February 10, 2012

Lesbian Married to a Straight Man

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 11:14 am by Kathleen

My husband and I have a great relationship. We’re best friends, we talk about everything and communicate freely, and over the past decade we’ve grown to be a part of one another as integral as an arm or a leg. I can’t imagine what life would be like without him.

So it was uncomfortable and scary when we sat down and he told me that he didn’t think we should have sex anymore. Let me back up a little: we used to have sex a LOT. This was tied to my personal insecurities. On a subconscious level, the more we did it, the more he was tied to me. So I was always ready to go. But as I got past a lot of my issues and he helped me break through barriers in my heart and mind, beating back depression and self esteem issues and building me up as a whole person along the way… that drive for sex diminished until, over the last few years, it has vanished entirely. I am just not interested in sex, at all. I’ve tried “fake it until you make it”, but although I don’t find intercourse repulsive, I also don’t find it rewarding, even when I reach the, uh, pinnacle of the event. I keep a mental note of when we last did it so I know to give in to advances if it’s been more than a week or so, and, well, it was sort of getting transactional and icky for both of us.

So Michael sat me down and told me that he was frustrated and hurt with feeling like he was obliged to make the moves on me, but getting turned away more often than not, and I really can’t fault him for that. He said that if he isn’t being rebuffed, that we just go on the assumption that there is no sex, that’s something he could live with. We talked it out, I cried and felt like a horrible wife, and we decided to give it a trial run for the month of February. And then he closed with something that shocked me: “I’m like 90% sure you’re a lesbian, anyway.”

I don’t know why that should shock me. I know I like sex with women, I do NOT like sex with my amazing husband, even when it fulfills me physically, and the idea of other guys’ penises (peni?) just squicks me out something awful. I was once playing with a male sub and got precum on my hand, and had to do the “YUCKYYUCKYYUCKY” dance while his back was turned because I was so grossed out. Hell, I even SAY, on a regular basis, “I am a lesbian and Michael is an exception. ”

So, yeah, the lesbian thing probably shouldn’t have shocked me. But it did… because even though I joke about it, I have never really accepted that I am anything but bi. After all, if I’m gay, then I’m the ultimate failure as a wife, right? And if there’s no sex, there’s no marriage, right? Michael is currently helping me to prove both of those things wrong this month. There has actually been MORE intimacy with us because I am not afraid anymore that if I snuggle him or kiss him or even do a little flirty groping I will have to put out. And so far he says he is happy with our arrangement, even without intercourse.

It’s going to be a long road to figuring things out, but I think I can say with pretty good certainty that I am indeed a lesbian (in a SUPER confusing situation!) And I’m married, quite happily, to my straight male husband. Life is interesting. Life is good.





  1. househo said,

    Wow! What a revelation! You definitely have an amazing hubby and glad you have him to help you find your way.

    • Kathleen said,

      Trust me, I am both glad and grateful! And I’ve had tremendous energy all month so far, too. I guess all of the energy I expended hiding my sexuality from myself and my reticence from both of us has been freed up to go elsewhere. Like work! And side projects! Hooray!

      • Daniela Schmidt said,

        hey Kat, i was looking for the subject and found this page. Do you still use it? im from brazil, and kind of in a similar situation, but im still about to marry. Do you think we could exchance some email and you tell me a litle more about how is it going? thank you so much

  2. Good luck on your journey. Having traveled it personally I can tell you that pain And many tears are likely in store for the both of you. However, this really is light at the other end along with peace, joy and love. I would highly recomend finding an open-minded couples therapist to guide the difficult discussions and facilitate the communications that beed to occur. A couple of books that were quite helpful to my ex-wife and I are “When husbands come out of the closet” and “The other side of the closet”. -James Pate

    • Kathleen said,

      I can understand why you would think that, but I’m pretty sure we’re okay. We’re best friends and partners in every way, and although he is living celibately (and not unhappily so) right now, we ARE poly and we each have the option to reach out to other lovers later. We’ve never had trouble with extremely open and honest communication, and I don’t see it becoming a problem.

