October 23, 2010

Stepping Back

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 8:20 pm by Kathleen

Michael and I have been going through some hard times lately. Not that we’re looking at a total breakdown of our relationship or anything scary like that, but some stuff (entirely unrelated to poly) has been cropping up and getting in the way. We have had a long talk about it, and I asked for a bit of time to work on our problems without any outside dating. If one of us were already dating things might be a different matter, but since we are both currently not dating, poly is on hold for a while. (I’m personally hoping to resolve things in no more than a month, but you can’t force or predict emotions).

What does this say about poly in general? I found it easiest to imagine that, for example, Michael had a serious girlfriend, and they were having problems. What would be an appropriate reaction from me? In my mind, I think it would be most reasonable for me to step back and allow him the time and energy that it takes to resolve important emotional issues with the theoretical issues. Poly can’t work with an entirely selfish mindset. Does our primary relationship take precedence? Probably, but that doesn’t mean that outside relationships are unimportant, and sometimes as primary I have to be flexible.

If you are in a primary relationship and trying to get into poly, there are two outcomes you can expect. It will make all of the cracks in your relationship gap wide for you to see, and the two outcomes possible from this are solving those core problems, or dissolving the relationship. Right now we have found a new crack in our marriage, and we are taking the time and stepping back from outside stressors so that we can fix what is wrong. It’s one of the things that I love about poly, actually.

October 13, 2010

October Blog Chain: Masquerades

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:31 am by Kathleen

The theme for the chain this month is masquerades, and there are a couple of different angles I can go with this one. For example, when I write on this blog under a pen name, I am in effect wearing a mask. It is not for shame or embarrassment, but rather because A) I work as a professional freelancer, and certain editors might look unhappily on my name being associated with a “sexy” blog, and B) to help hide the identities of friends, lovers, etc. who may not be “out” or who may not want their own names plastered across the web.

I decided to go a different direction, however, and that is the masks that we all wear when we’re playing the dating game. Oh, come on, you know you do it: you get gussied up for a date, you pay extra for a haircut to impress that girl, you wash your car… whatever you’re doing, you’re putting on an extra layer of shine and sparkle. Would you wash your car to take your wife of 6 years on a date? I doubt it.

I find masks interesting because they are both necessary (for our society) and somewhat silly to me. For example, if I immediately said to anyone I was interested in that I am married but allowed to sleep with other people, I would probably have them all running for the hills. It is only once you have roped someone in with your charm and good looks (or whatever) that you offer the big reveal: you’re married, you’re unemployed, you have early stage Huntingtons.

Why do we have to keep ourselves looking perfect until we have someone hooked on us? But equally important, why do we so blindly see the masks and refuse to even TRY to penetrate them? For example, I have yet to have a guy who is hitting on me glance at my ring finger first, or usually even before asking for my number or a date. Not mentioning my husband right away is my mask, but it’s a flimsy one considering I wear the evidence prominently. Why do you suppose they’re so happy not to look?

(And just FYI, I ALWAYS talk about Michael and explain poly before accepting a date.)


Here is the running list of the October Blog Chain participants:

Auburn Assassin http://clairegillian.wordpress.com/ and direct link to her post
Hillary Jacques http://hillaryjacques.blogspot.com and direct link to her post
Aimee Laine www.aimeelaine.com/writing/blog and direct link to her post
Ralph Pines http://thewonderingswordsman.wordpress.com/ and direct link to his post
Veinglory http://erecsite.blogspot.com/ and direct link to her post
Laffarsmith http://www.craftingfiction.com and direct link to her post
PASeaholtz http://paseasholtz.com/ and direct link to his post
Madelein.Eirwen http://madeleineirwen.blogspot.com/ and direct link to her post
Amy Doodle www.mindovermullis.com and direct link to her post
CScottMorris CScottMorrisBooks.com and direct link to his post
Orion_mk3 http://nonexistentbooks.wordpress.com/ and direct link to his post
FreshHell http://freshhell.wordpress.com and direct link to her post
IrishAnnie http://superpenpower.blogspot.com/ and direct link to her post
Dolores Haze http://dianedooley.wordpress.com/ and direct link to her post
Aidan Watson-Morris http://mangaka-tales.blogspot.com/ and direct link to his post
WildScribe https://polyspace.wordpress.com
Hayley Lavik http://hayleyelavik.com/
Bettedra http://bettedra.wordpress.com/
Aheila http://thewriteaholicblog.wordpress.com/