March 21, 2012

Don’t Tell Gay People They Aren’t Gay

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:33 pm by Kathleen

Hi Leela,

I was just going to ignore your comment, but upon careful reading it seems to me that you were trying to actually be helpful, not snide, so I decided to write back to you.

So, to address your first pop-psychology diagnosis:

hm to be honest it sounds more like you have a phobia to the penis rather then being a lesbian. and if you do have that phobea its called phallophobia.

I don’t know where you got this idea, since I’ve never stated that I am afraid of penises. Far from it. I’ve watched and enjoyed m/m gay porn (I’d love to know what diagnosis that might net me in your book!), and I still sometimes touch or stroke my husband’s penis because I enjoy the feel. If he’s lucky he even gets a happy ending. 😉 However, I am almost instantly turned stone cold OFF by the idea of inserting said penis of the man I love into my body. Trust me, this has been frustrating for me, but it isn’t a matter of not loving or being intimate with my husband, it just does NOT appeal to fuck him. Or any man. In fact, penises attached to men who are NOT my beloved husband tend to seriously gross me out if I have to touch them. No scare, just icky.

Here is a question for you. are you physically attracted to your husband as well as men? meaning do you find your husband attractive? do you find other men attractive?

Yes. And NO! I think my husband is handsome. I think other men are nice to look at sometimes. If I try to imagine kissing them, it’s almost the same kind of grossout factor I get if I picture kissing my brother. (Note: I meant kissing strange men. I actually still enjoy kissing my husband because I love him, but it doesn’t turn me on at all.)

I just wanted to take this moment, by the way, to say that I am super offended by someone else (who I have never met or even spoken to!!) trying to tell me whether I am gay or not. For future reference, that’s really, really bad manners.

at one point you said you two were very sexually active? what happen? do you think you might be sick of the open relationship. because in all honesty, i think knowing that you man is fucking other women can take the intimacy out of your sex life. and while you say its ok, being woman, i think we are far more attracted and attached to the emotional aspect of sex then men are.

I covered this in the post you are replying to, but since you didn’t get it, I will touch on it again, here. First of all, I’m 26 and only figuring out I’m gay. That indicates a certain level of repression, which is not surprising (entirely) considering the number of other things I’ve suppressed from my rocky childhood. Let’s say unintentional emotional abuse/damage and leave it there. Part of this damage involved some abandonment issues, and I used sex as a tool (subconsciously; this was not intentional manipulative behavior) to bind my husband to me. In a way, the inner logic was probably something like this: “The more we have sex the more he’ll want me and owe me, and then he won’t want to leave me!”

We spent YEARS working on these mental/psychological traumas. Painful, hard, tearful work that resulted in my mental health and self-esteem improving steadily. And my sex drive declined in what we now see was almost PERFECT proportion. The less I needed sex as an offering, a tool, or a bargaining chip, the less I wanted it. At least with my (male) husband. And yet I kept having it because I felt like as his wife I owed it to him. I didn’t HATE it, exactly, it just did nothing for me, even when I came. (And don’t tell me I haven’t had a real orgasm.)

Currently what is the status of your poly relationship? is he still seeing Becky? are you seeing a man or woman? To me, and I know I don’t know everything about you and your husband, but to me this doesn’t sound like that much of a intimate relationship. I mean how could it be, if there are other partners?

Again, if you had continued reading you would have seen that his relationship with Becky ended when she went wacko about six months in. I have been on a handful of first dates with men, but couldn’t get really interested in any of them (for reasons that I hope are obvious by now.) I had one VERY fulfilling one-day fling with a female friend about two years ago. That is the last time either of us had sex outside of each other. Not because we can’t, but because we’re very happy together and it takes someone really special to make either of us want to go there with someone else.

in·ti·mate [ínt?m?t]
1. close: having, involving, or resulting from a close personal relationship
2. cozy: quiet and private or secluded, enabling people to feel relaxed with each other
3. private and personal: so private and personal as to be kept secret or discussed only with a close friend or relative

As you can see by definition intimate, means close and private. How private can it be with more then one lover? And I know that poly relationship can be intimate yet I don’t really get that feeling when I read your blogs. More then once you have stated that you feel like the odd man out. How can this be? If your relationship is intimate? Either way I don’t think you’re a lasbian because you used to enjoy sex with him before. Something happened. I think you both need to dig deep and figure out what it was.

