February 10, 2012
My husband and I have a great relationship. We’re best friends, we talk about everything and communicate freely, and over the past decade we’ve grown to be a part of one another as integral as an arm or a leg. I can’t imagine what life would be like without him.
So it was uncomfortable and scary when we sat down and he told me that he didn’t think we should have sex anymore. Let me back up a little: we used to have sex a LOT. This was tied to my personal insecurities. On a subconscious level, the more we did it, the more he was tied to me. So I was always ready to go. But as I got past a lot of my issues and he helped me break through barriers in my heart and mind, beating back depression and self esteem issues and building me up as a whole person along the way… that drive for sex diminished until, over the last few years, it has vanished entirely. I am just not interested in sex, at all. I’ve tried “fake it until you make it”, but although I don’t find intercourse repulsive, I also don’t find it rewarding, even when I reach the, uh, pinnacle of the event. I keep a mental note of when we last did it so I know to give in to advances if it’s been more than a week or so, and, well, it was sort of getting transactional and icky for both of us.
So Michael sat me down and told me that he was frustrated and hurt with feeling like he was obliged to make the moves on me, but getting turned away more often than not, and I really can’t fault him for that. He said that if he isn’t being rebuffed, that we just go on the assumption that there is no sex, that’s something he could live with. We talked it out, I cried and felt like a horrible wife, and we decided to give it a trial run for the month of February. And then he closed with something that shocked me: “I’m like 90% sure you’re a lesbian, anyway.”
I don’t know why that should shock me. I know I like sex with women, I do NOT like sex with my amazing husband, even when it fulfills me physically, and the idea of other guys’ penises (peni?) just squicks me out something awful. I was once playing with a male sub and got precum on my hand, and had to do the “YUCKYYUCKYYUCKY” dance while his back was turned because I was so grossed out. Hell, I even SAY, on a regular basis, “I am a lesbian and Michael is an exception. ”
So, yeah, the lesbian thing probably shouldn’t have shocked me. But it did… because even though I joke about it, I have never really accepted that I am anything but bi. After all, if I’m gay, then I’m the ultimate failure as a wife, right? And if there’s no sex, there’s no marriage, right? Michael is currently helping me to prove both of those things wrong this month. There has actually been MORE intimacy with us because I am not afraid anymore that if I snuggle him or kiss him or even do a little flirty groping I will have to put out. And so far he says he is happy with our arrangement, even without intercourse.
It’s going to be a long road to figuring things out, but I think I can say with pretty good certainty that I am indeed a lesbian (in a SUPER confusing situation!) And I’m married, quite happily, to my straight male husband. Life is interesting. Life is good.