April 30, 2008
A Poly Story
This is a link to Tango Magazine, and specifically to an article in that magazine about one woman’s polyamorous experience, Which I think is a beautiful example of how poly can work, even if it does not work out perfectly for everyone on the first try.
I obviously cannot say what it feels like to have an outside relationship with another person right now, as I have not had a relationship with anyone but my husband since our marriage was open. That’s just kind of the way that things are working out right now. I’m looking, but casually, and as much as I was originally in a hurry to find someone, too, I think that I have gotten ahold of myself and slowed down.
I want to keep the focus of my blog today on the wonderful writing of Jenny Block and her article above, so I will refrain from going too deely into my own stuff for today. For now, let us just bask in the joy of a relationship going well. And if anyone knows why Huffington Post isn’t sending me an activation link, let me know, I would LOVE to comment on the video that I was sent yesterday. 🙂
Blessings,
Kathleen
April 29, 2008
Non Physical Poly
People often assume that poly people are just in it for the sex, but that is not often the case. I would say that there are plenty of people out there who enjoy the emotional connection at least as much as sex, if not more. And did you know that it is possible to be poly and never have sex with anyone?
Poly is about the love connection (versus swinging, which really is all about the sex). A guy who accepts that his wife is poly might simply be accepting of the fact that she has an incredibly intimate friendship with a male friend, for instance. That friendship may never become physical, and they may not even want it to. What matters is that emotional connection.
In this way I actually think that it is probably possible to live a poly lifestyle and not even know it, allowing love bonds to form, even if you reserve physical relations for your primary relationship.
Blessings,
Kathleen
April 28, 2008
Opening my Mind
I am having trouble finding a decent batter online, so why not try a catcher for a while? Thank you, T, for allowing me to really be able to consider playing for the other team. Joking and puns aside, I have started to really consider a female relationship. I’ve become active (and changed my profile) on a poly dating site to reflect that, and I am making friends and going through the noob hazing on the forums. Why do all forums have a noob hazing period, anyway?
There are actually quite a few very pretty girls within driving distance of here, several of which I am really attracted to, and several of which are looking for girls. Yay! I also found a drool worthy poly woman on a vanilla dating site, but she is very short, and for some reason I hate that. We’ll see what happens, anyway…
I am glad, at the very least, that my mind has opened up another crack to let me think about dating a nice lady.
Blessings,
Kathleen
April 27, 2008
Unicorns are not always Welcome
I just want to start off saying that I am so excited to have so many readers who are really enjoying this blog, and who are even interested enough to ask questions and make comments on the posts. You guys rock!
Now to the meat… I mentioned Unicorns as highly desirable and pretty rare. If a single, pretty girl states that she is willing to date a couple in a poly space, she will be snapped up quick. But not every poly couple or group is looking for a Unicorn. In fact, some couples or groups state that they are looking for other couples or groups only. Why is that?
Because single girls may just be single for a reason. Girls are not all drama queens, and they are not all jealous or manipulative, but the fear is that if a girl can’t hang on to a man or a group, then maybe there is a reason. People don’t want to deal with a girl trying to horn in on the primary relationship, and they don’t want their girlfriend feeling left out if they can’t give her attention. Ideal situation? Make sure she has a boyfriend, and now we have a quad (or more!)
This is not the case in all cases. Some people just don’t want an odd number, some want things to be even (if I get a girlfriend, you get a boyfriend out of it), and others… who knows? The unicorn is a rare and desirable creature, but some people can take her or leave her, and others just aren’t interested.
~Kathleen
April 26, 2008
Couple Dating – Through the Rosy Glasses
Colby asked yesterday if I weren’t looking a little too much through the rosy glasses when I was musing how wonderful it would be to enjoy a two-couple relationship. Keep in mind that the rosy glasses are all I have, since I have never been in one. I have also had the experience of seeing a couple of couple-couple quads, and each of them dropped a leg and ended up a triad, so obviously all is not blissful and perfect. If ONE relationship is hard, imagine SIX under the same roof, and then (maybe) add kids to the mix. Talk about some work!
But I really do think that the work could be worth it. So what would happen if both men, let’s say, wanted to spend the night with the woman A, and no one particularly wanted to spend the night with woman B? Well, in my humble opinion if no one wants woman B at all, then they are in a bad way to begin with. For the parents out there, think of your kids. You’ve loved the first one longest, and you probably even prefer one of them, even though we all know that “there is no favorite child”. So would you feel oh-so-down if your “favorite” had plans when you wanted to take them to the park, but the sibling wanted to go? Probably not.
Sure, everyone might want to spend the night with woman A, but I really don’t think it is that big of a problem. Here are the steps, in a perfect world, that I would like to see:
1. Woman A asks each of the men if either of them have an especial need tonight. They may be able to talk together to find out that Man A is feeling sad and needy, and Man B just expressed a preference, and work it out that way.
2. If there is no need involved, then Woman A takes her pick of the two and they go to bed (or dinner, or whatever), hopefully promising a future date to the other man so that he has it to look forward to.
3. The “unchosen two” still get to spend a wonderful and loving time together because they all love each other. Woman B may not be the first choice today for whatever reason (maybe Woman A was wearing that sexy perfume) but that doesn’t make her less loved, and not being chosen doesn’t make the other guy any less loved, either.