Intimate means close OR private. Not both at the same time. To drive this point home, I invite you to look up the word “stool”. One definition applies at a time. Sorry, you fail. Our relationship is and always has been close. Otherwise called “intimate”. It’s pretty obvious from your comment that you just skimmed my blog but did not read in depth, or you would have seen some of the reasons for my feeling like the “odd woman out” in Michael’s relationship with Becky (which was a combination of getting used to the idea of people poly, having to do a lot of processing, and Michael behaving a little irrationally, which he has since recognized and thinks he can correct). And for the record, what I enjoyed about sex with him in the beginning was likely the sense of security it gave me, like hugging a blankie.

one last question, you say your Bi or at least you thought you were bi…yet a Bisexual person once told me, ‘If you can not picture yourself falling in love with both sexes, and being able to be happy with just that one of them, just as much as you are with another sex. Meaning you can be fulfilled sexually, emotionally and everything by either sex. If you can not say you can, then you are not bisexual. Being Bisexual mean more then being sexually attracted to both sexes. It mean you can be in love with either one as well, and not yearn or want for anything outside of that relationship. Again being able to be intimate with that one person.

Since you like official definitions, here’s the definition for bisexual:

bi·sex·u·al [bahy-sek-shoo-uhl]



Biology .

a.of both sexes.

b.combining male and female organs in one individual; hermaphroditic.


sexually responsive to both sexes; ambisexual.

For the record, the definition we’re using here is #2 (because, as you now know, only one definition needs apply.) Amusingly, I do not fit the definition of bisexual not because of a lack of ability for romantic feelings (I am in love with my husband – he’s that awesome), but because I am not SEXUALLY attracted to him. Romantically AND sexually, I can only see myself falling for a woman.

So to be honest I think you and your husband are just having the typical intimacy issues that most married couples go through, depending on how long they have been together. Well I hope this comment helps as I’m pretty such I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been there, (meaning I’ve been in a relationship, that I no longer want to have sex with…not the bi thing or poly thing lol). Either way talk about it, and try to push through because its obvious that you love this man. You wouldn’t let him fuck other women if you didn’t.

I’m sorry, I know you mean well, but I am so truly offended. Do you want to know where I was before I wrote this blog post? I spent two hours in bed with my husband, snuggling, giggling, and holding each other while talking about our days. There may also have been a tickle or two. That’s pretty normal for us, and the fact that I am not sexually attracted to him hurts and bothers me way more than it does him. I know this because – since we are so intimate – we talk very regularly about how we are both feeling and handling things with regard to this revelation. Well, and with regard to pretty much everything else in our lives.

Please, please don’t go around telling people they aren’t gay.



  1. Leela said,

    You have no idea how sorry I am. I really meant no harm. It seems that number one I haven’t read enough of your blogs, as I am new to them. I think I’ve read 4 tonight. And number two I suppose I was simply putting my life experiences on you. I hope that you will understand, that I was truly only trying to help as well and open the door for conversation as I find that’s what blogging does.

    I wasn’t trying to be smart, smug, or insult you in any shape or form. I like to think I have a pretty open mind when it comes to different ways of expressing love. And I admire anything that is against the social norm. because not only is it interesting but it’s taboo as well as brave for individuals who go against, what society clams to be “normal”.

    I once had a small fear of the male reproductive organ when I was younger. It wasn’t bad or anything I just couldn’t look at it or touch it. Yet as I matured I found myself finding it appealing. Likewise when I was younger I thought that I might be Bi, because I do find women’s bodies attractive, but I would never see myself truly fulfilled by a woman..

    I just thought that I met a kindred spirit in you. Again I apologize and yes your right telling someone they are not gay is rude. Though I did not realize it. In my experience many ppl who claim to be gay usually find out that they were not. Again, I can not tell you how sorry I am for offending you, and I hope that we can move pasted this and be cool. Because there is so much that I am interested in, and I feel like you and your blog could educated me so much in said topics.

  2. Kathleen said,

    Thank you, Leela, that’s very big of you and I do appreciate your sticking around to apologize.

    I have never met someone who claimed to be gay and figured out they were not, although I do know a lot of gay people. It’s not generally something people claim lightly because of the stigma involved.

    You’re welcome to continue to read, learn, and comment, and hopefully in the future we can both avoid judging one another, because I do know I reacted a bit strongly to what you posted.


  3. Danny said,

    I read your blog then followed the link to here. Weve been married over 20 years and my wife has lesbian fantasies but wont act on them when the opportunity arises. Unlike some of the husbands mentioned in the responses on your blog I have no problem with her yearning for a gay experience. I believe those husbands are stuck in ‘control’ mode.

    • Kathleen said,

      Possibly, but some people are just not wired for polyamory, and that is okay, too. Sharing, and being able to tolerate or deal with any feelings of jealousy that arise… those things can be hard!

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