May 31, 2008
Good Night
Last night was a good night for me. We talked about poly and kink and more important, my month-long feeling that I want to be alone with him and kind of cut off the world. As we were talking, I was thinking of the huge amounts of negative news that is coming my way – way more than I normally get – and it has probably been affecting me.
The more I see stories of people losing everything, of an identical house down the road selling for HALF what we bought ours for three years ago, and of food prices rising and continuing to rise (not to mention the supposed breakdown of society that is coming because of a lack of oil), the more I want to pull in and be safe. I want to just hide away, close us off, and go back to when things were simple. BDSM and poly do NOT make things simple.
I realized as I was talking that these things affect me, but they shouldn’t. I need to be strong and brave, and, oh yeah, I need to learn to shield better to keep the news out of my soul. Ick!
I also realized that a part of my discomfort might come from feeling like being with another man would be turning my back on my husband. Since I don’t want to do that, and since I don’t want him to EVER turn his back on me, I may have a subconscious block to dating. We’ll see what happens… awareness is the first step.
Blessings,
Kathleen
May 30, 2008
Getting Territorial
First off, I just want to thank all of you for the support. You’re all reminding me why I started this blog.
This is not about a new jealous episode (sorry) but more about dealing with the insecurities and tough feelings that I have been having. I want my husband to be happy, but at the same time I also want him to love me soooooo much that he doesn’t want or need anyone else. That’s just an emotional thing. In my head I know that he loves me pretty much as much as it is possible to love another person, but that doesn’t mean that his love for me will squish out his feelings for everyone else in his life.
I don’t really want him not to learn about, explore, or even love other people. It’s a war of my head and heart, and this is why I tell you that I was not born poly, and if I was, social conditioning sure has buried it deep. Still, it is something that I see as worth working on in myself. I think it will get easier… especially as I have had a date with someone, even if it didn’t lead anywhere.
Blessings,
Kathleen
May 29, 2008
Writing the Kinks Out
No you sickos, that’s not what I meant. I guess that the time has come to stand up, stretch, and work the kinks out of this blog before I plow on. I’ve gotten some responses that were not just negative (because negative I can handle), but which are downright RUDE.
So before I start again with some real, juicy poly content for you all, I want to say this: I don’t care if you disagree with me. In fact, some of my favorite discussions on this blog by far have been with Auria, who disagrees with a lot of what I say and demands clarification or defense of other things. The key is that she is respectful about it. I have a big problem with people who tell me flat out that I am wrong/bad/misguided, and it is even worse when it comes from poly people who decide that I have it “wrong”.
There are as many kinds of poly as there are poly people. This is my version, and this blog is an outlet for my thoughts. If something is “always” a particular way (like the definitions of words like “triad”), then I will tell you so. If not, I am pretty good at adding phrases like “I think” and “I feel” to describe MY OWN EXPERIENCES.
I use a pen name for safety and for my career’s sake, but other than that… this is my LIFE. I am not some computer attempting to define a lifestyle, I am living it, and this is what I’ve learned.
And to the rest of you lovely and wonderful people… thank you for sticking with me. I promise something better tomorrow. 😉
Blessings,
Kathleen
May 24, 2008
Safer Sex
People talk about safe sex all the time, but most poly people know that “safe sex” is a wonderful myth. The only truly safe sex is between you and your hand. ANY other kind has the potential for disease, pregnancy, etc.
The poly community (and possibly other communities as well, I know the BDSM community) has adopted the term “safer sex” as well. Safer sex is the use of barriers. You want to have sex, use a condom. You want to put fingers in… places, use a glove. You want oral, use a dental dam. Not everyone follows these rules, of course, but they are good ones, and probably help prevent problems.
An important part of safer sex in my family is a regular STD check. Every six months while either of us is sexually active outside the marriage, and once 6 months after the last activity. Michael’s check is coming up in June, and then we’ll both be done with needle pricks until one of us starts dating someone seriously.
Another form of safer sex, according to some people, is the fluid bond. You may already know what this is, but for those who don’t, a fluid bond is one in which the “bonded” people have unprotected sex with each other, but not with anyone outside the bond.
I’ve been getting a lot fewer comments lately, so I wonder what YOU all want to hear about? Let me know, and I may blog your idea.
