June 30, 2008
Giving Up and being Rewarded
I am pretty taken care of by the universe in general. If I ever REALLY NEED something, it tends to appear for me in some form or another, even if just a kick in the butt to do the work myself. I also have an interesting habit of getting what I need when I stop looking for it.
Take driving. I never talked to my parents about getting a license… for a while I thought it would be awesome, and then I decided that driving was boring and being driven around at least gave me a chance to read. (No getting carsick in my blog. If talking about reading in the car makes you hurl, please roll down a window. Thank you. 🙂 ) That was when my dad told me that he was taking me to get my permit. I’ve been asked out multiple times, usually when I was not really looking for anything. In fact, I met my husband after ending an abusive relationship. I was asked out by two guys that summer and declined. I needed some alone time! And then I met Michael…
And then there’s the latest… just when I decide that I am absolutely done with men for a little while… I happen to have just sent an invitation to a man who I have only spoken to online once… and we hit it off. The universe is funny that way.
Blessings,
Kathleen
June 26, 2008
A Good Date
I had (have?) pretty much given up on men, but last night I was proven that they are at least not ALL bad (slash annoying slash horny). Right about the time I started giving up on hunting guys I also happened to have sent an email to a random guy on OKC who had been viewing my profile asking if he wanted to meet for coffee.
The coffee shop was closed at 7 when we got there last night so we walked down the street to find a cafe for a light supper and laughed and talked. Somewhere around 11:30 I was shivering pretty bad sitting in the wrought iron chair in front of a long-closed Starbucks, so we finally parted ways with a sweet peck on the lips. He came unsure about the whole idea of poly and left looking forward to seeing me again… I guess that’s officially a convert? Anyway, it was fun and it was a wonderful talk. I came home and told Michael that I would certainly be seeing him again.
No nickname yet… perhaps I’ll ask him what I should call him when we see one another again 😉
Blessings,
Kathleen
June 24, 2008
Review: Open
I finished reading Open by Jenny Block a few days ago, and life has been insane since then so I haven’t had a chance to share my thoughts.
As a polyamorous person, there was not much new in the book for me. I could relate to the struggles and the rewards of poly that were shared in the book, but I felt like too much of the book was statistics and figures and too little Jenny’s story for my own taste.
The good news is, for people who know little about poly or who are curious about the lifestyle, this book works like a textbook, teaching you everything that you ever thought you needed to know about poly, humanity, and sexuality and then some. It is woven together with Jenny’s story, making it interesting and engaging instead of a list of facts and figures.
I think a lot of my readers would enjoy the facts behind the thoughts that can be found in this book, including statistics on things like the estimated number of cheaters in America.
Blessings,
Kathleen
June 20, 2008
I am Jealous…
But not of Michael or some new affair.
I’m reading Jenny Block’s new book, “Open”, and I have found a passage about their first poly experience. To simplify things very much… she talked her husband into giving it a shot, they brought a hot bi babe home, and had a wonderful night/morning after. And so we are poly!
It was SO not that easy for me. I guess I don’t really wish that it was… I like that I am willing to work on this in my own head and in conversations with Michael. I am also happy that I am ABLE to work things out like this on my own. I am highly self-aware, which is a useful trait when your goal is self-exploration and -betterment.
Our first poly experience was wonderful for Michael, but I came out of it feeling like I could take it or leave it, and mostly I was ready to leave it. Things change…
~Kathleen
June 19, 2008
Got a Book Today!
I was quickly running low on good reading material, so I was excited when I finally got my copy of Jenny Block’s book on polyamory and her open marriage. I am looking forward to reading it and reviewing it with you.
So much of what we read makes such perfect sense when we read it. On paper, there is no reason for jealousy, no reason for pain… if you have ever read The Ethical Slut, you know that on paper it can even seem like dating is a piece of cake. (All you need to do is want multiple partners, and there you have it!)