      • It sounds like you have things well discussed and are both happy. I am happy for you. Thanks for the update!

  3. Leela said,

    hm to be honest it sounds more like you have a phobia to the penis rather then being a lesbian. and if you do have that phobea its called phallophobia. Here is a question for you. are you physically attracted to your husband as well as men? meaning do you find your husband attractive? do you find other men attractive?
    at one point you said you two were very sexually active? what happen? do you think you might be sick of the open relationship. because in all honesty, i think knowing that you man is fucking other women can take the intimacy out of your sex life. and while you say its ok, being woman, i think we are far more attracted and attached to the emotional aspect of sex then men are.
    Currently what is the status of your poly relationship? is he still seeing Becky? are you seeing a man or woman? To me, and I know I don’t know everything about you and your husband, but to me this doesn’t sound like that much of a intimate relationship. I mean how could it be, if there are other partners?

    in·ti·mate [ínt?m?t]
    1. close: having, involving, or resulting from a close personal relationship
    2. cozy: quiet and private or secluded, enabling people to feel relaxed with each other
    3. private and personal: so private and personal as to be kept secret or discussed only with a close friend or relative

    As you can see by definition intimate, means close and private. How private can it be with more then one lover? And I know that poly relationship can be intimate yet I don’t really get that feeling when I read your blogs. More then once you have stated that you feel like the odd man out. How can this be? If your relationship is intimate? Either way I don’t think you’re a lasbian because you used to enjoy sex with him before. Something happened. I think you both need to dig deep and figure out what it was.
    one last question, you say your Bi or at least you thought you were bi…yet a Bisexual person once told me, ‘If you can not picture yourself falling in love with both sexes, and being able to be happy with just that one of them, just as much as you are with another sex. Meaning you can be fulfilled sexually, emotionally and everything by either sex. If you can not say you can, then you are not bisexual. Being Bisexual mean more then being sexually attracted to both sexes. It mean you can be in love with either one as well, and not yearn or want for anything outside of that relationship. Again being able to be intimate with that one person.
    So to be honest I think you and your husband are just having the typical intimacy issues that most married couples go through, depending on how long they have been together. Well I hope this comment helps as I’m pretty such I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been there, (meaning I’ve been in a relationship, that I no longer want to have sex with…not the bi thing or poly thing lol). Either way talk about it, and try to push through because its obvious that you love this man. You wouldn’t let him fuck other women if you didn’t.

  4. Kirk said,

    Ever tried cuckolding your hubby with other women?

    • Kathleen said,

      No. For one thing, I never top him. For another, that would require him to feel the least bit jealous or diminished by my desire for another woman, and he doesn’t.

  5. dan said,

    i had a 6 month relationship with a lesbian woman and i found with intercourse off the table other intimacy was intensified…it is like a blindfold forces you to reach out with your other senses and they are intensified.. i loved indulging in kissing her beautiful full lips and tracing her lines with my nose, holding hands etc. as an end point and not just a means to an end. this did wind us up and i have heard Q: “what is the difference between light and hard” A: “you can sleep with the light on”. i felt hugely respected and trusted that she would share this all with me in spite of her having being abused. when highly honest and articulate communication is combined with high levels of conscious self awareness, amazing things are possible in the volatile mine field of human relationships. that relationship has led me to a ‘male lesbian’ consciousness….indulging in oxytosin biochemistry

    • Kathleen said,

      That’s very interesting! I’m surprised and intrigued that a lesbian would accept a NEW relationship with a man if she already knew she was a lesbian, but it sounds like it was a great experience for both of you. You’re very right in that other types of intimacy have been intensified between my husband and me, whether that is snuggling, teasing, or just talking. Thanks for commenting!

  6. Jenny said,

    Hi Kathleen,

    I am in a similar situation as you and, unlike you, I am having a VERY hard time figuring myself out. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 4 of them. We met in college and have been through so much together: living in another country for two years, having the same career. I truely feel we are best friends. I enjoy snuggling, holding hands, and I truely love him. I do enjoy sex with him physically and emotionally and I ALWAYS orgasm.

