Letter to my Father

April 10, 2008

Letter to my Father

So, I was on a “date” with my dad last night, and I accidentally mentioned the ex screwing up.  Explaining out of context made the ex sound like a real prick, and I felt bad about essentially keeping secrets since my dad and I have this grown up relationship where we talk about stuff like sex from time to time.  I have wanted to tell him for a while, so I talked to  him about poly and even about BDSM.  It was hard, but good, and he took it really well, telling me that I am a big girl and can do what I want.  He also feels that I MAY have pushed a self destruct button on the marriage, and that this fact puts the baby at risk.  I wrote him the following letter:

Believe it or not, Michael and I have done a great deal of thinking about how this choice will affect Michael and how it will affect our family, and something that I know for a fact is that even if Michael were not totally dedicated to me (and I to him), he is also absolutely dedicated to his family, and that means to the baby.  As much as jealousy and mistrust can blow up in your face with poly relationships, trust and communication can make them, if hard work, still a terrific thing.  We have always talked about crushes that we’ve had on other people, etc., but now we are allowed within the rules of our relationship to act on such feelings if either of us wants.  We have clear boundaries for when/where/how, and rules for who has to meet the spouse (which would be anyone the other wants to date regularly).  We EVEN plan on getting an STD and HIV screen every 6 months when either of us is sexually active (and 6 months after) with other people.  I know you don’t really think poly “works”, you said as much when I talked to you about Becky and her triad, but if I were to date some other guy, it would not mean that I am in any way less devoted to Michael.  In fact, a guy friend kissed me a few months back, and I came home feeling even closer to Michael than ever.  Affairs, lies, and jealousy can rip apart a marriage, but if he has no reason to hide an attraction or even a relationship with another person, why would he leave?

That is the simple version, so don’t think, please, that I am being naive.  I have never, ever met a couple that has the same deep relationship that we have anywhere near our age, and very few older couples communicate so clearly or trust so much as we do, at least in my experience.  This was a sexual fantasy (on my part) that I talked Michael into and that grew into an opportunity for learning and growth for both of us.  I know that watching my husband leave for a date with another woman has been really hard at times and surprisingly easy at others, and it was always wonderful to see how grateful and loving and just plain happy he was when he came home.  (I saw was because Becky had some personal issues and broke up with Michael to simplify things back in December, so neither of us is even dating anyone else right now.)  Actually, we’re both really conservative about it, too.  There’s no DRIVE to date because we’re both happy at home, so it’s not about casual sex or even really casual dating, just about love, trust… all that good stuff.

I love my dad, and it is good that wen can talk frankly about even this kind of thing.  It relieves a real burden for me.

Blessings,

Kathleen

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