The real world is a lot more complicated, and real human emotions can be annoying, unpredictable, and downright frustrating. For example, the emotional dam burst that had me sobbing for no apparent reason at 2am yesterday. It’s nice to retreat into a book from time to time, where you know what the outcome will be (or if you don’t know, you can find out with the flip of a few pages).
I look forward to retreating into Jenny’s world and forgetting about my own, just for a little while… I’m sure it will be a fun journey.
~Kathleen
June 18, 2008
Why I “Needed” a Boyfriend
For a while, specifically back in February if I recall right, I felt like I really needed a boyfriend. In fact, I really didn’t get past this drive until fairly recently. Since I say “get past”, obviously I am not feeling this drive anymore, so what changed?
I guess I did. I felt like I needed a boyfriend because we had taken the step into being poly, but that is where I remained. Where Michael went off and had a relationship and had sex and even had a breakup, I was stalled. Funny, considering that HE is the anti-social one most of the time.
I didn’t feel in competition with him… rather I felt left behind, like a little kid whose big brother learns to ride a bike and sails away on it. I want to learn too! I want to truly be poly! I want a boyfriend!
I realized a few weeks ago that it was a really unhealthy way to think about it. I had a date, and even though it didn’t work out, it helped me realize that a) I am desirable to someone other than Michael and b) these things take time. Both things I knew in my head, but not in my heart. I’m more in sync now, and I “get” what drove me before. Sure, it would be nice to have a girlfriend (I’m sick of the boyfriend idea, a little bit), but it can wait.
Blessings,
Kathleen
June 17, 2008
A Wonderful Question
Kathleen the poly experience seems to be more than just about deep and intimiate trust because I’m sure that other married people would agrue (and I’m sure you’d agree) that couples can share a deep and intimiate trust without poly.
You may not have the answer to the following question because sometimes feelings can’t be explained, but besides the deep and intimiate trust aspect what drew you to poly?
And for those who are married and not in a poly relationship what activities do you participate in to achieve deep and intimiate trust?
One thing that I find interesting about Kathleen is that she is actively seeking ways to improve upon her relationship. That’s a rare quality in any couple, poly or not. Or do those of you in a traditional marriage disagree with that assessment?
As usual, Auria has presented some wonderful questions, not just for me but for the rest of my readers as well. Please do respond!! I was drawn to poly out of a desire to see my husband happy. The initial foray into a threesome was more like swinging, or at least it was supposed to be. Michael didn’t like the idea because he didn’t care for the idea of casual sex, but the emotional masochist in me still wanted to see what would happen if I set us on this course. It was a combination of that (emotional masochism) and a serious desire to both understand and hopefully better myself that got us started. It was a desire to enjoy watching Michael enjoy himself (and Becky) that allowed me to come to the decision to encourage it gracefully, and it is the wonderful feeling of trust as well as the feeling that I don’t EVER have to hide, pretend, or restrict myself when it comes to love that keeps this whole thing going for me and for us, I think.
Thank you, Auria!
~Kathleen
June 16, 2008
What is this Dating thing?
I was not popular in high school. In fact, I spent a lot of high school in single handed war against the popular crowd, and I was certainly holding my own. It helped that there was so much infighting on their end. 🙂
Even still, I never went looking for boys, yet I never seemed to lack interested ones. I would be asked out, or find a boy that I liked and ask him out, and then there would be a couple of months (usually) of hanging out at school, maybe kissing, and on a couple of occasions a little bit more. There was no sex until Michael, although I came close with my last boyfriend before him… I also spent much of high school grounded for bad grades (because I hated homework and didn’t care), so “dating” consisted mostly of making out at lunch time. Exciting.
I got engaged to Michael when I was 17, so I never really had an “adult” dating relationship. I never felt like I missed out or anything – I still don’t – but it does leave me a little confused. How do adults date? How do we decide when we’re dating or not? Is it cutesy like high school (“Will you be my girlfriend?”) or is it more casual… like, we hang out four times and kiss, so we’re dating? And even more confusing, I am not looking for exclusivity or marriage or any of those things, so… well, you get the idea.
