March 30, 2010
When it Rains
It sure has been pouring in my life lately! After three years of being poly, I officially have my first boyfriend, Matt. We went on our first date, and although we are both super busy people, we’ve been tickling our schedules into submission. I get to see him again on Friday (we think). He’s going through the final negotiations with his lady wife tonight. I’m not sure what we’ll be doing, probably just hanging out again.
My romance with him is going nicely, so of course now is also the time when I finally find a playmate worthy of enjoying in the BDSM club. My husband tops me, but I am a switch, and boy have I been in need of a chew toy. Or maybe a scratching post. Whatever it is I need, Michael is just very glad that I have found Pet and no longer feel the need to gnaw on him at every opportunity (yes, I’m odd, but you already knew that).
Pet was very nervous and almost didn’t show, but I think that we are both glad he did. The dungeon was hosting a sampler night so that people can see demos of various methods of play, and he showed a lot of interest in caning, which was neat. He also got a little doe eyed at the sight of my flogger, and asked me to play. Woohoo! He can take a good amount of pain, is willing to go for more, and is the perfect sub for taking out my sadistic tendencies. Plus he is totally new to kink, so I get to train him up from scratch.
I was also messaged out of the blue by a sub that I had talked to months ago. He was sort of a creep and he vanished, but now he’s back and ready for action. He has been blocked. Two good men are quite enough for now, especially since they are both new to me. Anyway, men who love drama are just… ugh.
Blessings,
Kathleen
March 17, 2010
Selfishness, Good or Bad?
I mentioned before that Matt thinks that my negative response to selfishness is overblown. My response, half joking, was that I have a negative response to murderers, too, and I don’t think that’s overblown, either. Honestly, though, I was raised to think of selfishness as one of the worst things a person can be, and no one have earned my pure acid in life more than Becky, who’s greatest sin was total selfishness.
So is selfishness all bad? Of course not, I would not be foolish enough to say so. After all, selfishness is, at its core, an instinct of self preservation. But some people take this base and run far and hard with it. They turn it into greed, jealousy, envy, and a complete disregard for others. People like Becky will take a particular course of action, no matter how much it might hurt of affect another person as long as it will be in the least beneficial to them, even to the small point of one path being slightly easier than another. She would rather take one less step, as it were, than take that one extra step that would avoid causing someone, anyone, severe harm. She didn’t invite her husband’s long term girlfriend to their wedding because it would have been awkward (you know, seeing as that pesky old girlfriend had been around for over a decade longer than Becky had). In fact, they didn’t tell her about it until after. Ouch.
Is Lizzie that pathological? No, I don’t think so, or else I would be running fast and hard. But she certainly is not the kind of person I would seek out. Lizzie tries to avoid doing anyone else severe harm or serious damage when it comes to her selfish behaviors. Unfortunately, small harm and pain and frustration are all fair game if inflicting them will mean greater ease of convenience for her. And this is why I feel that her level of selfishness is unhealthy.
Matt defends her with the argument that if the choice is to be selfish or to lose yourself in others, which choice is best? Well, selfishness, sure, but is that ever really the only set of choices? I know for a fact that I do not fall into either of those extremes. He says the choices are not the same for everyone, but it seems to me that any adult with a shred of mental health should be able to manage a middle ground of some kind of they feel like trying. I am personally an empath, and can be strongly influenced by the emotions of those around me. For those reasons I like to keep a space of calm around me at home, and I sometimes leave social gatherings early, selfishly, some might say. But I do often attend, even when I know it will hurt me. I do make an effort when I know that it will help or benefit others. I even sometimes am the one to suggest trips to my mother in law’s chaotic household because I know she has not had a share of our time lately, however much I detest the noise and the energy there. I am not selfish to her detriment, and I am not so open that I harm myself, either.
So is selfishness bad? No. Selfishness without reason, without balance, that is what I feel is so wrong.
Blessings,
Kathleen
March 15, 2010
“What does Poly Mean?”
The other day, someone read the word “poly” on my profile on a forum, got into a debate with her husband about what it meant, and contacted me to find out more and to settle the discussion. (He was right 😉 )
As soon as I was asked the question, I am sure I must have positively lit up. I was so excited to answer that I could hardly keep my thoughts in order, and had to constantly edit myself to keep from writing her a novel instead of a simple email message. I begged her to continue to ask if she wanted to know anything more, and even pointed her to this blog, which had been silent for a while. Suddenly the fire was back, and my passion for this blog, this quest to help people everywhere understand what poly is, came flooding back.
A long time ago, I dreamed up the idea for a book, half memoir, half explanation about poly. I’ve started the outline. I think the time has come, finally, to write it. So thank you, very much, my friend. And thank you to everyone who has been reading even in my absence. I do hope you’ll stick around.
Blessings,
Kathleen
March 13, 2010
Lizzie’s Brand of Selfishness
Matt’s wife Lizzie is selfish. There isn’t a question about it, it is just who she is. Because of my experiences with Becky as well as some older childhood programming, I have very, very negative feelings toward selfish people. Matt thinks that this is undeserved, and that I need to rethink my feelings on selfishness. The thing is, I see a vast difference between being selfish enough to care for yourself, which is healthy, and a refusal to put anyone else first except perhaps in the most extreme circumstances, which is, in my opinion, not. Lizzie falls into the latter category.
I don’t want to blanket insult her, and I know that even the mildest of factual statements about some of Becky’s behavior was commented upon quite negatively, which I totally understand. Still, please know that while she doesn’t read this blog, I know what is said here, and I have to make nice with this woman as much as possible. This is as much for my understanding as anything, and a need to get it out and express my feelings on the situation. So, in short, no Lizzie-bashing in the comments, please, my dears. Thank you.
