March 29, 2011

Insecurities are all about YOU

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 8:35 am by Kathleen

If you are experiencing jealousy, there is a pretty good chance that it is an unfounded jealousy (if your partner is threatening to leave you, well, your jealousy is founded for sure, but you have bigger problems.) Jealousy is a sneaky and harmful emotion if you let it start to take over, and it can harm your relationships as well as both your and your partner’s happiness. But don’t look to your partner to make it go away (although maybe he or she can help). Your insecurity is the root of your jealousy, and that is something you have to examine and deal with on your own.

So how do you deal with it? When you feel jealousy, you are feeling your insecurities made manifest. You are, in essence, afraid that you may lose your partner to this other person because… why? In what way are they “better” than you? It’s time to step back as far as you can and objectively (I know it’s hard) look at what you think is so much better than you are. If you can do this yourself (“I’m afraid he’s more handsome, but we’re both good looking guys.”), cool. If you can’t, it’s time to involve your partner, not to bolster your self-esteem but to help you sort through what the new person may have/do better, what your own merits are over said person, and why these things are important to your partner.

The rest is all processing, I’m afraid. You have to examine your self-esteem flaws to death. You have to hold on to your trust of your partner, even when you feel like it’s killing you. Because in the end, the only one who can banish your jealousy and insecurity is… you.



  1. Liquor Quick said,

    I kept telling my husband things along these lines–that I love him, and I think he’s wonderful and I am not aiming to replace him! Sometimes, he still has Moments. But for the most part, he’s doing great. He knows he doesn’t have anything to be afraid of… but sometimes he is just afraid. I told him, it takes time… relax. We’ll get there.

  2. Dale said,

    i am 37 yr old man. i’ve been with my wife ‘in spirit’ for bout a yr 1/2 and we started the relationship with another woman in mind. we wanted three. now we’ve found her and we both agree she is our dream girl. i found myself completely sprung and smitten with this girl. and the NRE came fast and ferocious for me. i think i’m in love.
    my wife is watching me fall in love, has shared in its joy with me, she has been incuded intimately, yet she fears that the NRE i feel for our new partner has more intensity than our original NRE. i’ve tried to explain that i value the trust we have more than i do being sprung. there is still alot of fear mixed with the excitement i feel with a new love. and the loyalty we share is much more potent to me. yet i am in love and i ache to be with our new girl. and when i’m with my wife my energy is still with our new partner, i’m missing her. and i’m honest with my wife about that, we share everything. i am obviously striving to be here for my wife and focus on her and our time. yet she is finding herself worrying about the nights i wont be home, even though i’m right here with her at the time. she says that she is not worried about me leaving her, but about her learning how to not need me so much. she is worried the independance she is seeking may take from her adoration and need of me. that worries me too then lol. my question is at what point do just let my baby tough it out, and filter the pain. cuz my instincts are to fix it, cut ties with our new lover, and prove that i’m loyal. but that feels like quitting, and i’m invested now. not to mention the poor girl who found love with me, and my wife is now dragging her feet. she is left wondering and probably reevaluating who we are after all. we may lose her, and it’s killing me.
    i am new to poly life. poly was my wife’s idea. i am happy with monogamy, but this does make life much more fun i have to admit. it may be we are not suited for it, and i’m open to that too. thank you for the space, and advice would be appreciated…

    • Kathleen said,

      Hi Dale! What I would advise is a sit-down, not just with your wife, but with all three of you. It sounds like all of you have some serious fears to work out, and that is OKAY! What you need to be able to do is air these fears, acknowledge them both to yourselves and to each other, and then to decide on a course of action. Maybe you continue your relationship as normal with your new girlfriend, but plan to have a romantic evening once a month or once ever week or whatever works for you with your wife. Maybe your girlfriend and your wife need to spend more time together. Maybe your wife would feel more comfortable if you started a journal to express your NRE and didn’t quite gush so much about your new love around her.

      You and your wife are very important, of course, but your girlfriend needs to know that she is loved and valued as well, and that her feelings are still being held in trust while you and your wife smooth out the wrinkles. By naming your problems and brainstorming possible solutions together, you guys are all taking this from a scary adversarial thing between the three of you to an “us against the negativity” situation, and working as a team. I wish you and your two loves all the best!

  3. Dale said,

    thank you so much kathleen. it’s nice to have someone understanding to talk to. your site is blessed and has blessed me and my loves.

  4. lacey said,

    Hi there thank you very much for the info. I am struggling a little myself. Poly is new to us within the last 2 yrs and I feel overwhelmed from the constant learning coupled w fear.
    My insecurity is not jealousy per se but rather knowing I don’t meet up to par w what others can accomplish. I have ptsd and depression. I sometimes need more time to get things done that the typical house wife would do. I also have chronicpelvic pain due to cysts. For this reason sex isnt always easy for me but rather very painful at times. These were some of my reasons for seeking polyamory and ends up they may be reasons for me feeling Iinsecure abt poly amory. If my husband found a woman who was more capable more readily able to meet his needs not just physically but on a responsibility level, I fear losing him.
    We have tried physical relationships together. However most of the interactions have been me independantly of him. I was raised in a faith where being bisexual is wrong. I have never felt guilt over this but I do feel bad for being so fearful of losing him when he has allowed me to be so free. He says my concerns are not a big deal to him that I have no reason to fear but he has threatened to leave because of my ptsd in the past. He himself is afraid to do anuthing w women because he does struggle w guilt due to the faith we were raised in.
    I wonder if we should stop polyamory all together. His wishy washyness abt it all makes me feel unstable and my fears and constant self discovery is a lot to handle. I could use some input as well. Thank you!

    • Kathleen said,

      I wouldn’t say you should necessarily stop having poly relationships if they make you happy, but I would really advise both of you to do some serious soul searching, possibly with a poly friendly counselor, to really understand what is motivating you toward poly and what hangups are still dragging you down. Your low feelings of self worth are the problem, and your husband’s communication issues (or so it seems), the poly is only forcing you to examine them. So do it. Examine away. It will hurt and it will suck and then it will be amazing. Ask me how I know. 😉

  5. vidyutkale said,

    This is not necessarily true. In my experience at least one time insecurity happened over a relationship that progressed rather rapidly and threatened to be destructive for all concerned with time. The insecurity was born from a deep sense of wrongness about what was happening. Working with it is paramount. Dismissing it as a flaw is unwise. Founded or not.

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