March 9, 2008

What Happened Next

Posted in Becky tagged , , , , , , at 8:03 pm by Kathleen

The last time I talked about Michael and Becky, I was talking about a date that they had at the park near our home. The next time we saw her was at her birthday party, and I had a two week old baby at that point. I spent most of the evening taking care of him, so I didn’t really do much, but there wasn’t much going on. I watched them snuggle up during a group coversation for a while, then got a little bored and wandered off, where I met a nice guy who seemed interesting. We spent a while chatting before the night was through. I was having a very horny evening, but we hadn’t clarified rules on sex and there wasn’t really a place for it anyway, so I was under tight control. Michael and I stayed at a hotel that night, and headed the rest of the way home the next morning.

Their next date was at her house, about one month later, and Michael spent the night. It was odd for me, being all alone in the house, and I had also had the baby by then, I think. The timeline is a little fuzzy months later. I was pleased with how OK I was overnight. It was a good evening.

They didn’t have sex, but they did sleep naked and did some fooling around. Michael talked to me about it later. I didn’t mind hearing about it, and had only a moment of jealousy, which made me happy. I like that I have come to be able to control myself so well. Their NEXT date was almost two months later, and came about as a surprise to Michael from me. I planned with Becky to have her drive down one evening. I was going to make dinner for all of us, then go to my parents’ house to watch movies and give them alone time. All they had to do was put the baby to sleep.

From the moment that Becky got there, the NRE took over and I kind of became invisible. Neither of them was in the mood for what I had planned to cook, so we ordered a pizza. I would say that “we” hung out, but it was really me talking to them while they snuggled and made out. I don’t blame them, exactly, I know, for one, that Michael had been really missing her lately and that he was very surprised and caught up in the moment. He also didn’t know what I was planning. I fed the baby, pouting and irritated, I admit, and put him to bed, then left.

I was almost through with the first movie (one that I had actually wanted to see for a while, YAY!) when they called. Apparently the baby had woken up soon after I left, and was still crying. They wanted me to come home. I told them I would be home in about a half an hour, finished the movie, and went.

When I got home, I came in the back door and saw that the lights were off. The baby was half-wrapped in a blanket lying on an easy chair screaming. Michael and Becky were standing in front of him making out. The story that I got afterward was that they had only just paused from entertaining him, but it was not a pretty sight to be greeted with. I took him upstairs without a word, and Becky suggested to Michael that he go with me. I walked upstairs, turned into the bedroom, and suddenly felt like a fist had hit me in the gut. There were candles lit above our bed, and a bra hanging from the bedpost. I blinked, took a breath, and continued to take care of the baby. The baby’s diaper was dirty, and being a brand new dad, Michael hadn’t even thought of checking it. He really felt terrible.

We talked later about rules, after Michael had gone down to say goodnight to Becky. I had originally said that our bed was ours, but I had said that our house was ours, too, and then let him go downstairs to snuggle naked with Becky the morning of the last time she had stayed over. So many of the rules had changed that neither of us had thought about the rules that had not. I think I cried some that night, and he held me and comforted me. It was hard, but ok. The next morning he asked to go down to her, and I let him.

I listened at the stairs for a while, knowing that neither of them would mind. I guess I was just trying to eroticize the moans and gasps that I heard coming from Becky, and to some extent I did, but it was also a little disturbing. I eventually shut the door and went back to bed, but I couldn’t sleep and I felt trapped in the bedroom. He eventually came back up to tell me that it was safe to come down again. He said “I’m down a condom,” sounding excited and pleased to tell me. I was happy for him, but I still felt like I had been punched for the second time. All I said was “I figured”, and we all had breakfast together before she left.

Later that day brought a BIG fight, but you’ll have to come back tomorrow to find out why.

Blessings,

Kathleen

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March 5, 2008

Can Poly People Cheat?

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 10:42 am by Kathleen

It might seem like a silly question.  I mean, if you are poly, then there can be no cheating, right?  This is entirely false, and I will show you why.

When you enter into a poly relationship, you hopefully do so with the consent and the knowledge of all those involved.  When you find a new girlfriend, you do not “forget” to tell her about your wife, nor do you remove your wedding ring when you head to the bar.  For unmarried couples who are getting into poly, these same rules apply.  To do otherwise is deceptive to the person that is kept in the dark.