    It’s just that I’ve noticed lately that my fantasies about women are so much stronger than my sexual feelings for men. Until recently, I’d never considered the possibility of being with another woman, sexually or emotionally. Looking back, I realize now that I’ve had fantasies about women since I was little, but it just never crossed my mind that women were an option, even in college when I had lesbian friends. I suppose I just didn’t pay attention to those female fantasies because I have never had a “crush” on another woman in real life. I have very few female friends, I’ve always felt more emotionally attracted to men and my relationships with men have always felt great – not weird or like anything was missing.

    Two years ago, I started really paying attention to my female fantasies because they started getting pretty strong. Then I started wondering if I might be happier with a woman. Well, that planted the seed of doubt and I have had very bad anxiety and guilt about these feelings since then. Because I feel sexually more attracted to women, am I a lesbian? Would I be happier with a woman? What if I’ve made the wrong decision about being with a man? What if the grass is greener?

    I have tried to undertake the role of “lesbian” in my head. You know, in an effort to accept that I might be a lesbian. But when I’ve done that, I still find myself trying to be attractive to men. I also find that I still enjoy sex with my husband and that I have NO INTEREST in ever being with a woman in a relationship (being actually in LOVE with a woman just sounds bizarre)….but the nagging question is that maybe if I had sex with a woman I might fall in love with her and REALLY REALLY be happy. Am i just with my husband because I’m afraid to leave him? Ahh, and the questions just keep coming…for two years…and there don’t seem to be any answers.

    I told my husband about all these things and he has refused to discuss them with me anymore. He feels betrayed, like I deceived him and he’s just too scared of me leaving him, so he says I’m not allowed to talk to him about it until I “figure out what i want”.

    I am seeing a therapist but still feel just as confused as ever.

    • Kathleen said,

      Bisexuality doesn’t mean that you are necessarily equally attracted to people of both genders, just that you are attracted to people of both genders. If your husband is unwilling to even discuss it, then there probably isn’t much you can legitimately do to explore this revealed aspect of your sexuality.

      If you love your husband and want to continue to be with him, then I would definitely not advise you to throw things with him away just to see what’s on the other side of the road.

    • Sarah said,

      Jenny, reading your words I feel like you are speaking my own. I too have struggled for year with my own sexuality and sadly feel like I have only discovered myself since being married. My husband is fantastic and I love him dearly. We are best friends in every way and our sex life is wonderful but if I had my choice I would have sex with women, not men. I do not want to leave my husband or break up my family ever but selfishly I desperately want to have my cake and eat it too. You are not alone.

  7. Tera said,

    I think I always knew that I liked women, so when I met my husband when I was 17 and he was starting his senior year of high school, I did not understand why I loved him so much. We lived together from 1992 to 1997 and got married in 1998.

    I have 20 + years of my life invested in this man. He is the only man I have ever loved. He knows I am gay and we have looked for a triad relationship with a bi-female but only had one person that we both really felt something for, but they met someone closer to them. We really do not have a sexual relationship and he loves me so he tries to understand. But it is not fair to either of us.

    We have 4 fur kids that mean the world to us, they are our kids. Never had children.

    Lately, I have been thinking about finding others like me nearby to connect with or fellow lesbians that understand where I am coming from. Some can be very harsh and not understand why a lesbian ever would be married to a man. In the 33541 area, email me.
    Any advice? Thanks for your support.

  8. waites said,

    I am a husband married to a lesbian. Yes, we talk and both try to take care of each other. Last weekend she rubbed me, this weekend she is staying at her girlfriends vacation home. The issue is not only related to sex. My wife has to speak with girlfriend in the morning when she gets up and before she goes to bed. When we are out at night with family or friends and driving home in the car, she will tell me I have to make a phone call. We could just have had an enjoyable evening, and that phone call will makes me feel like I am worthless to her.