I may go into their history later, but for now, just the recent stuff will do. About a year ago, Matt and Lizzie decided that they would be poly. They had poly friends to show them the way, and Lizzie had a big crush on one of these poly friends. This friend dated Lizzie for a few months, I believe, and enjoying a sexual relationship, she decided that she was deliriously in love with him. When she told him so, he said it was unfair to continue a relationship in which he couldn’t feel the same. In short, he dumped her because she wanted more than sex. I knew he was a jerk from the start and wasn’t surprised (he was also juggling two girlfriends with rocky relationships at the same time), but it was never my place to interfere. While the two of them were still cozy, however, I met Matt for the first time after chatting online for a while. We had a nice chat, along with their one year old baby, and he decided to bring me back to the family owned store to say ‘hello’ before I went home. Please note, this was not a date. Upon entering the store, I was hit with a backlash of violently negative energy from Lizzie. She was jealous and territorial both with the store and with Matt, and after glaring at me, ignored me until I decided to leave.
Matt and I didn’t meet again in person until recently, however we continued to be friends through chats and emails. I had decided that because of his wife, I would not date him. I tend toward being low drama, and that was quite enough for me.
In the mean time, Lizzie had a brief sexual fling with an old college boyfriend, then hooked up with an old high school boyfriend, entering very quickly into sex and talk of love, and practically moving him in for half the week after only a few months of dating. I don’t know much about the guy except that Matt likes and respects him, so that is good enough for me. Again, NONE of my business. Throughout this year of dating exploits on Lizzie’s part, Matt developed emotional attachments to several women, none of whom worked out as a girlfriend. He did push the limits of their agreements once, and sexted with a woman, which caused a backlash with his wife later. Other than that, he was a perfect monk, but Lizzie claims not to trust him emotionally, manages his relationships, and has done her best so far to make our own budding relationship difficult at best.
I could almost understand this behavior, if not sympathize, except that Lizzie is not precisely keeping Matt for herself, either. Why do I say this? I know from him that she rarely agrees to have sex with him, despite a raging sex life with her boyfriend even in the same house while Matt is in another room. He does very well not taking this out on Boyfriend, but he feels deprived, and since I care about him, that upsets me. In my experience, she takes advantage of him for babysitting, especially when she wants to be alone with Boyfriend, but forces him to beg and negotiate to get time to come visit with his current love interest (me). I’ve seen him exactly once this year, and that was on a “friendship” basis. We’ll be seeing each other again in a few days on a dating basis, and let me tell you, it was a hard road to get there.
First, Lizzie demanded that we slow down because she can’t trust him. I pointed out to him that we have been perfectly well behaved over the last year, have had opportunities and desire to push the limits and did not, and that he has made only one indiscretion, which was not even explicitly forbidden at the time, and has been proving himself ever since to apparently no avail. I also pointed out that when we first met he was raring to date me, and I slowed things down because I realized his motives were not ideal (he wanted things to be “fair” – Lizzie was dating, so he wanted to, also). What more, I asked, do we have to do to prove ourselves, and what has she done to prove herself after falling into bed with three men other than her husband in the space of a single year?
He spoke with her and came back to me with a tentative agreement that we could date. Eventually. But first we should meet as friends a few more times just to be sure of our chemistry. I flat refused, telling him that my own husband does not stretch to manage my relationships in that way, and that it was up to us to decide if we had chemistry and when to act on it. I refused to have my hand held by his wife. He sheepishly agreed and stated that it made him angry to hear me accuse him of being “managed”, but agreed that it was indeed the case. He went back for more talking.
I won’t go through all the details or hoops – this post is already too long – but suffice it to say, many conversations and delays later, and we have freedom to make our own relationship decisions independent of his wife, and one date planned for next week. One that I am very much looking forward to. It seems I got drawn in despite the selfishness and drama.
Blessings,
Kathleen
March 11, 2010
A Reawakening
Michael and I settled into a pretty long period of, if not monogamy, at least not active polyamory. Sure, we kept our minds open, but nothing exactly fell into our laps, and we were both content to leave things as they were. We’re quite happy together, and we do keep busy.
Of course, things don’t always STAY quiet! A couple of months ago, I met up with a friend of mine for coffee. This friend is a guy, and he is poly. In fact, I met him for the first time over a year ago with the intention of seeing if we would be compatible for dating. I liked him quite a bit, but he and his wife had very recently started to explore poly. She had a boyfriend, and I could tell that he was very eager to get his share much more than actually ready to date. I told him that I would very much love to be his friend, and we backed off. We didn’t actually meet in person again until pretty recently, but kept up with regular emails and chats over the year.
A couple of months ago, Matt and I decided to catch up in person, and got together. He is much more self-aware now and has a better handle on poly, and the chemistry was very strong. We kept things friendly and avoided touching except to hug hello and goodbye because of his limits, but it was very hard for both of us not to kiss goodnight.
Fast forward a couple of months and a TON of negotiation, which I will go into later, and we have decided to date. Our first official date is next week, and I really could not be more excited by this. He is a wonderful man, and very smart and fun. He is respectful of both me and my husband, and very willing to listen. And he likes that I am blunt, which is always a big plus.
I guess you can look forward to some stories about us, and possibly about my processing with his wife, Lizzy, who seems to be on the selfish side and reluctant to let him date anyone, much less a woman a decade and a half younger than her. It will be a process. 🙂
Blessings,
Kathleen
Polyamory from the Inside Out 