March 24, 2011

I want a cuddle buddy!

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:55 am by Kathleen

Last weekend I felt sick. I had a lot of work to finish up (mostly it was done, it just all needed editing and finishing touches), and some sort of cold, and my husband was at his family’s home hanging out all weekend and was not being very responsive to texts. It was a sad, lonely kind of weekend, and I realized that what I truly want isn’t necessarily a relationship (although I wouldn’t rule one out), but I friend I could call up, hang out with, and just talk and cuddle. There is one good friend of mine who would be perfect for that if she didn’t live so far away.

I wonder how you go about finding yourself a cuddle buddy? Does anyone out there know what I mean? Have any of you had thoughts along these lines? Maybe you have a cuddle buddy of your own? I’d love to hear others’ points of view.



  1. CB said,

    I’m glad to see this brought up! Pardon the ramble as i take a short break from my studies, and for any enthusiasm disproportionate to my experience.

    Over a year after we met, meanwhile being go-to friends for each others’ relationship turmoil and becoming best friends, but prompted by my shrinking time left in town, and our both being single, i decided to ask RD out. I hardly ever do this; other people seem to have learned in middle school how to play with their words to be both clear and subtle, while i can only barely manage the former. So i asked RD something like this: “Are you interested in broadening our relationship?” We both phrase things strangely but we’re very frank. She paused, thought, and said “Yes, i’d like to cuddle with you.”

    Since then (a couple of months ago) we’ve cuddled and slept together (only literally) once or twice a week. There are other factors involved, of course: negotiation of boundaries, feelings involved, amorous relationships with others, frequency of sleepovers. In fact, the discussions have kept me in communicative practice while single, especially as we work through some jealousy concerning her current boyfriend. Since we have a strong friendship outside the bedroom we have strong incentive to keep our arrangement in check, and it also gives us emotional precedent: I’ve found it easier to identify her as a close friend instead of an amorous interest because of the time we still spend studying, working, and socializing together.

    There are benefits i didn’t expect! She sleeps much better than she had been and is less promiscuous (which became an issue when she started dating), and i’ve become much more proactive about dating and, with regular pillow talk, better at conveying intimate thoughts more clearly.

    I think a lot of people would be receptive to the cuddle-buddy proposition, perhaps even more than would expect to be. It hadn’t occurred to me to consider it until i was asked for the first time a few years ago. If someone’s attracted to you then they might be put off by it being platonic (and i admit that i was a bit) but even then it gets things out in the open that shouldn’t be kept shut in or dismissed. And i can’t imagine anyone taking personal offense. On the other hand, people take moral offense at all sorts of trivialities, and there’s a stigma against unnecessary touch in my area, maybe in most of the U.S.; that’s the only thing that will give me pause when i next approach someone.

    Yes, “when”: It took me too long to learn that touch, contact, embrace, is too amazing a thing to reserve for lovers. In analogy to Hardy and Easton’s thesis, i think that we, the not-so-promiscuous especially, should encourage a culture of cuddles in abundance: not that we should hug and snuggle with everyone or be overbearing, but that we should be free, vocal, and generous with platonic physical intimacy.

    • Kathleen said,

      It sounds like you guys have a wonderful connection. Thank you for telling us about it!

  2. M said,

    I understand what you mean: cuddling is good. I have a cuddle buddy who is my partner’s housemate. I actually asked her out for a romantic relationship but she doesn’t want to. Our friendship turned into something a bit closer than traditional friendship boundaries: we hug, walk hand in hand and sometimes massage each other, and that’s all. Cuddle buddy is an enjoyable relationship.

    • Kathleen said,

      Sounds lovely! Thank you for sharing this.

  3. Miss L said,

    They actually have things called “Cuddle Parties” as well which seem kinda fun. As for how to find one on your own I imagine using the same venues relationships are for but only seek out a cuddle buddy.

    Link below

    • Kathleen said,

      I’ve heard of them, but I’m really touchy about people I don’t know touching me and the idea of cuddling with a roomful of strangers squicks me. I’d much rather have a close friend with whom to spend time than a cuddle party. Not that there’s anything wrong with the idea – I just don’t think it’s for me.

  4. Kurt said,

    I wish we could all more direct about wanting to cuddle, hug, show physical affection with another. What keeps us from asking for what we want? If you find the trick to acquiring cuddle buddies let us all know!

  5. idan4nm said,

    There’s a nice thread on about cuddling and non-sexual intimacy. I mentioned there that I wanted a non-sexual cuddle buddy/friend and it was amazing that I ended up cuddling with my very dear straight guy friend (I’m male, and bi) the next day! Well, this friend isn’t exactly straight. He’s into loving relationships, with physical affection, with guys. He’s just not into sex with guys. And he’s now one of my dearest of friends — one I can say “I love you” to and he’ll say “I love you, too”. Sweet!

  6. Pamela Rose said,

    To quote M, I have a very good friend and our friendship goes beyond “traditional friendship boundaries” but is completely platonic. It is healing and physical intimacy for those we love and care about is the best way to express it, in a relationship or not. I support cuddle buddies!

  7. cshell said,

    Check out a site dedicated to folks feeling just like you.

  8. Cindy Denise said,

    I’m living my life as a solo poly (polyamorous) female. When I felt this strong urge to snuggle, I reached out and polled a few FACEBOOK friends who were also poly. My idea was to create a group of poly peeps who wanted to snuggle. That’s when my FB group PSB…Poly Snuggle Buddies was created. People join to find local people for “snuggle ups”. So far, I’ve had only one PSB snuggle up with one more scheduled for next month with a friend who traveling through my town.
    The first snuggle up went so well that my new friend and I have started talking each night and making plans outside of snuggling as supportive poly friends. WIN-WIN! ♡

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