March 15, 2011

When do you Disclose?

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:14 pm by Kathleen

Still on the topic of communication, when do you disclose information about a potential new partner to your current partner(s)? A lot of this will have to do with your partner’s comfort level, of course, since while some people are interested in hearing whenever their lover sees someone sexy, others want to know only important information, like who you’re sleeping with.

There are a lot of different areas where you can disclose, and problems with any of them. Take ‘when you’re interested in someone’, for example. How interested? You might look at hundreds of people each day and have sexual thoughts or fantasies about a number of them, so when do you cross the line into ‘interest’? When you talk to them? When you ask them out? When you suspect they might have feelings for you? When you first sleep together? (After all, a relationship can be totally platonic and then suddenly turn into something more very quickly).

In our relationship, Michael and I are pretty casual about disclosure. We both share a lot, and we both want lots of information (or maybe I want lots of information AND I love to share, and he is sort of neutral on both). Anyway, we often talk about people we find attractive, people we’ve been speaking to, etc, but it isn’t necessary to have disclosed an interest before we take action so long as we disclose promptly afterward. We even have special allowances built into our rules for one night stands even though neither of us is generally a one night stand kind of person, just in case.

So what are your disclosure rules?



  1. Hubby and I disclose when we first agree to meet someone new in person, or when we first contact someone new to express our interest. We both expect this to relax over time, as we get more experienced with poly, but for now this works. So, for example, were I to say that I’m going on a Date with someone he didn’t know I was corresponding with and had met already would be a large breach of our agreements.
    Great question. 🙂

    • Kathleen said,

      What would you do if, for example, one of you developed feelings for someone you already know? When does disclosure apply then? When you realize your feelings? If/when you decide to act on them?

  2. Myrddwn said,

    Since most of our poly experience is with threesomes and triads, it is pretty easy to communicate. I do most of the Unicorn Hunting, and I then present any potentials to her to approve. I imagine that if we ever move on to having our own partners, the rule would be when first meeting someone. Casual interest, be it through the internet or flirting with a favorite barista need not be communicated.
    My wife knows which friends I am sexually attracted to, and which ones I would be willing to sleep with(very, very few- I prefer to keep my friend drama separate from relationship drama). I know which of her friends, male and female, she finds attractive, and who she might be willing to sleep with or begin a relationship with.
    We talk together so much, I don’t really know if I could pinpoint one exact point where Disclosure would begin.
    Good topic though!

    • Kathleen said,

      Thanks for sharing!

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