Ah, well… maybe I can snag Red for some fun on Saturday… maybe we’ll just sit and talk… hell, maybe someone else will want to play with me. I know she and I will be at the same party, and I guess we take it from there. Heh, I feel like such an amateur! 🙂
Blessings!
~Kathleen
June 14, 2008
Marriage
In this post I am referencing a comment that was made in a conversation in the “Sex” post, so if you have not read those comments, please go back and do – this will probable make much more sense that way!
Adrienne writes:
Well yes, again, I can certainly see “less than great sex” being a deal breaker for monogamous couples. But then, that’s one of the beauties about poly huh, not having to rely on one partner to meet all of our needs. I’ve often heard monogamous people talk about “settling” (or not settling) for that less that perfect partner–but with polyamory, I think it’s perhaps a bit easier to just allow people to be who they are and to let the relationship evolve naturally, not having to set one’s sights so much on whether this person is suitable for marriage for not. I realize that poly people are still out there looking for the perfect primary but still, the less than perfect partner doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.
We are coming from very different directions on this topic.
There are two kinds of “settle” that I think of when I think of marriage. One is settling for less than you deserve. That’s a bad thing, I think. ((PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS BLOG AS A WHOLE IS JUST MY OPINION)). The other kind of settle that I think of is settling down with someone. Some people just are not made for “settling down”. I am. Some of the most important parts of growing up, for me, were getting married and having kids. Not because I felt that I have to, but because it was and is absolutely what I wanted.
Poly can mean just about anything, from a “fi” triad to a “single” person who has a different playmate for every day of the month. IN MY LIFE, the most important thing for me is my husband, followed quickly by my family, which includes our son. NO ONE ELSE will be making babies with either of us. NO ONE ELSE will be replacing sex for either of us (for example, I would never go out and find a guy to sleep with and stop sleeping with Michael), and NO ONE ELSE, that I can imagine, will ever have the same place and importance in our lives that the other does.
From your point of view, sex is no big deal. I can’t sleep with A, fine, I’ll just sleep with B. But poly is not the core of my life. Poly is a small part of my life, and my family, especially my husband, is at the core. If I was a poly person who happened to be married, then things might be different. As things stand, I am a married woman who happens to be poly; sex with my husband is extremely important because HE is extremely important.
A less than perfect partner would not be a deal breaker. A less than perfect husband would be. Luckily, I found the perfect man for me.
Blessings and Thanks!
~Kathleen
June 13, 2008
Taking Ownership of Something that I don’t Own
When someone that you love is trying to do something that makes them happy, you want to do things to help, right? If your lover takes up basketball, wouldn’t you buy them a new ball or encourage them to practice? So when a lover takes up a new lover, it just might be instinct for some people – people like myself – to want to help with that, too.
I did a lot for Michael and Becky. I was generous with our time, even allowing her to come visit him on our anniversary weekend. I talked to her almost every day online and shared the inside information on him and his feelings to help her feel close to him when she lived several hours away, and I even arranged for her to come down and surprise him one day.
But I realize now that by engaging myself in such a way, I was taking ownership in a relationship that should have had little to nothing to do with me. Sure, I should be nice to girls that my husband dates, but my biggest fear then was that if we failed at this poly thing, it would be MY FAULT. Therefore, I did everything I could to make sure that I was helping.
This was fine for them, but it ended up leaving me feeling extremely hurt and confused when Becky had some personal issues and ended the relationship. It certainly has given me a lot to think about. From now on, I will not try to be best friends with my husband’s girlfriends. I will be friendly, I will be polite, and I will even help her or answer questions if I am called on… but it will not be my relationship, and I will remember that.
Always good to find these kinds of things out early. I very rarely repeat mistakes.
Blessings,
Kathleen
Polyamory from the Inside Out 