the men are bisexual and not just focused on me. They must enjoy each other as well. I had an mfm experience with straight guys and it sucked because they were oh so worried about their naughty bits touching. geez! Never again. Straight guys make good friends for me, but it would be rare for me to date one (because homophobia often comes up…not always, but often enough).

  21. Jay said,

    Am I involved in a vee or a triad? My wife and I have a third partner we share named James. It works well because James and I are both bi and my wife loves to watch us enjoy each other as well as enjoying James herself. There’s a lot of sharing going around between the three of us. Is this considered a bee or a triad?

    • Kathleen said,

      You’re in a triad. In a vee, two partners have a common partner, but do not interact with each other. If all three of you play with both the others, it’s a triad.

  22. Davin said,

    Having been the consistent male of what has turned into a series of Vs, I must say that compersion lies at the root of the relationship format. While I have not actively sought out the additional males, I certainly have not had any objections save for when I had an issue with the person themselves.

    The hardest part of being in a V is when the lady in the middle meshes well with the males individually, but the males have an issue between them where it isn’t a matter of right and wrong.

    As an aside, I would like to thank you for these insights of yours, Kathleen. They have been invaluable as my girlfriend and I have set about redefining the boundaries of our extended relationship.

  23. milen said,

    New here, and found this post because of a Google search. About me and why I’m chiming in: female, 34, married for 14 years, 2 kids, and have been poly for 8 years give or take. We just celebrated our one year with our best friend and partner. He’s living with us, runs out game shop, and our kids, who are now 13 and 12, look at our third like he’s a “manchild”. They respect him as an adult but find it easier to talk to him. He is the third v partner my husband and I have allowed into our lives.

    How did this all start? How did I broach the subject to my husband in the first place? Easy…I was completely insane. Okay, so maybe not insane, just pregnant with our first child and feeling like a non sexual cow. So I insisted my husband find a girlfriend fire the term is my pregnancy and we’d go from there. Be was too unsure how to find someone, so I looked for him.

    Long story summation, we did find people, then couples when we thought what we wanted was swinging…but something was always missing. I realized that I needed an emotional connection as well as the

    • milen said,

      (Sorry writing on my phone)..the sex. The first was a fun online find that lasted for a year, he lived on the opposite coast, and we were his first polyfi couple. That ended on what I thought was a bad note. I figured maybe I was wrong about being poly. A few years later, online again, my sister accidentally found our second…and he was on the same coast, just in a different state. That lasted 3-4 years…and ended badly as well, or so I thought.

      We are in actuality still friends with the other two, but just friends with ahistorywe can laugh about now and discuss without hurt feelings.

      This third and final one…want supposed to happen…but it seems good things come in threes. I’m still a lot more reserved than before…and my husband keeps telling me to relax, that he feels this one I can trust again…they are both working very hard, and it’s a work in progress. They went so far as to buy a king bed for us…even though the third has a room…the master bedroom belongs to the three of us…Oh okay and our dog.

      • Matt said,

        So I am a male and have been Married to my wife for 15 years,She recently told me about this part of herself and the fantasy a poly family. I am willing to do this with her but am worried about our kids we have 3 wonderful children and the world can be so cruel. How do we go about finding the perfect family member that will join our family and love our kids as their own?? We don’t want to be bringing in a bunch of guys without our kids getting confused if they are not the perfect match for our family. The perfect scenario would be a guy that would be a friend to us both like common interests between us and be a second father figure in our home. Any suggestions??

      • Kathleen said,

        Same way anyone handles dating with kids. Slowly, carefully, and, if you’re smart, not introducing anyone new to your kids until you’re all serious about each other. For younger kids, all you have to say is that you have a friend who is going to be your roommate, more or less. As they get older, they’ll probably figure it out, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

  24. Nick Compatible said,

    So interesting reading all the replies, I am in a relationship with an awesome woman for the last five years, and we have been involved in a few threesomes with two other men, mainly just the fantastic sex. But I have grown to feel I want another lover and companion for her on a permanent basis, I like the friendship and knowing the other man loves and cares for her just as much as I do.
    She did the threesomes on my request, it’s was a little hard for her at first but she came to enjoy it because of the second man we met. The only issue is he moved on and she a little sad and doesn’t like the idea of pursuing another man.

    Somehow she feels she is not enough for me, and I cannot get across to her I want this for her so much. She is so passionate and giving that I love seeing her share that with another man and myself, not just sexually but emotionally too.

    I would love to know from someone how to let her see that I love her so much and want her to feel free to pursue this with me another man. I want her to have the powerful feelings she has with a different man than me, so she can experience both what each of has to offer her. She seems so perfect with the V, she has so much love to share and I want it bad for her.