    • Kathleen said,

      It sounds like you need to do a little MORE communicating. Does she know that her daily calls to her girlfriend make you feel worthless (and this sounds like a new relationship to me — do you know about NRE?) You both need a frank talk about your feelings, but before you sit down to talk… remind her to turn her phone off. 🙂

  9. waites said,

    Just now reading your comments. We spoke last evening and early this morning. Yes, she is aware how I feel. I told her the saying “Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are” has much truth.Her relationship with this woman is new, about 18 months. Understand, I did not discourage her. She had told me two years ago how frustrated she was with sex. My wife says she wishes she could please me but does not like sex with me.She felt she needed a woman. We had many frustrating years over what I could touch, no kissing, etc.. My concern though was if she found someone it would develop beyond sex. It has. She says she is not in love with her and still loves me. The relationship with her friend is tough to deal with, but that is only part of the equation. Another part is the double life she leads. Most of the women she spends time with besides our close friends, are either lesbian couples or singles no longer in a relationship. Our family and friends do not know the double life. I do not want to separate and be responsible for destroying the bonds we have built. You should know we are married 38 years. We began dating in high school. We have two adult boys and one grandson. I am not looking for another woman. She says I am her best friend. The talk ended with her saying the evening calls would stop. We still have a long way to go. Thanks for listening and your reply.

  10. Ron said,

    I am a straight man married to a bisexual (mostly les) woman. I have done a lot of reading, more than she has, actually, and I believe it is possible to be heteroromantic and homoerotic at the same time, or however you would put it, because everyone is different and sexuality is fluid in a lot of people. If, hypothetically, my wife were to say she no longer wanted to have sex with me, but stay as my wife and best friend, while having sexual intimacy with another woman or women, I think I would be perfectly OK with that. Of course you never know until it happens, but that’s what I believe.

    • blainet2014 said,

      Interesting. I am in exactly the same situation and feel the same way.

  11. Noel said,

    Thank you for posting this…. I am so happy knowing I’m not alone :’)

  12. dcx2 said,

    I once went through something similar to the author’s husband. I found that if I didn’t have intercourse for a month or so, I could let go of it. But I was a different person…less excited, I felt dead on the inside without the affection and intimacy.

    I hope it worked out for you. I know it wouldn’t work out for me. Reading some of these comments, I’m actually scared what it will be like in 10 or 20 years.

    • Kathleen said,

      I’m very sorry that your ex felt that no sex also meant no intimacy. I assure you that my husband and I remain close, playful, snuggly, and otherwise share intimacies and physical closeness.

  13. Hypatia said,

    I just read this post – the first I’ve read on your blog – and I love it! You are amazingly honest with yourself.

  14. Thank you for sharing this. ❤
    It almost exactly mirrors my life right now.
    It's so good to know that I'm not alone.

  15. Jack said,

    I’m in the same boat. My wife is lesbian – I knew she had dated women prior to me, but we fell in love and remain so. She thought she was bi, but as time passes, it is very recognizable that she is Lesbian – and I’m fine with that.

    The OP’s post is pretty much what happened in our relationship. We have always communicated, and try to make sure we touch base at least once a month, if not once a week to ensure that nothing has changed, or that rules have changed. Just recently our agreement has expanded to where I am looking for a female partner as well – however, the one thing that we always ensure each other know, as well as our external partners know, is that our relationship – and each other – always comes first.

    Also, I find it very interesting that, like other posters, we are a lot more flirty and connected now then when we were worrying about what was going on, etc. Honesty is very cleansing, and good for the soul. And absolutely mandatory in every relationship… maybe a bit more in this type.

    Thanks for sharing Kathleen.

  16. brassyhub said,

    Married 30 plus years, no children. Three years ago, my wife came out to herself and to me as a lesbian. But she’s not looking elsewhere – and neither am I. But she can feel absolutely no desire for me (hugs, snuggles and the odd kiss, OK), so a low-sex marriage has become a no-sex one. I wish there was some way out/forward together that allowed for some sexual intimacy. But it seems that there isn’t. So we enjoy all the other good things that we share together. But this important part of who and what we are seems to bear a curse.

    • Kathleen said,

      I’m very sorry that you both seem to feel that way about her sexuality. It is definitely a challenging situation, particularly for a monogamous couple, and I hope that whatever else happens you remain honest with yourselves and with each other about your feelings and needs. Much love and good luck to you both.

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