Let me make it clear, also, that if you are having sex with other people and your partner does not know… this is not poly, it is cheating.  Trying to dress it up with a legitimate label is false, and it sure won’t save your butt when you get caught.

That said, it is also important to know that poly relationships differ from each other.  My husband and I are fluid bonded (obviously), but we are not allowed within our relationship to have unprotected sex with other people.  If I were to go enjoy some fellow, everything would be find in our world.  If I did so without a condom, it would be a violation of his trust, and would be considered cheating.  Some couples require that sex only be engaged in when both members of the couple are present with the third (or more).  Some prefer that their partner inform them at least 24 hours before they have a date.  Some require permission before anyone is allowed to enjoy another person physically.

Whatever the limits of the poly relationship, breaking those limits is a betrayal of trust and, yes, it is cheating.  Some people even cheat on purpose, perhaps seeing the person that they care for but that their primary partner does not approve of.  In poly, trust and respect are very important, and cheating is a devastating betrayal of trust to which even we are not immune.

March 2, 2008

My Side

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , at 4:07 pm by Kathleen

I’ve heard a bit from people about how unfair it is that my husband gets a girlfriend, and I am still only with him.  In fact, this is not because he has in any way restricted me.  I have had several interests since the entire poly adventure began, none of which have panned out.  One gentleman, an old friend rediscovered, was busy chasing a girl who was playing hard to get.  A man that I met last September emailed me a few times, then confessed that although I seemed very mature, he was subject to age bias and didn’t want to date me (okaaaaay…).  By the way, that one has since started pursuing me, but his comment rather threw my interest.  Another interest lives all the way across the country, and his girlfriend has decided that they need to focus on each other for a while.  He and I are very close friends, and that is where it will stay, at least for now.

I also have a crush on a guy who teaches a class that I enjoy, but I really don’t think he’s available, cute as he is.  And so, you can plainly see that I have had several opportunities, but that there are simply no actual openings before me quite yet.  Since we have a kidlet, picking up strangers in public places is not typically possible (men run from women with babies), so I am and have been mostly content to sit and wait.

There is a poly conference coming up this summer, and I have dedicated a fund to taking that trip with my husband and meeting other lovely poly people.

February 26, 2008

Polyamory is not Swinging

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , at 12:02 am by Kathleen

I don’t feel like writing today, so I guess it is a test of my determination to post every day. If you are reading, please comment… I really would like to know that I am not talking into a void.

So, poly vs. swinging…

When I first got started, I had NO IDEA what swinging even was. I had to have a friend explan it to me, but I promise that I have since done a bit of learning on my own.

Swinging refers to having casual sexual encounters within an established relationship. This means that you may be married, but you and your spouse are both okay with sexual encounters with others as long as those encounters remain purely sexual in nature. (Please note that I said “you AND your spouse”. Swinging without your SO’s permission is cheating, which is an entirely different topic.

Swinging pretty much excludes relationships that go beyond casual, with people preferring to keep the intimacy of an actual relationship within their primary relationship, and to allow something fun, like sex, with others.

This is great for people who can separate sex from their emotions, but not a few people tend to become a little more attached after a sexual encounter. There are also people who want to experience other kinds of intimacy outside of their primary relationship, including emotional intimacy, which does not fall under the swinging category.

This is where poly comes in, folks. Polyamory means “more than one love”, and although that term is used broadly, it generally refers to many different kinds of “open” relationships. A poly couple can call themselves poly, and still never have outside sex, since emotional intimacy and “being in love” do not have to include sexual activity. So if swinging is all about the body, then you could say that poly is all about the heart. That is not to say that there are not poly people out there who just want lots of sex. There probably are, but in general, that sex is with close friends or a circle of “fuck buddies”, who provide affection at the very least.

I know that this is really vague, but going into poly in depth is rather difficult because there is no clear definition. There are “fluid bonded” relationships, in which the group is allowed to have sex with their own group, but not with outsiders (or they are required to use protection with outsiders), there are poly families, which may raise children in a household with several parents, and there are poly couples that experiment outside of their primary relationship. Some poly people only experiment together with their partners, while others venture out on their own to enjoy life separately. Poly has as many definitions as there are poly people out there.

Blessings,

~Kathleen