June 4, 2009

Unicorn Hunters

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 9:47 am by Kathleen

The following is a quoted personal ad:

We are a couple (MF) who are seeking a preferably bi or bi-curious female for a long term relationship. In short, we are looking for someone to marry and raise a family with.

We come as a joint package. A two for one offer.

We are fit, active, intelligent, gregarious outdoors types. We are notoriously blunt as people (we were both that way before we met).We have a list of hills and mountains near Melbourne, Australia that are going to be climbed.

We are also into our markets, meditation, books, food and cooking.

We are also intensely curious. As people we are also very affectionate. The girl who joins us will never doubt that she is adored. The kisses, cuddles and snuggles are nearly endless.We are in no way financially well off.

We are looking for a mature girl aged between 20-30. We are looking for someone of an Asian (East or West), African,Latin or Eastern Mediterranean ethnicity. Because we are into our fitness smokers and susbstance [sic] abusers need not apply. Nor for that matter any “dolls”…if you are skinny and into your fashion and make up, trust us, you are not our type.

We will take our time to get to know you before we make the offer. We will date you as a couple.

It made me laugh pretty good. I didn’t reply to them directly, mostly because I have seen those kinds of “helpful” hints turn into some major flame wars on this forum in particular, but it is a little bit sad to me because I have no doubt that they will either have to change their tune drastically, or have to keep looking forever.

They seem like perfectly nice people, but they have a very specific list of traits that a woman has to posses before she can even attempt to “pass their test”, which is how this ad reads to me. In fact, it looks more like a list of job requirements than a personal ad. The only thing that a woman (“girl”?) reading this ad can look forward to with certainty is being used as a baby machine and hopefully breadwinner, and getting paid in “snuggles”. Maybe I’m just cynical.

Trust me, I understand the mentality that leads couples to want to date together. My husband and I felt the same way when we decided to give poly a shot, but we quickly realized that we were going about our poly journey in the wrong way. No one wants the pressure of hearing “if you want me, you have to at least pretend to be turned on by this other person, take it or leave it”. No one wants to be the “junior wife” or the third wheel (and trust me, in the majority of cases like the post above, there are strong feelings in the couple about their own relationship coming first, before any relationship with the “other wife”).

I also find it amusing and closed minded that the couple (their profile lists them both at 31 years old) is demanding a woman up to a decade younger, but no older than themselves whatsoever, of a particular ethnicity, and, oh, no smoking or tattoos, go away! (The tattoo part is on their profile, but not in the ad.)

I don’t mean to offend anyone, and if this is your ad, well, I hope that you look at it and realize that I am not the only hot bi babe in the world who is rolling her eyes and laughing at your arrogant “need not apply” terminology. I would rather find a couple that doesn’t require an application and a wait list, thanks.

Tomorrow, I think I will post the kind of ad that would really get me interested, just for contrast.





  1. caztatroy said,

    I wonder though… is the rigid structure of your typical dating site profile partly to blame here? When you have a very structured series of “boxes” to fill out is it any wonder that what comes out on the profile (and hence spills over into peoples freeform adverts) is somethign that looks more like a shopping list than invitation to join a great party.

    • Kathleen said,

      Having spoken to the couple and having been called a “round eye bitch” simply because I expressed my opinion without being a part of their “target” group… yea, I do blame them. The form on this dating site, anyway, is very very open for interpretation. There are two boxes: who are you, and who are you looking for.

      • Becky said,

        I’m with you Kathleen. It’s not what the dating site describes. It’s that they are yet another male-female couple looking for an “extra girl”, as if there are a ton of those to go around. If every couple like this had their way, it would be a lot like old-school polygamy, with 1/3 of males banished to keep the sex ratio unequal.

  2. Alex said,

    I am rather new to poly, though my girlfriend is experienced in the lifestyle. We are a deeply committed couple; I am 34 (m), she is 24. She is bisexual, while I (unfortunately) am not. We allow each other intimacy with approved partners outside of our “primary-ness” (boys and girls for her, just girls for me obviously). We are picky about our secondaries and don’t get involved with just anyone — we have pretty clear rules about that kind of thing — and as a result we find amazing secondary partners for the most part, all of whom have inevitably become good friends with both of us. Needless to say, the trust factor is pretty high.

    But our mutual favorite is the Unicorn … and she IS elusive, isn’t she? “Larval stage poly” aside (as per a related post on your blog), we absolutely love triads. We have had two wonderful experiences with unicorns, but unfortunately none that lasted long. One turned out to be a serial monogamist who pretended well, but was actually in between bad relationships and dumped us for her new boyfriend (whom we had unwittingly encouraged her to pursue). The other woman, who is truly the “real deal” and is as crazy about us as we are about her, lives across the country and can’t move away easily (she has kids). C’est la vie.

    But we persist in our quest! Our acceptance level is high and our expectations are low. We don’t care too much about age, ethnicity, lifestyle, or any kind of poly-fidelity as it were. We care about trust, communication, and love … and strongly believe in encouraging independence in our third partner as much as we encourage independence with each other. And includes her finding a committed primary of her own if that’s her desire (though hopefully we could be included somehow in the equation!).

    So my question: how can we find someone compatible without seeming creepy and/or overly-demanding? (The ad you copied made both of us shiver, by the way. Yuck. Baby-machine indeed!)

    • Kathleen said,

      Unfortunately there’s no fail-safe equation for finding the perfect partner. It’s just a matter of dating and seeing what happens. Some people have had success online, some meeting people in person through activities, etc. What matters most is that you are comfortable with your seeking and with yourselves, and that you enjoy the journey rather than focus obsessively on the goal. Good luck!

  3. Deja said,

    being an “ex” uncorn..I rfuse to date couples like this one anymore. too many boxes to jump and fit into and be disposed of when you don’t exact match up. Mail order sex slaves would be booming I swear!

  4. teahead said,

    My wife and I are dating the perfect “unicorn”, but I’m always curious about women who wants to be unicorns. She is new to this as we are new to it too, but would like to hear more about this situation. Our situation came by accident. I think our girlfriend was initially attracted by my wife, but found the both of us sexy enough to date.

    Are these women who wish to be independent, but would like to be adored by two people? Who wants to have both a female and male sexual experience? Are they more into women for the mental, but men for the physical? Or vice versa?

    I don’t think most women who have been “unicorns” are actively looking for a couple, but get there by unusual circumstances. Just my $0.02.

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