    Thanks for any reply or advice

    Nick

    • Kathleen said,

      What I’m seeing in the little information you’ve shared here is that she’s acquiescing to your personal fetish (seeing her with another man), but that it isn’t something she actively seeks or desires. You want it FOR her, but what does she want? Ultimately, whether she dates someone else or not should be her decision, and I’m not seeing that she’s really getting any input.

  25. sassyrose said,

    In reading all of these situations, I wonder if we were all truly honest with our selves that we would see that as a species we are innately poly. I mean that while most associate poly relationships with sex, it’s about intimacy and love. I can love and be intimate with multiple people and not have sex, but by definition I am poly because I can love someone as much as I love my significant other.

    As a side note I have had a “Poly relationship” I was in a triad and had it not been for the third person moving out of state, perhaps would have continued.

    Just my two cents.

    • Kathleen said,

      I don’t think we can say that we as a species are innately poly any more than I would say we’re innately straight or innately violent (or non-violent; or gay; or whatever), but I do think that societal norms have convinced a lot of people who ARE innately poly that they are wrong, bad, or wicked. That self-loathing isn’t a pretty thing to carry, nor is it healthy for a person to become a serial cheater because they’re trying and failing to cram themselves into a monogamous mindset. I don’t think everyone is necessarily built for poly, but I do think that society has a lot to answer for when it comes to hurting or damaging some people who otherwise might be.

  26. inLust said,

    Me and my “friend with benefits” were looking for a guy to engage a MFM for one night only.
    I think is a common fantasy… and I’m curious and excited to try.

    • Woodie54 said,

      Hi in Lust ,good evening ,may I ask what state are you from?

  27. Mare said,

    I have been saying since my twenties, that this type of situation would be ideal for me. I had a lovely bf in my twenties who loved to share me with a good friend of ours…the guys were good friends, I was lovers with both of them, waking up with two men in bed was the best thing ever at the time…it was great! Unfortunately, in that particular situation, it ended up with me breaking up with this lovely bf since my chemistry with him waned to some extent and I was young and didn’t know how to work through that. With the right two men, this would be a wonderful situation and since I am female but not truly bi (I’ve tried, interesting but I LOVE cock) any other way would not work for me. MY female friend and I have decided to start an Amazon Hippie Commune for ourselves where we are surrounded by all sorts of hot men who live to serve us sexually, by pampering us, etc. I know a few men who would sign up for that gladly. Realistically, though, I am currently in a poly relationship with an awesome man whose only stipulation is that my dalliances with other men be sexual, not as emotional and I’m fine with that. He wants to be there to watch other men Play with me and he will, on occasion share a woman with me as well but only if I am there (although I’m not bi, I find women sexy and beautiful and can play with them here or there for the novelty of it and to arouse my lover).

  28. Woodie54 said,

    Hi to every one,my reply is that I am very shocked that some one said they have never heard if two men sharing one woman ,well honey ,hat is the norm of the day,the most time it normally be a couple and his best friend as the third person,I must say I was a part of that circle,and it was the husband who ask me to be a part of the circle,at first it was very strange to me ,but then I look forward to it very often ,I will love to have one more relationship like hat,we were a loving team.

  29. jeff said,

    honestly if the girl was hot enough and that what she wanted id be ok im straight so no bisexuality or bi curious stuff but i honestly think i could be happy spoiling the same chick i mean we would have to live together and men other guy would have to see eye to eye and just be happy making the female happy like if our girl wants a foot rub i got her left foot you got her right and honestly she couldnt work if im already sharing her i dont want work taking up any more time away from me me and her other husband or bf can support her

    and if the sex times kind of worked themselvee out like sometimes all 3 of us for one on each end of her or even easier and hopefully are gf would love and be into double pentration that would make life easy

    but yea no one plans it some time she just has sex with me sometimes just with him sometimes all 3 i literaly think this could last a life time as long as the woman kept the sex even between the guys n honestly it would only work if the woman took the lead and was a FLR was the dominant one and took controll because i dont see to males both trying to dominate the same relationship with out butting heads the women would have to be the dominant one were both men just follow suit and are happy spoiling the hell out of their lovely gf which what ever she says goes

    • woodie54 said,

      Hello to every one,my answer to this situation is ,this is a very common life style,Simple rules,the female has to be incharge,the men has to follow the rules,if any one has a problem then he can leave,as simple as that,I will love to find a couple at this time ,bye to every one.

  30. Banjer said,

    In a MMF relationship with a single woman and the other man and I are separately married. Our wives know about the relationship They dont enjoy sex and understand our (the mens) wants.. The 3 of us are lovers and it has been a wonderful experience for all 3 of us. The woman is very well taken care of and she loves it. The two of us (the 2 men) have no jealousy about which one of us is with her and when. When we are all 3 together it is the best time for all of us. We are all older in age..Just wish I had found this situation earlier in life.


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