Sometimes you have to choose between your kids for the last cookie, the only extra seat, whatever… but you will make it up to the others, and even if there are hurt feelings, there is always love.
Sure, it isn’t and can’t be perfect, but this is how I see it, potentially.
Blessings, and thank you for the question, Colby!
Kathleen
April 25, 2008
Two Couples Together
What do you all think of the idea of two couples who live and love together? In my poly experience, I have mostly met straight men, although I have met a few bi men as well. I would say that for the most part I am really not attracted to the idea of two guys having sex. If I were to be in a two couple relationship, it would be a group with 6 relationships, but only 5 of them romantic, especially since Michael is not into the idea of other men.
I think that it could be really interesting to see how we would handle dating another couple. It would be wonderful to have that sense of support and that… I don’t even know how to say it, exactly. I really like the idea of being able to choose a partner for the night or whatever and know that no one is getting left out or feeling lonely. The guys might have to just be buddy buddy when the girls get together, but for the most part there is a comfortable place for everyone. That is what I think of when I think of two couples.
~Kathleen
April 24, 2008
Tired
It’s been a long day at the end, almost, of a long week. I’m so exhausted. Luckily I have my wonderful husband to lean on. I get all the snuggles, cuddles, and fussing over that I want.
I was just thinking that I don’t say enough wonderful things about my wonderful man. My husband is the only person that I have ever needed, and I really don’t need more. It is nice knowing that I could have more if I wanted it, but Michael is my angel.
April 23, 2008
The Ethical Slut
The Ethical Slut is a book that attempts to reclaim the word “slut” as a word of empowerment for polyamorous people, men and women. It actually has a lot of good information about polyamory in general and how poly people relate.
I mentioned The Ethical Slut in my last post, and said that I recommend taking it with a grain of salt. That is because the author subscribes to what we call “Polyanna Poly”. In other words, WAY optimistic and “happy-fluffy” about the subject. That is not to say it is a bad read, it just means that if you’re like me, your eyes will glaze over as you read and fantasize about a perfect poly world where jealousy is dealt with with a quick hug and everyone is a big, happy, sex positive family.
The truth about poly is that it is messy. But for those like me who don’t mind navigating the mess, it is a lot of fun, and really worth it. I asked Michael last night why he still wanted to be poly, and his answer was about what I expected. Sure, it’s fun to be able to talk to people and think “what if”, and to even know that you could flirt or more without repercussions, but the real benefit in it for him is the extra closeness that this level of trust and vulnerability has brought us.
The Ethical Slut. Good information presented with rosy glasses. Remember that life is not always so happy or so easy, and it will be a great source of information (and it’s really fun to watch the cashier at Barnes & Noble try to not stare. 🙂 )
April 22, 2008
Honey, I want to be Poly
How do you have that conversation? It can certainly be hard to bring up, and if you think that your partner might be unreceptive, it can be easy to slip from “I want to be poly” to “I am going to cheat”, and that ruins marriages. Poly is, in large part, about honesty and communication, so this conversation is going to revolve around those two things.
Start making sure that your partner understands that you are not unhappy with them or bored with them. If either of these is the case, then try counseling before you try sampling some new flesh. Let your partner know that you have been reading about a lifestyle called polyamory, and see how they feel. Some people may want to talk more, others will want to go look up information for themselves, and still more will run screaming and try to have you committed. If you have a good idea of which category your spouse falls into, you can try to be prepared with a good book (I recommend The Ethical Slut, but take it with a grain of salt) or by giving them space.
Assurances are going to be really important. Let them know that this is not about not wanting them, but about wanting to express your feelings for other people. In the end, it really comes down to knowing your lover and speaking in a way that convinces them. Perhaps suggest going to a local poly event (if you can find one) and just watching together. Talk about what might turn your partner on: soft swapping? Watching another couple have sex? Dating someone together?
Once you find out what they are okay with, you can start slowly with that and work your way (carefully and with their feelings in mind) further into the poly wading pool.
Come on in, the water’s fine!
~Kathleen
April 21, 2008
Poly (dating) on the Web
The internet is one of my favorite things in the whole wide world. I can learn so many things, and since I am a really good researcher, I can find things that many people have trouble locating. I have taken a few free lessons in ASL, learned about things that I would never have even thought about, and watched some of my favorite comedians or performers for free on YouTube. But I can’t seem to find a decent poly person who is a) local b) my age or at least within 15 years and c) not a prick.
I am young. I am female. I am actually pretty (I think, anyway, and I have been told so). This alone is enough to get a lot of guys thinking about it… maybe even brushing off their manners so that I don’t bolt. I am also a wife and mother. I love those two parts of myself, but most guys, well, they don’t so much. 🙂
Do I mind? Nope. In fact, I’ve pulled the mommy card to get annoying guys to leave me the heck alone. Every time he IMs, “Oops! My baby just started crying!” After the second time they just forget about me. Even poly groups are filled with two kinds of people: the creeps, and the people who seem nice and lovely and all, but are older than my parents.
There are a lot of cool poly groups, but it seems to be something that this generation has not really picked up on yet. Either that, or they’re all too young and hot to bother with online dating since they have no trouble getting some. 😉
I have come to conclude that online dating just plain sucks… and it doesn’t get any easier if you’re poly!
Blessings,
~Kathleen
Polyamory from the Inside Out 