Blessings,
Kathleen
May 23, 2008
Missing Frank
Earlier this week, Frank and I had a stupid argument, and we haven’t talked since. The truth, though, is that I was missing him long before we stopped speaking.
When Frank and I met, we had an almost instant connection. Within only a couple of weeks we were sharing intimate truths and deep dark secrets about ourselves with no shame or fear. That continued until he asked his girlfriend, Tiff, if she minded us cyber-dating (they were poly). She was uncomfortable with the idea, and that was pretty much where our friendship died.
Frank was very respectful of his girlfriend’s wishes, especially considering her stormy and unsure relationship with poly. I respected (still do) that primary relationship, and was fine with the idea of going back to good friends. Frank, on the other hand, was so afraid of crossing some invisible line with me and unconsciously betraying Tiff’s trust that he drew a reasonable line, took a few giant steps backward, and held there. Our deep conversations turned into “so how’s the weather on your coast?” and our long chats turned into “Check out this funny video I found online.”
I was, and still am, a little heartbroken, not because I was a little in love with Frank, because I was, but because I didn’t just lose a potential partner, I lost a tremendous friend.
Every once in a while I’m tempted to send him a “how’s the weather” IM, but then… it just seems so sad. Like a scraped out, used up husk of what was a brief but shining friendship. I understand his fears… but he also promised me that asking for a partner wouldn’t lose me my friend. I guess that’s the risk you take.
Blessings,
Kathleen
May 22, 2008
“Fan” Mail
I’m inclined to agree with Polyguy here on the basis that if, as you posit, you are learning polyamory as opposed to having been born with such an inclination, it could be said that you are not actually Poly until you have had a poly experience and dealt with it in the expected productive manner.
First, I don’t recall Polyguy saying that. Second… having my husband have a girlfriend isn’t a poly experience? I think I dealt very well with that. I also went on a date a couple of weeks ago, and even though it didn’t culminate in sex, well, who says that it has to? You can be poly without sex. And what is productive, anyway? If a triad breaks up after a couple of years in an explosive and emotional way (highly unproductive, I would think) does that make them no longer poly because they screwed up? For that matter, do you “flunk out” of monogamy because you get a divorce?
In the same way that I can begin the process of apprenticing to be a carpenter, I cannot justifiably call myself a carpenter until I have made it through my training process and have gone ahead with a project as the lead.
So poly is a trade, then, and not a life choice? How interesting! Do I have to apprentice to be monogamous, too? And if you’re born with poly wiring, then who apprentices you when you first start dating around? Do single people not get to call themselves monogamous because they aren’t in a relationship? This doesn’t sound like a very well thought out argument.
Kathleen, please understand that I’ve drawn many fine points from your blog.
Thank you.
You’re well read and baldly honest about how you present your feelings on the topic. This comment is not meant to belittle your strides towards such an honest and open-minded relationship with your husband.
And yet somehow it does anyway… Why do people who offend you always say “No offense, but…”? If it sounds belittling to you, it just might BE.
It’s meant to gently remind you to check where you stand.
Well thanks. When did I assign you that duty?
It’s impossible to take the road of “I wasn’t born poly, I’m learning it,” and yet claim the title and the lifestyle as your own without having actually practiced it yourself.
Again, then, can I call myself monogamous if I’m single? Hell, can I call myself bisexual if I’m a girl dating a guy right now? While I disagree that it is “impossible” to claim something before you experience it, I also think that I HAVE experienced poly, and pretty darn closely, too. My husband had sex with his girlfriend while I was upstairs, remember?
Sometimes, depending on the day and what you have to say, it almost seems as though you desire a mostly monogamous relationship with your husband, but with the perceived freedom to express yourself openly to others.
Well, yes, some days I do wish I could have him all to myself. That’s part of the learning process. Something that we are taught as writers is that from the moment you set words to a page, you are a writer. You don’t have to be good, you don’t have to be published, you just have to try.
And guess what? I’m trying. I am meeting new people, I have been on a date, and I have been dealing with my husband going through the same. My husband is my primary and the love of my life, but I am open to having other loves and other relationships. So how does that make me less poly? Because I don’t want to throw my marriage away, or only because I hold my marriage above other relationships? I realize that is not quite what you’ve said, but it is implied. Perceived freedom? I don’t even know what you mean by that.
~Kathleen
May 21, 2008
Being Poly and Learning Poly
Polyguy responded to one of my posts (on whether poly is something you are born with) with a blog about his own feelings, which are that he was indeed born to be poly.
I do think that some people are wired to be poly from the start. That just seems to be the case with some poly people I know. On the other hand, poly can successfully be learned. Being gay, tall, or blond, to my knowledge, cannot, which is why I say that it is not necessarily something you are born with.
I’m trying to make myself clear… I do think you CAN be born poly (or born wired that way, anyway), but I do not think you HAVE to be born with that wiring to BECOME poly. I hope that clarifies some of my thoughts for the people who were leaving comments. I was not saying that you have not “always” been poly, but rather that I have not, and I am somehow learning it anyway.
Polyguy says that his wife is not learning poly so much as she is un-learning monogamy, but I feel like maybe it is a little of both. Monogamy has some value, and there are pieces of it that I will probably hold on to forever. I am not dismissing it so much as I am allowing it to morph into something bigger. I prefer learning something to un-learning anything.
I do believe that sexual orientation is something you are born with – sorry fundies.
Blessings,
Kathleen
May 20, 2008
Back to the Drawing Board
It took me some heavy thinking over the past few days, but as much as I like the man that took me out to dinner a little while ago, it is a friendly kind of like. I think that I have been trying very hard to convince myself that I was ready for more with him, while at the same time feeling differently.
He truly is a terrific guy, though, and took it in stride when I told him that I think I would prefer to remain friends. A large part of my decision is also that I remain confused. I know how easy it is for like to translate into love over time, but right now, as unsure as I am about where I am now and where I am going, it was too much for me. I’d rather keep this friendship as I explore other avenues than force something on myself too early.
In the mean time, I do feel better, having had the experience of surviving a first date. It went well, even if things ended there, and I am happy that I have at least (at last!) had that kind of experience. Michael was flirting with a woman in a class that he takes last night, for which I had come along for the ride. It wouldn’t have gone anywhere, since his team mates are off limits by his own rule, but I still smiled to see him coming out of his shell. Besides, she was cute.
Blessings,
Kathleen
May 19, 2008
Being Poly is like being Gay?
I was on a forum where a man asked when the rest of the poly group “realized” that they were poly, as if it is something that is always there just waiting for you to discover it. I didn’t care for the question.
Are you predetermined to be poly? I don’t know if some people are, but I am sure that I am/was not. There are people that I have heard of that are unable or unwilling to a single person from the moment you start dating. Some of these people cheat, while other give monogamy a try and still others end up in a poly situation, in which they date around and make sure that each partner knows that they are not an exclusive couple.
I, on the other hand, have never been tempted to cheat. It never occurred to me that I would be anything but happily married in the future when I was younger, and I was looking for long term from the moment that I started dating. I was never jealous about hugs and such, but if I saw one of my partners getting closer (snuggling up on a couch with other women, maybe), I felt jealousy, even if I didn’t express it. I would feel possessive and not show it. I did get clingy, which can get annoying for other people.
Anyway, it was probably a combination of trying to work on that and emotional masochism that started me on this poly journey, and while I don’t regret it, I also do not feel that I was “born to be poly”. Still, I don’t think I would take it back.
Blessings,
Kathleen
May 18, 2008
Meeting New People
I sometimes attend a D/s (that’s dominance and submission) discussion group. It’s interesting and fun, and a good way to kill a couple of hours and chat with people. This time was just a little different… the person who usually runs the group got too busy this weekend, and for some reason decided that I would be the perfect person to facilitate. So, for some reason, I did.
Actually, it was quite fun, although it was more work than I anticipated to keep people talking. I was really tired by the end of it, but that may have had more to do with the 2.5 hours that I spent cleaning the dungeon beforehand than the actual discussion.
By the end of it I could tell that all three of the people who came were interested in me to some extent, and I could also tell that the only one likely to act on it was the one person that I was not interested in back. It was kind of funny to me, but good. We all talked outside as well, and then finally, half an hour after the group ended, we went home. I almost asked one of them out, but there were two people who I was equally interested in for different reasons, and I didn’t want to single anyone out like that. They’ll be around, I’m sure. 🙂
~D
Polyamory from the Inside Out 